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To Live in the Present Again |
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Anxiety |
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To Live in the Present Again
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 Created on 2-27-07
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 Story Rating G
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When did I lose my ability to have fun? Was it when I became a loner as a child? Was it when I felt I didn’t belong and didn’t like who I was? Was it when I realized that drinking wasn’t healthy for me? Was it when I started over-analyzing every little thing? “I can’t stay out late tonight because I have to get up early and go running.” “I didn’t get up early and go running this morning so that’s why I’m eating this soup and bread,” as if there was something wrong with eating and as if eating a small cup of soup with a piece of bread was going to make me a big fat heffer. But I don’t think I was entirely off. I knew that eating and drinking certain things affected my energy and the way that I felt. Or was it food anxiety? I didn’t want to spend money on food and I didn’t want to eat anything unhealthy, so I planned and I planned and I planned. Instead of just having the mindset of I’ll find food when I need food. I worried that there wouldn’t be healthy food around when I needed to eat or that I would have to spend between five and ten dollars on a meal when I could make four meals for that price. I wonder what life would have been like if I had money to blow and didn’t care all that much about making sure I only ate whole grains, steamed veggies and grilled protein. Maybe no matter which way you go you are screwed. If I had money I would do one of those meals to you programs where you get your food for the whole day in a handy refrigerated bag. Why was food such a big worry? I guess I wanted to stay slim. I liked how it felt to be in shape and be able to move around and do things. Now that my body is all discombobulated I hate that I can’t move like I used to and that I have no control over my food. It would be nice if I could just be okay with having to eat pizza and cake. I should enjoy it right? No, I sit there and ruminate on how my set eating schedule went down the drain whenever I messed around with my meds. What would it have been like if I had gone to see a psychiatrist in the beginning? Would I have had more fun in college? Would I have been more successful in L.A.? Would I actually be living a life worth living right now? What I wouldn’t do for sanity and stability back in my life. It kills me to look back and see all the times I could have gotten it back but let the worrying and my ego get in the way of my happiness. I know what I want now; now that I sit there and see what I would have had I not let the anxiety overtake my life. I would be doing yoga, meditating, acting, and enjoying life. I’d go on vacations, go out to eat with friends… all the stuff that I’m invited to do, but can’t because I can’t enjoy the present moment.
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