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If I Hadn't Been Afraid
Tragedy
 Created on 10-8-07
 Views(40)
 Story Rating G
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Freshman year. It seemed to be going by slowly. I paid attention to no one in particular, just going through every class sitting alone and by myself, hoping nobody noticed. I watched. Everything and everyone. All the stupid little pranks between friends. All the laughter and happiness…fake or real. All the fights and arguments. I saw it all. And then I saw her. I noticed her one day in sixth period. She sat by herself too. Off to the side in the back, watching as well.
Everyday after that I couldn’t wait for sixth hour to come. I would walk in and look over at her, sitting there. I watched her closely as she stared dreamily in front of her…eyes not focused on anything, just empty space. I wondered what she thought about. Everyday I came in she would have the same dreamy expression on her face. And everyday I wondered what it was that made her look that way. What made her think so deeply?
I knew I would sit like that sometimes…staring off into space, just thinking, but I knew what made me think like that. It was her. I couldn’t get her off my mind and everyday I saw her it made me think more. I would sit in sixth hour, stealing glances at her and she’d just be sitting there…daydreaming. About what? I always wondered. Then I would sit there and ponder that thought…the whole period. Then I would wait for the bell and when it rang I would watch her leave the class.
Later on that year I would start to look for her in the halls. I would see her sitting alone at lunch and want so bad to approach her, but I knew I couldn’t. I liked where I was. I was able to watch her without her knowing; able to wonder about her without asking. At lunch I would position myself across the cafeteria so that I would have perfect view of her. I would get a lunch tray and stare at my food, no even bothering to eat, but instead taking momentary looks up at her.
Weeks went by and that was what I would do. Walk through the halls and look for her, watch her pass. Look for her at lunch. Watch her in class. It was all I could do. I was too afraid to approach. But she took up every inch of mind everyday and night. I wanted to hear her voice at least once, but I didn’t know how. I wanted to ask her what she thought about everyday, but I was afraid to ask. So I watched.
One day, at lunch, I stole a look at her and she was staring back. I saw into her eyes as she saw into mine and for the first time I knew what she felt. I could see the pain and the horror reflected in those sad, green eyes. I could see all the days of wondering how long she would be in this world and all the long nights of crying after her father beat her. I saw every inch of emotion she held inside and I wondered…why was she showing me this? Then she looked away and that moment, the one that haunts me to this day…was the first and last I would ever share with her.
The next day on the overhead the principle asked us to bow our heads in silence. I sat there and before the principle even began to speak my eyes filled with tears. I knew it was her. She had committed suicide, he told us. Tears poured from my eyes as though someone had switched on a faucet and now it wouldn’t turn off. I sobbed quietly alone at my desk. I knew I could have helped. If I had just talked to her. If I hadn’t been afraid.
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