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thevickb

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I opened my eyes, waking up in a different room to the one I went to sleep in. The room was light; I could feel the warmth of the sun hitting my face. I loved the way this felt; I hardly ever had that feeling. It was hard to find the sun beaming through in such a dark, gloomy place. As my eyes opened fully, I became aware that I’d never been in this room before. It was a bit different to the other rooms that I’d seen. It was a bright, warm room the walls painted a lemon yellow. Near me was a bedside table, a vase of sunflowers upon it. My father always brought me flowers after the operation; they were the closest thing I could get to the outside world and nature. On the other side of the room near the door was a desk, on it a music player and a computer, something that the doctor used constantly. I grew to hate them; they reminded me so much of him. I listened intently; I could hear the soft sound of music playing. I loved listening to music, all sorts of music. The radio channels were the best, I particularly liked radio one. I loved everything from Rock to RnB to classical. One of my favourites was Mozart. Playing now was a song I hadn’t heard before,

I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope
I'll be your love
Be everything that you need.

My head hurt, but not as bad as it had before. Though my body felt worse, like I couldn’t even move properly. My arms and legs felt like they were made of jelly. I tried sitting up, but a feeling of dizziness overcame me and I had to sit back down. My father was here, I could see him leaning over me.

“Ollie. You’re awake, finally. Are you hurt, in pain?”

“I’m fine.” I mumbled, it was even hard getting words out. My throat felt all dry.

“Here.” he said, putting a glass of water to my lip. I drank it willingly, my thirst quenching. I looked around me, trying to find the doctor. He had to be here somewhere, the man that was responsible for all this pain.
“The doctors not here, for now. He’ll be away for a few days.” I wondered how he managed it, how did he get the doctor to leave? And what would happen when he came back?

“Look, Ollie!” he said suddenly, moving his body and turning away so that the window was in view. I gawped in astonishment. I could see. Everything. It was the most amazing thing I’d ever seen in my life. How could I have missed this? The world. It was beautiful. I could see the blazing sun, shining down its warmth. The clouds hovering in the deep blue sky. I could see the grass below me, moving slightly from the breeze of the wind. It was amazing. I couldn’t find words to describe how I felt.

“Wow.” I said softly, looking now at my father. I couldn’t believe he’d did this, couldn’t say the right words to tell him how much this meant. This was clearly one of the best things that had ever happened to me.

“I thought, maybe you needed a little freedom. I haven’t been fair to you in the past few days.”

“Thank you.” I said, trying t make my voice clearer.

“Don’t talk. Just rest.” He kept quiet then. Just watching me as I continued to look outside. I wanted to get closer, but I knew he wouldn’t allow that yet. I was still weak. He wouldn’t even let me move an inch if he thought it hurt me. He sat up suddenly from the edge of my bed, walking over to the music player and turning the sound up. He knew how much I loved music.

“I have to go out for a bit Ollie I wont be long, I promise.” he said, turning back to me now on the bed. He gently stoked my hair, pulling back my fringe.

“Your hairs getting long. Maybe you’ll need it cut soon.” I shook my head.

“I like it long” I said, though I wasn’t being entirely truthful. I didn’t want to tell him the truth, that I didn’t want to look the same as my father. Growing my hair longer felt like I was being my own person, having my own identity. I just didn’t want to hurt my fathers feelings. His mood might change so suddenly.

“It looks better short, you’ve always had it short. It needs cutting.” He was doing it again, trying to control me.

“Yes father.” I said, I really didn’t want him getting angry with me right now.

“No, not yes father. You’re supposed to say no.”
“But you said….”

“Why can’t you have your own mind for once? Why do you always have to agree with me? Yes father, no father. You’re like a puppet. It gets on my nerves.”

“I’m sorry.” I said, surprised at how sudden his change of mood came. It took me by surprise every time.

“No, you’re not sorry. You haven’t even done anything, why would you be sorry?”

“I don’t know.” I wished he’d leave now, he was starting to scare me.

“If you don’t know then why say it? Eh?”

“I don’t know, please dad.” I said, looking away from his face. He was looking at me weird. His mind on something else that he hadn’t yet said. I knew he hadn’t finished yet. Why did he have to change now? Everything was going okay until I opened my gob. I always had to start him of somehow.

“No, I want to know. Why are you sorry? Look at me Ollie.” He held my face, making me look at him. I flinched at his touch. I hoped he wouldn’t get any worse, it sacred me when he was like this. I had no idea what to say or how to react. The slightest thing might set him of.

“You’re scared of me, aren’t you?” I shook my head, though inside I was nodding. Yes, I was scared at him at times like this. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me, he’d never gone that far. But he still frightened me. There was always a chance.

“Yes, yes you are. That’s why you always agree with me. You think I’ll put you sleep like the doctor. You think I’ll hurt you.”

“No” I lied. Of coarse I thought that. He did it the other week, when I was out of control. He agreed with the doctor then. What would stop him from doing it again?

“Yes you are. You think I’ll hit you. I’d never do that, never. You should know that Ollie, you should.”
“I know.”

“You think I pushed you down the stairs don’t you?” I sighed, my temper rising inside me. This was all the doctors fault. He’d made him worse.

“It was an accident.” I said, not even sure if it was or not. I couldn’t even remember what happened.

“The doctor doesn’t think so. He thinks I pushed you, did I? Did I push you?”

“No, you didn’t push me. It wasn’t your fault, I know.” I said trying my best to calm him down. I had to reassure him somehow.

“Tell me. Tell me what happened please. I need to know.”

“I was walking down the stairs, the doctor was away, so you left the door unlocked.” I wasn’t even sure if this was true, I was making it all up. To be honest I couldn’t remember anything at all.

“I missed a step and slipped. Then you came.”

“I didn’t push you?”

“No. You weren’t near.” his face changed then, he already seemed more calm. All I had to do was reassure him.

“I have to go. You won’t leave will you? If the doctor comes, don’t go with him. Promise me you won’t leave me.”

“Promise.” I said, glad that this was over.