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Chapter four ~ truly, madly deeply

As I looked, the first thing I thought was that this person was just like the rest of us, like me, the doctor and my father. But as I looked closer this person looked nothing like that. The hair was longer for a start, stopping just past the shoulders. Then I thought, maybe it wasn’t like one of us. Maybe it wasn’t a man but a woman. I didn’t know much about them but this was something like I’d never seen before. Wow, it surely was beautiful. I’d read books, heard them explained but nothing seemed as great as the real thing. I had to find out more about it, anything. Maybe I could even find some pictures if I could sneak into the library without my father coming back. I didn’t care how weak I felt; I had to find out more, this was my only chance. I knew I had to be careful though, if my father found out then he’d keep me locked up again. Maybe this time for weeks, maybe even months. He’d even tie me to him if he could. He sure was going to be angry if he knew I broke my promise to him, he might even inform the doctor. But at the moment I didn’t care. I had to find out more about this beauty.

As I continued to look at this wonder it looked up at me, catching my gaze. Our eyes met for a moment, and then her hand shot up, showing me her middle finger. Whatever did that mean? I had no idea. Maybe it was some way of saying hello, like a wave. I repeated the gesture back smiling. I had to get closer to her somehow. If only there was a way of getting outside. No. I couldn’t do that. There wasn’t a way. The outside world was dangerous, not for someone like me, I couldn’t go out. I couldn’t disobey my father’s rules, it was wrong. But the more I thought about it the more I wanted to. I had to get outside and see this thing for myself. But there was no way I could attempt to get out. The doors would be locked, I was sure. The windows were barred. It wasn‘t possible. So I decided I had to go to the library. At least there I could find out more about this being.

I walked over to the door as quickly as I could, my legs limping from the weak feeling in them. But I couldn’t give up. Wouldn’t give up. I carried on, walking out into the corridor and looking right and then left to make sure no one was coming, you could never be too sure. One I’d done this I moved on again, turning left and then right leading myself to the flight of stairs ahead of me. Going down the stairs would be the hardest part, I walked down carefully taking one step at a time. Suddenly I tumbled, missing my footing. I gripped a hold of the banister, stopping my fall. Now wouldn’t be a good time to injure myself.

As I entered the library I sat down on one of the chairs, resting my aching legs for a while. The library was one of the biggest rooms that I knew about here, it even had an upstairs. Books were crammed into many shelves. There had to be over 1000 books here, I could easily find something. As I searched I couldn’t find anything, no pictures or details about the wonders of woman. Nothing. I was about to give up when I saw a book that wasn’t even in a bookcase. It lay flat down on a table, the cover of it turned over. As I looked closely I realised that this wasn’t a book, the pages were to thin for it. It had to be one of my fathers magazines, he’d probably left it behind by accident. I turned the page over, excitement filling me. Maybe I would find out what I needed to know.

I gawped in shock as I looked. This wasn’t any ordinary magazine. On the front was a picture of a woman, I knew it had to be a woman. The body was very different to mine. She wore no clothes, nothing to protect her innocent body. Her hair was a long golden blonde that grew down to chest, covering half of the top part. I light touched my fingers across the picture. I stopped, sickened. What was I doing? Was this normal? It couldn’t be, none of this could be right. I threw the magazine across the room, making it hit the wall hard with a thud. I was disgusted, sick to the core. This was unnatural, impure. My perfect image of a woman was now gone, filled with this. My mind full with thoughts that weren’t possibly right. Things I shouldn’t be thinking. I felt ashamed and embarrassed at myself, woman were pure and innocent nothing like what I was imagining. The magazine was probably fake, it couldn’t be real. I shook them out, focused on the other one, the one I’d seen outside. She was nothing like what I had seen before me. She was different. No books or pictures could even capture such beauty. I decided then that I had to see this person for myself. I couldn’t just go by on what I had seen. I needed to see her up close. I had to get outside.