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twilightx28

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          Hi...

          I guess this is just me trying to be honest. I don't really know how long I've wanted to say this, but I love you. I have since 7th grade and you were dating friend, even though I didn't know it (loving you, I mean). I feel bad about it too, considering she was my best friend. I don't know why, but it always seemed like you liked me, too. Like when I caught you staring at me on the bus ride home from our field trip, or when you came to my house for Halloween, but I was with your girlfriend. Or was it ex by that time? I can't remember...I do know that that night, the only thing I regret was not letting my sister leave when I told her to come with me to see you. I still would like to know what would've happened that night...I love you.
          I've been jealous of them for a long time, ya know. All of your girlfriends. It was for stupid reasons, too. Mostly because you and I could never be more than this. Even if I sometimes feel that there is more. I always got so mad when you would talk to me during Algebra about all the girls you liked and dated and hated, even though I always wanted to know. I guess, deep down, I just wanted to know if you would fail. Even now, you tell me all of these things, like I deserve to know or even want to know, when I sometimes just don't. My curiosity however, gets the better of me. I have to know, because I have to see if you will last. I have to know if it will ever be me that you'll talk about to another girl one of these days...If it is, and she falls in love, I pity her. Because I know that falling in love with you never ends well. I love you
          Sometimes, I just want to run to your house, knock on your front door, talk to you, and tell you everything. I came close to telling you. On a few occasions, actually. I walked past your house and was halfway down the street when I turned and went back. I stood across form your house for a long time before I took a step forward. I changed my mind and walked home. I cried the whole way there. I had a message written and ready to send and was a click away from sending you an e-mail that would've changed my life when I deleted it. I was one button away from calling you and pouring out my soul when I hung up. I still want to from time to time. Even in English, it's all I can do not to just tell you. I have the urge to send you this letter, but I know I won't. I would be too humiliated. Especially when I know it's another you want to be with. I love you.
          My sister tells me I'm not completely insane for loving you. She says that maybe one day I'll actually be able to tell myself it's alright to feel. But I don't think so. I have learned to put up a barrier around my heart to protect myself from you, from everything. It turns out that when I get close to others or let others get close to me, something bad happens. My father left. My grandmother died. My friendships aren't even strong anymore. I don't know why I've finally decided to write this letter, but I did. I gain comfort in knowing that you won't see it for quite some time. Maybe if I ever decide to send it to you, you won't laugh at me. I know you say you're kind and nice and you would never do something like that to anyone, but you also know me...and I know you. As soon as this is read, you would turn to your friends and laugh. Maybe even your brother, I don't know. I would cry about it and then I would put band aid on my heart and try my absolute hardest to move on. Not everyone deserves love. Not everyone deserves a soulmate. I put myself in that category unequivicolly. I love you.
          Maybe you should know, but even if you shouldn't I'll tell you anyway. Twice I almost took my life because of you...other things were included, but you were always my main reason. After you found someone that you truly loved and after I saw you everyday with the same girl, never even noticing me until you needed someone to talk to to. I tried to suffocate myself, but only wound up putting myself into a dreamless sleep. I tried to drown myself in my bathtub, but I had too much control then. I realized then that it was entirely too stupid to do something so outrageous because you of you. You are so important to me, but my family is more important, and the faces and expressions I would have to endure for all eternity was too much to bear. Sometimes, whenever I screw up, I wish I could've gone through with it. Just let myself forget it all and just go, but then I rewind. No. I would never. Not because of you. Not because of my own inability to speak my thoughts. No. I love you.
          I just want to see myself through your eyes. Just know what you think everyday when you see me. It would make me happy to know what you think, even if it's you saying you hate me. I would give my life to know what you think. You have no idea how much I just want to scream to the world how much I love you and hate you at the same time. My friends don't even know. They all think that I just like you alot or hate you. It's excrutiating to watch you like everyone else but me. Want every other girl but me. I guess I'll just never be good enough, right? I guess I'll just always be a 'friend' right? Not even that, I suspect. Oh well. Life goes on. You go on. I go on. I guess I just needed to say this so I could finally have some peace in my heart. Maybe my pain isn't as strong as I thought. I still haven't cried. Goodbye. Thank you. I love you.

          Samantha.