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A House Of Broken Promises & Dreams..[ to chapter 5 ] |
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A House Of Broken Promises & Dreams..[ to chapter 5 ]
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 Created on 2-16-07
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 Story Rating G
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[1]
I got my first letter back from my dad today. I’m unsure to open in or just put it away. My heart is beating so fast, I think it might just jump out of my chest. So many thoughts race threw my mind. But at lest I know where he is.
“Ok, if I open it. Then I have to write back. What do I say to him, do I want to tell him how stupid he is... or cry and say I love him and miss him.”
“I decide to open it.”
5-22-05
5:00 pm
Dear, Alyssa
Thanks for the letter. I’m glad you guys came. I hope you can come in the week after next. I guess that depends on your mom and work. I wish I could be there for you more. But I have to get this taken care of. I hope you understand that. This will all be over soon enough, you’ll see. I promise. Keep your eyes on you brother for me. Try not to fight too much. Please. You don’t need to stress you mom out anymore than she is. I hope you keeping the house clean for her. I’m glad you’re enjoying softball. I hope you win a lot of games. I’m sorry you couldn’t get to Florida. But there always another time. I wish I could get out long enough to fix your mom’s car. How’s she holding up anyways? I’m worried bout you guys. I’m really sorry you all have your lives messed up because of it. I didn’t mean for this to happen. Have you gone to Uncle Buck’s lately? I still haven’t seen the baby yet. Maybe you can put my good clothes in that really big FMF duffels bag for me. I would like all my camo stuff put in garage bags. You know my boots and coat and all that stuff. All my old work clothes you can put in garage bags to go through and keep some shirts for night gowns., just don’t keep all of the good ones. Well that enough for now be good and take care of everyone for me. Tell everyone I said hi and I love and miss them. I love you. Be good.
Love,
Dad.
I finished the letter with tears rolling down my cheeks, gently landing on my yellow lined paper, he had written to me on. I grabbed a yellow folder and put it away carefully.
I walked over to the bathroom mirror to wipe away my running eyeliner. Then returning to my parent’s bedroom, Holding 3 black garbage bags and opening one drawer at a time. Carefully dropping my dad’s clothes down in to the garbage bags. Letting the smell of his aftershave embrace me. After 1 hour of packing his belonging away, I carried them to the cellar one by one locking them away. Saving myself one shirt, I was an orange and blue tie dyed with a dragon rapped around surf bored; along with a necklace with him name “MATT” in silver letters with a black rope holding it together.
[2]
Maybe I should be glad you’re gone, maybe not. Is wrong to feel this way, I love you but I’m glad your out of here, its all for the best. I know you’re my father but you never loved her, my mother that is. If you would have you never would have done this… or that’s that I think.
I’ve read your letter over and over now. This is bring back my childhood…the one I’ve trying to push away and but never forgot, but it’s kind of like on those bad dreams where that’s all you think about. It takes me back, way back.
I was little maybe 8 or 9 and you came home drunk, mom had been crying all night along with Mitchell because he couldn’t sleep. So I had finally gotten him to fall asleep and the front door slammed shut, scaring me for knowing it was you, DRUNK. But also knowing what was about to be cut lose. I do remember walking out into the living room and hiding behind the chair with the hole above it from you throwing a Mitchell’s pumpkin threw it that pervious Halloween. You were at the top of the stairs and mom was below you and she was screaming” HIT ME MATT, HIT ME…I DARE YOU” and how scared and how knotted up my stomach got after that, think what would happed if you really did hit her…and you did she hit you back and then uncle mike can running inside in his white underwear telling them he called the cops and he was taking Mitch and me to sleep over there until things were settled. Then I went and go Mitch and let with Uncle Mike…then once in his house I hear cops and screaming and fell a sleep holding my brother and telling him I wouldn’t ever let out family fall apart…
It hurts me, knowing how much pressure you and mom put on me. You don’t know what pain that causes me, then and now…emotion and physical. Soon after dad left I started cutting my wrist and ankles. No one noticed and if they did they didn’t bother to say anything. I was the main person to hold everyone together, and tell Mitchell everything will be ok. I did never really have a childhood. With raise my brother while you guys acted like teenagers all over again leaving me to be a mother at age 9 and possibly younger. One this I did learn is that no one is perfect, you guys really proved that one…
~~~
Well it was almost June, so that meant I would finally be turning 14 years old. I have gotten more letters from my dad but my mom kept them all. Hiding them as if they were some precise map to my father.
But soon after he was arrest, my mother didn’t pay the light bill for she spent it on “unnecessary things”…for her self and it was soon shut off and we were sent to live with Her best friend Sherri and her husband along with her two sons. For my birthday I had my best friend at the time Rachel, come over and Sherri threw me a party…my mom did show up but not even saying “Happy Birthday” nor giving me anything. I think that’s what hurt me the most. The shit finally hit the fan…
I stayed there with Sherri and her family till August, and then decided to live with my grandparents, Judy and Matt Sr. Maybe one of the best choice I’ve made on my own…I did say maybe.
[3]
I got another letter today from him. I opened it as fast as my fingers would let me. At the top of the letter is said “Dad loves you will all this heart, don’t ever forget that…”
Sorry I guess I forgot that dad, because remember you’re the one who left me. DUH! Earth to Dad…You and Mom are the reason my wrist are bleeding and my heart is being torn to pieces. Every childhood moment flashed through my brain like my privet own video recording in my head.
8-11-05
12:00 am
Dear Alyssa,
How are you doing? I’m fine. I miss you guys so much. Thanks for the pictures. It’s cute. I hung it up on my wall with the others. I hope you and your brother are adjusting ok to your life. Its going to be ok I promise as soon as I get out things with be much better, I promise you that. Please be respectful to your Gram and Papa they want what’s best for all three of us, OK? Keep on track of the rest of the family for me also. Esp. your brother. I worry about the both of you everyday and I hope you don’t wear your gram out too much. Just do your best to help out. I promise ill start to write more if you do ok. I’ll keep this short so I can right to your brother too. Hugs and kisses.
Love,
DAD
P.S. hug and kiss everyone for me and say hi too. Love yah later.
He does a lot of promising doesn’t he? I’ve heard it my whole life and still do. I take the letter fold it up and put it with the rest, saving them all for evidence maybe one day if I forget you loved me. I’ll look at them and see you once did.
I have no idea what my mom was like as a child, she never tells me. All I know is that she moved around a lot and then moved to Harrisville, New York and met my father, who was a senior at the time. But my Grandma Donna, her mother explained it as a high school romantic.
She told me that when they moved her my mom was 16 or 17 and my Uncle AJ was a senior. He and my dad became friends and when it came to graduation time, as my dad walked down the isle after his diploma my mom saw him and it was love at first sight…
I remember being so curious how she could have loved him so much and then just stop one day because he was gone. It amuses me and worries me at the same time. I stop to think what if I turn out to be like that, fall in love with one man, marry him and then just one day give up o him because he wasn’t there.
~~~
All these memories I keep digging up worry me, for each memory has it own scar that hurts worst than it was being made. Maybe stuff done in the past should stay there…because if not they cause more problems now than they ever did.
This is when the nightmares started…
Id be back home with everyone and acting happy and nice but then mom would disappear along with my dad, and you could hear cutting and screaming. Id run to see what was wrong and to fine my dad cutting into the walling with a knife he had just killed my mother leaving her body draped over the bloody sheet covering bed.
My heart would start racing and then to notice it wasn’t really my dad is was his body with no face, as if he had eating it away with every splash of my mother’s blood.
It would finally end because id would wake you me be being covering in a cold, sticky sweat gasping for air, as if I were to have stopped breathing when I was dreaming. Reaching out and grabbing my father’s shirt and holding it until I feel back asleep. But not returning to my terrible dream I was having.
[4]
I confined myself to my room for he first month of staying with my grandparents, then decided I needed help. so they sat me down along with my aunt and talked to bout about seeing someone and then that hated me up and I got pissed.
“Alyssa we’re worried about you…”that was enough for me to hear from my Papa.
“Yah I’m fine, I don’t need help” I answered with anger rising in my voice.
“I know you’re confused right now but it’s all going to be ok and work its way out.” My aunt said cutting in
“I said I’m ok and don’t need to talk to anyone. ill be fine, I always am.”
“Well we just wanted to put it out and they you decide..”
“Ok, I decided. I’m fine.” I finished talking and walked away back to my room.
With the lasted letter from my dad.
8-16-05
10:30 pm
Dear Alyssa,
How are you doing? I’m fine. Hope things are working out o.k. I still worry about you. I missed you last week. I hope you come Sunday. Im trying to write more. Hope you’re ready for school. You should try to keep your mind focus on your work and keep your grades you. Are you talking to your mom yet? I hope so. You should forgive her and move on. Its best not o hold any grudges. I can’t what to get out of here. I miss you very much everyday. I love you very much. Please try to be good. Well ill write more later. Hugs and kisses.
Love,
DAD
p.s. I’ll call before out Sunday visit, ok?
XXXXOOOO
~~~
Wow everyone seems to be playing the worried card on me today. Great now I worried bout my own sanity, maybe I am crazy or I’m the sane one and everyone else should see a doctor. Ha-ha yah right what am I kidding myself.
I am crazy…
My nightmare came back tonight, but with a whole new twist.
This time it was only Mitch and me, but we were very little like I was around I was 8 and he was 5. My parents were there but in there bed room. My brother body became lifeless. My body was filled with fear and anger. I was carrying his tiny lifeless body to my parent’s body to find my father still carving at the wall and my mother lying face down covered in her own blood. As I turned to read the wall…
I suddenly jolted away by screaming…
My own screaming. What had I seen, what worried me so?
I knew that I wouldn’t fall back asleep until I could figure it out.
[5]
That voice….a voice of pain and misery piercing my ears like my bleeding wrist, I swear I’m screaming but no words are escaping my mouth. I still next to you as you talk about you life and love and fuck, I don’t care. Like OH MY GOD! Who even gives a shit…not me? I just up and slowly walk to the bathroom. It’s about 6:00 and just getting dark. I decide I need a shower. I undress looking at my unforgivable figure and realize how much I really hate my body.
Opening the glass door to the steaming shower, taking a shiny razorblade along with me. I run my fingers across the steamed glass writing a secret suicide note, no one will every read…I trace along every scar I’ve made on my wrist.
~~~
I wake up, looking over at the clock, reading 2:17 am. The sheets are damp with blood from my newly made cuts. They haven’t even scabbed over yet.
I get up reaching for my top drawer and pulling out a black washcloths and wrapping it against my wrist.
I fall back asleep.
My nightmare begins…
Falling down faster and faster until I hit the bottom, yet I’m not dead. I look up to see that Mitchell is standing over me, he is very little and he starts to run, faster and faster. I think ill just stay right where I am…but what about Mitchell. Pain floods in to my body, over taken all my other emotions. I decide to get up and run after him. He led me to a old house, empty but the same noise of screams and scraping, I race to the noise leaving Mitchell behind and finding yet again my mother laying face down on a old rusty yellow rug, as I walk to her I can taste the metallic of her blood draining from her cold and clammy body. I look over to a broken mirror hanging over her body and the reflection show a man, my father walking to me, but I’m a baby in his arms...he’s singing to me, what a sweet lullaby..” rock-a-bye baby, in the treetop…when the wind blows, the cradle will rock, when the bough breaks, the cradle will fall and down will come baby, cradle and all…” the mirror smashes and the scraping be comes louder. I run to it, running but it dose me no good…I’m not moving...is something holding me? I scream…
I wake up again in a cold sweat. Trying to calm myself down, but it’s not worth it... my cut it splitting back open and blood rushes down my wrist to my crease in my elbow and I gently get up and walk to the bathroom. Turning the sink on and letting it fill with pink tinted water. Grabbing a paper towel and drying it off and wrapping it with gauze. Returning to my bedroom and trying to fall back asleep.
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