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<div style="border:1px #ccc solid; background-image:url('/images/ray.gif'); font-family:arial; width:200px; padding:5px;"><center><div style="font-size:20px;"><a href="/story/roglol1973/22356">Recovery (Chapter Three)</a></div><table><tr><td width="50"><div style="color:#2CC362; font-size:15px; padding-top:4px; background-image:url('/images/profratebg.gif'); background-repeat:no-repeat; width:44px; height:26px; text-align:center; font-weight:bold; vertical-align:middle; padding-top:8px; padding-left:1px; " valign="top">7</div></td><td><div style="height:100px;width:100px; padding-top:9px; background-repeat:no-repeat; background-image:url(/images/storyCover.png);"><a href="/story/roglol1973/22356"><div style="margin-left:9px; __padding:0px; height:90px; width:70px; background-repeat:no-repeat; background-image:url('http://www.testriffic.com/storyfiles/22356.jpg');"></div></a></div></td></tr></table></center></div>

+ 7	Recovery (Chapter Three)
+ 4	Recover (Chapter Two)
+ 5	Recovery (Chapter One)
+ 5	Recovery (Introduction)

Chapter Three : (Recovery)

 

                           Self Evaluation ;

 

  The great obsession is the one thing that I had a hard time understanding . It drove me nuts while I drank and even after . First it was the obsession to drink then it turned to the obsession to think . It was all about control , and I couldn't turn the reins' over to someone or something else . I had to keep it all toghether and to myself . I would say that I believed in God , yet I would try to float on my own intelect , trying to learn as much as I could about alcoholism . It never occured to me that I was living on self sufficiancy alone . To have permanent sobriety , I had to turn it over , and that could be to anything that I chose . Some choose a group of drunks' , others' choose a door knob , I choose to turn it over to God . Some even call it the God of their uderstanding . Not me , I never understood God and I still don't . Some one once asked Mother Terressa to pray that he may have a better understanding  of God's will for him , and  Mother Terressa refused . She would though prey that he have more trust in God instead . I admire things' like that , becuase I can understand those concepts' . Through-out her life and with all the things' she did for God , he claimed that she never knew what God's will for her was . Isn't that Amazing .
  My obsession with recovery was just as bad as that of my drinking in the first three years' . I was insane . I would disect the literature in my twelve step program , look up words' in the dictionary , get involved with twelve step study groups' , underline sentences' and leave notes' all over my books' . When I was asked questions' about each step , I gave drawn out answers' . It was all about being a smart person and never about sobriety . Questions' only need yes or no answers' , and if it needs a response , it should be short and simple . I was trying to explain why I was an alcoholic and I didn't need too . It was intelectual self sufficiency and thinking my way thrue sobriety instead of living it .
   Even when I was drinking , things seemed real , yet it wasn't . I was so full of fear , with low self esteem and an ego the size of Mount Everest . Reality is but an allusion indead , and allusions' are used by the great doctors' of history to probe and analyse . Thay use it to comprehend normal perception . Insanity is used to determine sanity . Abnormal to determine normal . What seemed real is no longer real to me , becuase of the experiences' I have been thrue . I was in full flight from reality through-out early recovery . Don't get me wrong either , I still feel as though I'm in early recovery , yet I am now able to understand a little more than what I once did . I sat in meetings' watching as poeple acted chaotic , I learned how not to live a chaotic life . I took what was learned in those rooms' , and slowly applied it to my life . I really don't have an understanding of God or what's real for others' though . I do have a better understanding of the world arround me and how God works in that world . That is my personal spiritual awakening . It may not be that way for others' , but it's what I was given and it's all that I need , and I'm grateful just for that . I understand the differance between sobreity and serenity today . Sobriety is a way of acting and serenity is a way of feeling . Two seperate things' . I know that sometimes' I must do things' that I don't wish to do , to simply stay sober . Sometimes' in the end , working with others' dosn't feel good , especially after looking at the entire situation , yet it keeps us sober .
  Sometimes my obsessions' kept me down in that hole , and I didn't have the couradge to climb out . I was once told a story about a man who was walking down the street and ran into a hole in the middle of the street . When he looked down into the hole , he saw another man trying to climb out yet couldn't . When the man in the hole saw the man standing up on the surface he told him to go find a rope , so that he could climb out . Instead , the man jumped in the hole with him . The man in the hole became furious , "Why did you do that" , he yelled , " now we are both stuck down in this hole " ! The other man replied , " No , we're not stuck , I was in this hole befor and I climbed out . I jumped down her to show you how I did it . We'll climb out of this hole toghether " . That story has stuck in my head since early recovery and it means alot to me , to this day .
  Ever since I could remember , I would always put up this front that I was big and bad , yet deep inside I always felt less than . I would go to work and a man half my age would tell me how to do things' and I felt he was wiser than me . I never felt that I could ever get the job done , and that I didn't ammount to anything . I was an ego-maniac with an inferiority complex . Obsessed with doing everything perfect , and afraid of messing up .
  My fears' run deep too , I was so terrified of driving and of semis' . Today , I know how to drive semis' . That is the mirracle of the program , yet the fears' are still there . I was in an accident as a child which involved a military tow truck and a semi and that trama messed with me through-out my life . I can remember getting high , and being terrified of riding in vehicles' . The inner-states' scared me , becuase Big Trucks' drove on them . For some reason , I was also afraid of U.P.S. trucks' too . I thought thay were monsters' . I would run when I saw them . Eventually , I grew out of that though . Big Dogs' made me terrified as well , I can remember always getting chased home , by a big black dog , when I lived on a dairy in Florida . To this day I can remember that dog , and I also remember when thay found it dead under my house as well . Its head was cut off by an armadilla . Those things' are pretty vicious too , and thay would chase me too . Thay didn't scare me though , like dogs' did though . I was always emotionally over-sensitive , and my emotions' cuased allot of Phobias' .
  Even though I had allot of phobias' thay weren't my worse fears' . The fears' that cuased me the most problems' were the suttle ones' . I was always afraid that poeple were going to take what I felt belonged to me . I would lie , cheat , manipulate , downgrade and belittle to make sure that didn't happen . I would tear others' down and make them look bad to make myself look better . I would build myself up at the expence of others' and their character defects' and never look at my own . It was never about how I played a part in anything , it was about how thay messed up . Responsability and committment was all alien to me , and I didn't really even understand what principles' or morals' really were . I ran from my problems' instead of facing them . I still have problems' with those issues' to some degree , but at least I am working on them .
  Early in recovery , I was always afraid too . I was told in treatment to make my bed every morning and eat three meals' a day . Never become hungry , angry , tired or alone . If I did , I would relapse . Thay gave me that relapse prevention plan and I was terrified . I had to learn thrue experience though that sometime I will be hungry , angry , lonely and tired . Thats still no excuse for drinking . My life today isn't build on the primise that if I don't make my bed , I'll get drunk . It's build on Striength , something real and developed thrue experience . What was once real is not real to me today . Reality is but an allusion for better comprehension of normal perception . What I went thrue , I had to go thrue to get where I am today . I made my mistakes' and I paid my dues' , I learned and moved on , remembering not to repeat those mistakes' agian in the future . That is how striength was acquired by me .
  Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over agian and expecting a differant result each time . For me that holds true , I did the same things' over and over and I always thought something differant would happen . The times' that I would drink one day after the next . The mornings' after , and the pain of the next morning . Drinking coffee and alca-selzure to relieve the pain , only to drink by four O' clock once more . I would have so much guilt over the way I treated my girlfriend , yet it would never stop me from taking the next drink . The shame of not being able to take care of myself becuase the drink was more important . Remorse from the actions' of my past , and the guilt and shame all mixed in too . All churned toghether to create the insanity that I was living in . I was too afraid to take care of myself in the end , so I used the poeple arround me for that . I played the character , until the show was over . When I was found out though , I was left abandoned , alone and afraid like a frieghtened child . I had to live life one day at a time , learning how to take care of myself and it was the scariest thing I had ever done . I'm still doing that today , and each day that I do it life gets a little more crazier , putting me in more insane situations along the road . My story is like most others' though , so I listen and I learn . I pay attention to the things' that I go thrue , so that I don't repeat the mistakes' I make .
The Obsession in my life has been somewhat relieved , and the insanity isn't so intense . That's only becuase I am aware that it all starts in me , and not from the outside . In the beginning , I was hopeless and helpless . In time though , God gave me a little bit of control , not much yet some . I had to understand that the only control that I truly had was over my emotions' and my actions' .
  I had to step out of my denial , admit to myself that of myself I am nothing . I had to accept help from others' , not much , just a little bit of suggestion and direction . Not a push or a shove , just a nudge . I was the type of person who believed I had patience and tolerance , yet I found out that I am pushy and hard headed . I was always the person who felt he was a caring , giving , kind person . Come to find out I was a poeple pleaser trying to be a nice person only to get his way . I was a leach and I clinged to others' for survival .
  I was full of delusion and couldn't tell the true from the false , becuase I was ignorant to the truth . The truth is that I was a slave , and I could never have been freed until I learned how to stand on my own two feet and became responsable . I had to learn how to face my fears' and admitt that I had fears' and alot of them . Fear dominated me to the point that it was the every day norm to me . I lived on self preservation alone . I learned early on that fear will keep you sober for a while , but it won't give permanent sobriety . My fear sobered me up , yet it will also end up getting me drunk agian , if I'm not careful . My Compaisant behaiviors' will be the end of me , becuase I wish to remain ignorant at times' becuase of fear . It's so important to grow , and its also important to stay green . Either I stay green or I'll go rotten . A simple answer to compaisancy is , when I am lazy , become active . When I want to procrastinate , show up on time , if possible show up fifteen minutes' early , to what ever appointment needs to be met . The simple answers' are always the best solutions' to my problems' . Remember to keep it simple , that is it . I can remember always being obsessed with things while I drank . I had to set my clothes' a certain way in the bathroom , when I took a shower . I had to get ready for work the same exact way , in order for the day to go right . I had to have a routine to function . It was always about how lazy I was or how I wouldn't get up and do what I was sappose to do . I was so obsessed over those things' becuase I was afraid . Mostly becuase my girlfriend was constantly yelling about me not getting a job of course , yet it never occured to me that I should stop thinking about it and just do it . Send the body and the mind will soon follow .
  Becuase of self-will , I've build alot of self-doubt within myself . I always' had that lurking feeling within of being less than . Earlier I spoke about that and now I will try to explain a little more about it . Self-will cuased most of my problems' . I had low self-esteem , yet I had to show that I was important , so I became an ego-maniac as well . I would rebel and try to show poeple how smart I was , or constantly bragg about the things' I did right , so that I could impress the poeple around me . I set myself up with expectations' that I really knew that I could never meet , yet I played it off  as if I could . I never met those expectations' and eventually my plans fell through . I obsessed to the point of insanity . Self-will wasn't even in my vocabulary back then , so I really did these things' out of ignorance . What I thought was true , really wasn't and I had no real desire to hear the truth either . Becuase of my failed plans' and expectations' , I eventually procrastinated and grow lazy . I couldn't do the vary things' that I obsessed over . I was powerless over the desire to take the first drink , sure , yet I had also became powerless over my character defects' as well . I felt as though life was too much , so why try . I wallowed in my own mess and I enjoyed it .
  When I was a teen-ager , I would steal my alcohol to get drunk . I was a theif and still thought that was okay , becuase I never stole from my friends' . It didn't seem to count to me . I eventually became more addicted to stealing the alcohol than drinking it . Everyone liked me , becuase I took all the chances' . When I finally figured that out , I grew sour and decided to come up with another game plan . I was the smart one you see , instead of supplying others' , thay would supply me . I eventually became the guy who bought booze for minors' , sold dope for my own habbit , and lived off of poeple that I could manipulate into believing my lies' . All along thinking I was smart mind you , yet in the end it turned into my demise . I became a twenty nine year old man who couldn't think , act or feel like a normal person his own age . I was dependant on others' financially and emotionally . I hurt poeple out of self preservation , which eventually cuased jealousy within me . I would talk bad about poeple who I felt was getting a little to close to the others' who were taking care of my needs' . I felt that thay would eventually turn my protectors' agianst me . In the end though , I was the one who cuased them to abandone me . Suspision , Jealousy , fear , insecurity , Laziness and procrastination . That was the majority of my life in a nut shell .
  I would have resentments' after I lost my friends' , becuase I felt that thay abandoned me , yet I didn't realise that I pushed them away . I was ruining my life , and I wouldn't listen to those who cared enough to tell me . Instead , I would avoid them and run with the crowds' that did what I did , and agreed with what believed . I ran with fare-weathered friends' who eventually vanished after I sobered up . If you haven't seen you since I've been sober , your who I am talking about . That's all that needs to be said , and there is no regrets' in me about saying it . No love loss here either , you served your purpose just like I served mine , and I wish you all the best . I have just moved onto better things' is all . The weird part of the whole experience though , is the fact that the poeple that I resented the most , have been there for me the most in my recovery . We haven't necissarily seen eye to eye , yet we still care for one another . I have made some ammends' to some of them , but there is still more to make . I have since learned too , not to borrow money , so as to not cuase any further resentments' . Also , old relationships' are old for a reason , don't try to reconnect with an ex-girlfriend of the past becuase I will always look for those old flaws' that I noticed befor . My fixed obsessions' over old relationships' , resentments' and fear have cuased allot of dependancy problems' in my life . When times' are getting hard , I always have a tendancy to want to speak to my old girlfriend about them , becuase she was always my safety net befor . I am getting better at not using her in that way though , and now I depend on prayer more . The serenity prayer is one of the prayers' I use . I say it during hard times' , befor job interviews' and when I become overwhelmed and full of fear . As time go's by I learn more and more to resolve my problems' thrue God instead of others' . I put my relationship with God about everything , include my twelve step program , and there is no shame in that either .
  Through-out my life , I have shown nothing but an obsessive compulsive desire to rebelle , which in time cuased me to isolate from the poeple in my life . I withdrew from my family and then from friends' , until finally my protectors' abandoned me . Thay were actually blessings' in my life too , becuase without them I may have been dead today . Thay did for me what I could not do for myself , yet today that isn't the same . Now God dose for me what I cann't do for myself . Rebellion is a corroding , hazardous by-product of self-will which will destroy the lives' of any person who allows it . It breads resentment and anger , and thrue that all bad things occure . Most of my resentments' are cuased by lack of responsibility , and I know that I have mentioned that word a few times' befor , but it is only to press upon you the importance of the word . When I am responsible , I look at where I played the part in every situation . When I do that I look at me , and when I look at myself , I can no longer blame others' becuase I see my own fualts' . That is the whole principal in self-evaluation . When I become more selfless , I become less Selfish . The Twelve steps' gave me the greatest gift of all . It allowed me to become more open to others' and their needs' , instead of my own . I have become more able to communicate and use my own experiences' to be of service . I have met actual friends' who do care , and offer suggestions' and help without reward . I am no longer alone in this world and I now know the true meaning of the word friend .
  Being delusional to me starts at the physical level , and finally ends up in the emotional and spiritual parts of our lives' . When I am delusional emotional and spiritually , I am usually full of fear , closed minded , Obstenant , full of ego and pride , not to mention that word resentment agian . Fear is the key though , and I do remember instances' where my fear cuased my mind to slam shut . I was homeless twice in active drinking and drugging , and that puts so much fear on a person , yet the greatest fear was when I realised I couldn't afford my alcohol while homeless . I can also remember stealing from my girlfriend's purse for alcohol , while pacing the front room floor late at night . The urge was on me and I didn't even know what it ment . It never occured to me what was happening at that moment , it felt natural . Even while walking to the liqour store , I would use my girlfriend as an excuse for my actions' . If she didn't make me mad , or that so and so , (substitute for a cuss word) , she made me do it . I wouldn't ever look at myself that whole time to see what it was that I was doing . It was as if I felt that I deserved her money , and that it was o.k. to take it . I was justifying my own actions' . I don't really know if I had pride during that time though , I was trying my controled drinking for her , while pissing and puking myself when I did get drunk . I do know that I was delusional though , and I do recall the obsesion and the craving for drinking now . Those nights' of sitting on my patio stairing at my trialor , becuase I didn't stop to get alcohol . Times' when I would pace the trailor wanting alcohol and walking in twenty degree wheather for about a half mile to get it . My face freezing and eyes' watering , yet there I was . Everyone said that I needed treatment too , yet pride would keep me delusional agian . I was just not going to treatment ! That cuased about three years' of controled drinking and hell . I went to detox at the Misouri Salvation Army , ( MOSAS ) , in kansas city , yet still wouldn't go to treatment . I was obstenant even while in tears' , as I walked to the detox center just down the street .
  The insanity is so allusive that its also convicing , so much that taking the first drink is going to make since if I relapse . It will come like a thief in the night without warning for me , becuase I can remember the pain and the suffering that I went thrue to quit . That is the insanity though . Once I forget the pain , I will not remember to stay sober . My mind will convince me that it is o.k. to drink . That is becuase deep down in my subconscience somewhere , a part of self still likes to drink . Not only dose it like it , it is doing push ups as I write , waiting for the chance to drink . I can remember early recovery and learning about these things' . I remember how afraid of drinking it made me , and how out of fear , I would do what ever it took to stay sober . That too was insanity to me . I would wake up and sleep at night , and during the day try to do the same things' over and over . Full of fear and afraid of drinking , I was terrified of changes' or making decisions' . When I was drinking , I was never afraid of consequences' , yet now I was stuck becuase of the fear of the unknown . The consequences' of what may be .
  When I first became serious with recovery , I wanted life to go a completely differant than what it did . Instead , life went in a whole differant direction entirely . What I thought God would give me and what would happen never occured . I ended up in Southern Illinois with my family instead of getting the girlfriend back . I then traveled back to get the girlfriend and found that to be impossible . That cuased me allot of hate concerning God , and while I was there I was obstenant agian twords' the program and would not read the material or go to meeting . Instead I went to church and I found myself turning into a person that I couldn't stand agian . That lasted for about two months' , then the bars' looked closer than what thay use to while going to meetings' so I went back half hearted .
  I've spend allot of time not talking to God , arguing , cussing and fighting God tooth and nail . There have been times' when I wanted to burn the twelve step book that I still have , and the Bible as well . The weird part about it is that God didn't mind , he knew that I was pretty ignorant and just couldn't understand what was happening . When I finally caved in he was always there to pick me up too , without any reservation at all . Come to find out , God only wanted a relationship with me and that was all , nothing more . He dosn't care if I am mad at him or in love with him , just don't shut him out of my life . He knows what I need , I'm the one who dosn't have a clue . I was so delusional when I first turned my life over to God , I can even remember the day and exact time . I had just returned from Los Angelos and was agian homeless in Kansas City , sleeping in a park just north of Westport .
  I was drinking Vodka , sitting on my sleeping bag and crying under a hanging bush that hid me from view . I had just got out of detox and there I was , drinking agian . I sat crying and talking to God . I said , " God I don't really believe that you exist , and I really need proof that you exist . Let me get a sign . " I sat there with my eyes' closed and nothing happened . I listened as the trees' wrestled in the wind , and the sun was shining in my face , yet nothing out of the ordinary occured . I then got up and panhandled for money at the Valentine grocerie store , until a gay man cuaght me using his money to buy beer . God bless that man , he drove me arround in his convertable all evening to get me into detox , yet nobody would take me . I was constantly thinking of ways' to get out of it . I finally told him that my mom lived in the old neighborhood where I use to live and had him drop me off at my old friend Gary's house . I slep on the back porch of a maintanace trailor , in one of the worse trailor parks' in Kansas City .
  For a couple of days' I hung out arround the trailor park , and I finally began to pan-handle for booze . That was when I was arrested for two bench warrants' and urinating behind a seven-elevan . I served ten days' in jail and learned the Bible while I was there . I got a little , " God Crazy " , you can call it , and I took my Bible to the homeless shelters' . I stayed sober for about a week , until the urge came upon me agian , still ignorant mind you and not knowing anything about it . I just jumped on a city bus and to my buddy Gary's house I went . I had a few occasional thoughts' of not drinking , yet it made more since to drink than not to drink . I went over for the week-end and found myself in a religious debate with the neighbor Jaimy about Jesus . There I sat with a Bible in one hand and a bottle in the other , and Jaimy finally asked , " If you love Jesus so much , why do you have that ! " , and he pointed at my bottle of Colt Fourty-Five . I quickly answered , " I'm not letting alcohol come between me and God " ! I didn't have any clue to the consequences' of my actions' just then .
  I had become emotionally bankrupt and at my bottom . Most poeple in recovery say that guilt shame and remorse is the key factor to hitting bottom , yet I don't think that always applies' . Not for me at least . I hit bottom and didn't ever think that it was my bottom , the last time . I know that I had hit bottoms' befor that , yet not at the time , I knew life pretty much sucked . I had to learn all of these things' in treatment , becuase I didn't know the language . While in Rome do what the Romans do , and when in recovery learn what the recovery program learns' . Talk the language too . I remember the peaking out of windows' afraid that someone was going to kick the door in , when I didn't even do anything wrong . I can remember sitting in fear or pacing the floor for hours' becuase my girlfriend was leaving me agian . I can remember the overwhelming fear at the Santa Monica Peir when the money was gone . The fear was so intense though , it became the norm and I had to live , yet I also wanted to die . I learned to survive , instead of overcoming my problem which had now became booze .
  My selfishness is what would keep me down in the gutters' where I ended up . I didn't think of anyone but myself and I put myself into humiliating situations' to get the bottle any way that I could . I'm really trying to not go off into a babbling tangent right now , but it may happen . I do that sometimes' when it concerns this subject . I'm the type of person who would sleep in the streets' , pick cigarette butts' out of public ash trays' and pan-handle for booze , yet think I was too good to sleep next to others' in my underwear . I remember the homeless shelters' well . I had to go in and undress , stand in a line of nakid men with my clothes' in my hand . When I got to the shower , I was given a sack by the manager , for my clothes' and I then had to shower with six other guys' . Finally I could go to bed , only in underwear though , and when I woke up the bed had to be tight roll made . The toilets' in the shelters' didn't have stalls' . Thay were all expose to the public once you entered the bathroom . The toilet seats' were taken off too , so there you are trying to balance and everyone watching you . It's a magic trick let me tell you .
  Those kind of things' cuase a bit of feelings' , mostly intense feelings' of hopelessness . I know that it started for me when I first got to Los Angelos , and I saw skid row and experienced their homeless shelters' . It tore me up and cuased scares' that I think will never truely heal . There is still a part of me on those streets' and I don't know what will happen to me it seems' . Even though being homeless is a scary thing it gave me a certain feeling of excitement and made me feel , in a sick way , free . Today , when I hear poeple tell others that doing the right thing is truely the softer easier way , I get a little upset . It's not the case for me , it's the hardest thing I have ever had to do . Thay treat life like it was an interview and if you make a proper resume everything is fine and easy street all the way . I struggle with those thoughts' today , and thay cuase me alot of grief . I can remember pan-handling at grocery stores' and getting exactly what I wanted , my clothes washed , food , cigarette tabacco , alcohol and a nickel sack of marajuanah every day . I would skip on the Church Of God if I found some food while pan-handling , but if not I would sit in a pew for an hour listening to the preacher for food . Just don't fall asleep and don't get biligerant . If someone took my clothes , I would quickly go dumpster hopping for clothes' get money agian , wash the clothes' I found and still get alcohol . Me and Richard would travel the alleyways' toghether , sleep in the same spots' , and pan-handle toghether . He was my teacher , and I was his student . I would wake up in the morning always thanking God , yet I had no desire to stay sober . I was thankful for another day though , and things did get easier with him and shorty arround . Shorty was homeless too , but he couldn't pull himself to pan-handle , so he leached on me like I did Richard . He told me he had a cocain problem once and I told him not to use while he hung out with me . I was so terrified of using drugs' on the street , isn't that insane . I would drink until I blacked out , yet I wouldn't use drugs' , but that was the way I thought back then .
  Once shorty came up to me and started talking to me after he got high on cocain . He tryed to play it off as though , he didn't do it , yet I could tell becuase he was black and his lips' had white all over them . I did pretty good about not saying anything about it , a few hours' at least , until finally someone told him he had something on his lips' . He felt so bad about it , I just luaghed and said , " So your not doing what " ? He was a good friend and so was Richard , thay too were there in a dark part of my past and thay saved my life . I still have the Bible Richard gave me . It was a small green pocket size bible with only the Book Of Psalms and The New Testament in it .
  My ex-girlfriend finally gave me my second bus ticket , ( I lost the first one ) , and I was off on a greyhound bus . Richard and Shorty walked me to the bus station to make sure I made it . Thay actually did care about me and I truely believe that , I pray that God takes care of them and watches over them . That he protects' them from the dangers' that life brings and binds' them from their addictions' . I love them like brothers' yet I also know that its thy will be done not mine . So be it , amen .
  Forgetting the Pain and suffering of the first drink has pretty much been reinforced into my conscience these days' . Them memories' beat me back into submission if I get out of hand . Few poeple out-side of the program truely understand what is really happening in recovery . The fact is , I enjoyed alcohol and in reality , I even loved it . Alcohol and drugs though , turned on me and became my enemy . At one time , ( Like my protectors' ) , it did for me what I couldn't do for myself . As time went on though , it became a problem instead of the sollution to my problem like it was befor . Alcohol and drugs' were my mistress , and then I became its slave . The addiction and self started in its relationship with self being stronger than the addiction , yet the addiction grew , and became stronger while self got smaller and became weak . Finally the addiction took control and all along developed a wall of denial arround it as well as self . With that wall of denial around the two , outside forces' cannot get in to bring self back into reality . Denial is set , and the addiction is in control .
  Suddenly a moment of clarity occures though , a chink in the wall of denial . The wall has a whole and outside influences' introduce the moment of clarity . That is when the addict is most likely able to get help , but until then not much hope is there for him . A chink in Denial usually happens when you have a tramatic experience , ( mostly termed in rocovery as a spiritual experience ) , and it usually occures when an addict has hit bottom .
  There is a downfall though , and I have seen this in recovery alot . Once the chink in the wall is made , the addiction acts quick . Addiction quickly pulls the tools out and begins to repair the chink in the wall of denial that is sending in the clarity which it definately dose not want . This is when we forget the pain and the suffering of the first drink . The wall of denial can be repaired as time go's by if the suggestion is not profound and concrete to convince self that it needs help . Addiction is a vampire drawing its striength from self and self is weak , what other choice do you have . Surrender .
  Do not believe that clean time is important in any way . It isn't , the recovery programs' will tell you it is a one day at a time program . That is so true , and there is reason why . When I can think only of what I must do today , while remembering that I do have things' to do later , yet focusing on today alone , I am living one day at a time . Write my schedule out and leave it there on paper . Don't plan it until the day comes' , and do not worry about bills' until it is in the mail . When the paycheck comes don't plan how your going to spend it , just put it in the bank or pay the immediate bills that need to be at the time .
  Set Goals , a budget , learn about credit and writing resumes' . Find out about interviews' and what you should say in them , as well as , getting your G.E.D. if your a drop out . If your not , Go to colledge . If you cann't afford colledge make it an intermediate Goal and don't think about it until your short term goals' are met . If your short term goals go according to your intermediate goals' , you will eventually be in colledge . This too , is providence , which has two definitions' . What I do today , affects tomorrow .
  I had to learn these things' one day at a time and I slowly got it , only by staying focused on one day at a time thing though . Don't feel as though sobriety is important becuase you have years' and decades' though . We all still suffer , yet we all still come up with solutions' for that suffering too and sorry to say drinking can easily become a solution for us all .
  I know of a man who had twenty years' of sobriety who went back out after a heart attache . We would catch him hiding alcohol in the bathroom of the club that I attended for meetings' . He is still struggling for a year , even after having more than twenty years' clean . That to me is profound . I knew a women who also had about fifteen years' and she had mental problems' too . She suffered alot , physically and mentally becuase of another disease which I will not mention . Out of respect for her I wish not to . Anyhow , she disappeared and I haven't heard about her since I returned to this town . I know a crack whore that I helped out with the steps' and walked home to the womens' shelter for battered women almost every night . I saw her recently , she had just gotten out of jail and had served time two times' befor for prostitution charges' . I didn't see her in the meeting though , she was waiting outside looking for a ride somewhere . I drove her to an apartment and droped her off . Befor that , she had a heart-attack becuase of an over dose , after getting out of the hospital I saw her in the hall way agian and she told me about it . That was befor introducing me to her , " boyfriend " , who eventually turned out to be her pimp . I know another guy who I use to allow sleep in my hurse when I had it , he was always homeless and getting drunk and high . He would always come in and out of the rooms' . Once when he was honest enough to admitt it , he told me he sold himself sexually to get drug money on the streets' . It's an insane world out there .
  In working the twelve steps' , I have been given the greatest gift of all . Coping skills' . I can now have a little bit of patience and tolerance , gain striength , and build courage . I have slowly developed the ability thrue prayer to work thrue problems' and think of solutions' by working the steps' in my head . Thay are like a math problem now , one plus one equals two .
  I remember this one guy at another twelve step recovery club I went to who sat in a room that we called the " Half Measures' Room " . In one of our readings' , called how it works , which is also in one of the books' , it says , " Half measures' avail us nothing " . Well anyhow , this guy was in the half measures' room and he had just gotten out of prison , his wife had just left him and took the kids' . He was stressed out bad and couldn't cope with what was happening I guess . He snapped . See , he went to prison the first time becuase of armed robbery , and that was all he knew . Guess what he did , without talking to anyone he stood up , walked out of the club and went down the street . He robbed the local store and walked a block down . Instead of running he sat down and waited for the police to come . He figured , the hell with it and went back to prison , where he felt he blonged .  I once chaired a meeting while a girl tryed to overdose during the meeting . She dropped her head on the table and her lips' turned blue . Nobody even notice for about ten minutes' and her boyfriend sat next to her not saying a word . A friend walked by and noticed so the group picked her chair up and walked it outside for the ambulance , with her in it . I had to finish the meeting , even though that was going on . I see her in meetings' all the time today .
  In the same club where the girl tryed to commit suicide , I also knew a man and his girlfriend . Thay would bring the girlfriends' little girl in to play a good family game of pool toghether . Thay came in , yet thay never associated with anyone and thay left when thay were finished . One day we all sat arround in the club and in came someone with a newspaper . Apparently , the boyfriend frieked out and killed the girlfriend and her duaghter , then turned the gun on himself and killed himself . Things' happen in recovery though , that poeple don't hear about ever . I usually know about crimes' being committed a day befor it hits' the news , just from word of mouth .
  That snapping point is the most amazing thing that I can just not figure out and have chosen to not try figuring out . It is just too hard and way too complicated for a small old alcoholic to figure out . It happens becuase it happens . Tired of being sick and tired has always worked for me , and I believe it can work for alot more poeple than just me . It's like a rubber band that gets tighter and tighter until it finally snapps . When the pain gets great enough we can eventually ask for help or simply just die , it really dosn't matter . I'm not that important today , and the truth is , Alcoholics are more of a burden on society than a contribution . Society is better off without us , its our choice though if we want to fight the good fight , or lay down .  
  The messed up part of the whole deal isn't staying sober though , the bad part is the forgetting . We have a tendancy of forgetting the pain and suffering of the first drink . Some poeple talk about instances' where thay just go into a black out without taking a drink , and end up drunk . I cann't say if that is true or not , it has never happened to me . I have always been conscious of my decision to take that drink , and I did it of my own accord . Not one time was I forced to do anything in my life , the monkey may have been on my back at times' , but I choose to take the drink . Relapse is planned way befor the first drink even occures , and I know that today . I don't know if those experiences' of blacking out while sober are true , becuase I haven't been thrue the experience myself . Trust me too , I have met alot of Alcoholics' too , who were further into the stages' of alcoholism . So thay may be true to some extent , yet I don't know at this time .
  What dosn't kill you makes you stronger , we learn from our experiences' , good and bad . I have learned more from my mistakes' than from the good I have ever done in my life . It has made me a little more stronger when I overcame each problem that arised from that mistake . I slowly found solutions' to my problems' thrue experience . This is how I usually learn in recovery . I have developed a better ability of thinking intuitively instead of planning the outcome to each situation that I face . I live one day at a time , and I keep it simple , I also try to live life on life's terms not mine . By living this way , I can honestly tell you that the insanity has gone away . Slowly but surely . Just last night a neighbor asked me if those meetings' drove me crazy , becuase when he had to go , all he thought about was getting drunk . I told him no , those feelings' just vanished for me a long time ago , which is the truth . I have not had the urge to drink for some time , and hopefully it will never return .
  My obsession to drink went to my obsession to think , which is good to an extent , yet bad as well . I went from obsessing on my front deck over alcohol , to obsessing on self knowledge in recovery . It was explained to me that the brain was a muscle , and while drinking that muscle became tence . It had to think extra hard to do the basic things' in life . When I sobered up that muscle , (brain) , was still tence . It took time for it to relax and become the normal . I can remember my brain being like a spounge , when I first sobered up , I wanted to learn everything . I could hear just a word and it was like an explosion went off in my brain . I would look up the definitions' to words' and underline sentences' that inspired me or I could relate to . I would write them toghether and use them as references' to figure out what was going on in my head . The obsession to think had become my God , and like my drinking habbits' , I was never aware of what was taking place .
  I have now learned about keeping it simple , I am an alcoholic and that is it . I would do all that research , trying to explain why I was who I was . The fact is , I am an alcoholic and that is it , no explanation . I can make my bed every day , pray in the morning and at night , do everything the way it was suggested to me in my recovery , and still end up getting drunk . There are no guarantees' in this world and we must all pay our way .
  My character defects' , (sin) , dosen't make me an alcoholic either . I have these character defects' just like the rest of the world . We all suffer from them , maybe we take it alot farther though , yet that is not why I am alcoholic . I am an alcoholic becuase of the phoenominah of craving alone . Not only that , there is no explanation for my alcoholism . No doctor , no person in my meetings' and no person on the face of this Earth , has a true definition for what makes me an alcoholic . You are alcoholic , when you say you are and that is it .
  Self knowledge isn't the worse thing in the world , it actually dose help in recovery to some extent , yet it won't keep us sober . In the end it is something that we must finally be rid of becuase the alcoholics' real problems' concern our intelect and our inabilty to conform to traditional ideas' , like principals and tradition . Even though I know this now , I also know that I had to go thrue what I went thrue to get where I am now . I had to obsesse on self knowledge , go thrue alot of unnecisarry pain and get one head-ache after the other , so that I could finally learn how to relax , trust in God and let him be the director for a change . Today my life isn't an obsession or pre-occupation , it's a constant destraction . Destractions' are the spice of my life and thay bring me joy , as long as I can still stay focused on the task at hand . I must remember that repition is the cuase for insanity , yet it can also be the cuase for recovery as well . Instead of building character defects' , I am now building character . I am replacing old habbits' with new ones' , bad habbits' with good ones' , and life today has changed from what it use to be . I have learned to stay open to new idea's and changes that occure in my life as well , adapting instead of controling .
  In the meetings' , one of the readings' at the beginning says that our program is only a program of suggestions' . Let me tell you now from what I have learned that suggestions' do not work . The only suggestion that will work is the one that is profound . Some in the program should not be sponsors' becuase of this fact , becuase thay are incapable of planting profound suggestions' into the mind of a suffering alcoholic . It starts with communication , and with communication , confidence . To earn a person's confidence is crucile in sobering that indivual up , without that the steps' cannot work . Phone calls' seem to help as well . Some enjoy the fact that thay must be accountable to another person , yet others' have stayed sober without the phone call rule as well . Home Groups' and regular meeting are as important too , yet that is the same as phone calls' . Not everyone had to do that to stay sober . I had the priveledge of spending considerable time in three differant states' during my recovery and I was able to see alot of differant fellowship techniques' used in sponsorship . Some insist that the sponsee go to the same meetings' that the sponsor goes to . Others want the sponsee to go to diferant ones . Some towns' only have one meeting a week , while you can hit three meetings' in the day in a well sized city or big town .
  The point is that you must teach the sponsee the hopelessness of his or her nature , and the show them the solution . The insanity can be cured by using simple tools . Instead of close minded ways of thinking we learn to become open minded . We place our dependance upon the God of our understanding instead of upon ourself or others' and we then clean house . We become teachable in order to evaluate ourselves' moraly . We look at you Resentments' , Pride , Fear , and Sex conduct . From that we find out what our character defects' are , until finally we ask poeple we have harmed for forgiveness becuase of the exact defects' that we have learned . Its an inventory of ourself and we do this to dispose of unsalvagable goods' so that we can be productive members' of society for God and our fellow man . We continue to take inventory for the rest of our lives' on a day to day basis , while we pray and meditate for a better understanding of Gods' Will for us . After that we take what we have learned , out into the meeting and outside of the program , where we practice it in our daily affairs' .
  Prayer has its advantages' too , in the third step prayer , I offer myself to God to do with me and build me as he will . I ask him to take away every defectpdificulty which stands in the way of my usefulness to him and my fellows' . I ask that he takes them away that others' may bare witness to his power , love and way of life . Then I say his will not mine be done . In my Fourth Step I ask God to take away my anger for other individuals and I acknowledge that thay too are sick . I ask Him how I can be of service to that person or those people . I ask him to save me from being angry . When I am afraid , I ask him to take that fear away in fear , and direct my attentions' to what it is he would have me be . I meditate on my sex problems asking god in prayer to mold my sex life , to better suit what he would wish it be for me . I then learned the Seventh Step Prayer , which tuaght me even more , I gave God both the good and the bad . I acknowledge that he is my creator , and I ask that he takes every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to him and my fellows agian . Usually I say Thy will not mine be done at the end of that too , yet its not actually a part of the prayer . In the Eighth Step , I learned to ask for the willingness to be willing . I was also tuaght in Nineth Step to pray for Tolerance , Patience , Kindliness and Love . In Step Ten I have pretty much a meditation at the beginning of the day and at the end of the night , which keeps my behaiviors' in check on a day to day basis . Now I am sappose to learn the prayer of Saint Francis of Assis , which is going to fun . I read it a few times' , yet I never tryed to memorise it , it looks like a challenge .
  I took all these simple suggestions' and few more , which in the end seemed the most profound of everything else . The prayers' and little things' like getting a G.E.D. , learning about interviews' and writing resumes' . I learned how to eventually Drive a Semi Truck , set goals' and live on a budget . I now have three bank accounts' one savings and two checking . The savings and one of the checking accounts' are in a credit union . One Checking account is in another state in a regular bank . I have had two vehicles' , where befor I was terified of driving . I love it and life has become a mystery to me . I haven't a clue about what tomorrow will bring , and I am learning more every day . All becuase of suggestions' given to me which seemed simple yet were so profound it was imposible to believe . I was always confused about one thing for the longest time too , which I later learned about in recovery , and I feel that I should shed some light on . I hear poeple in meetings' diferitiating between a sponsor and a spiritual advisor . Too me and many others' thay are one and the same . Don't complicate things' which are so simple , is the general theme . Take what you want and leave the rest . Keep it simple , yet understand the program of recovery is a simple program for complicated poeple too . Our obsession for drinking is almost always replaced with the obsession for thinking and this is a process we all , mostly , go thrue . Just do it one day at a time and everythig will be alright .

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