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Recovery (Chapter One)
NonFiction
 Created on 9-29-07
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 Story Rating G
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Chapter One (Recovery)
A Little More About Me
I can remember that we did quit a bit of traveling in my childhood . My father was a dairymen and was always looking for better paying jobs'.I have faded memories' of Wescounsin though , just a few . I was only in Wescounsin for the first four years' of my life . I can remember a small farm that we lived on , a wreck involving a big military tow truck used for semis' and burning down the barn on the small farm . We lived on the small farm next to the pastors and barn . We use to have to chase the cattle back into the gates and I found a dead animal under the house once . My siblings and I use to make vehicles' out of card board boxes , and drag each other in the dirt , we enjoyed the dust flying every where .
I can also remember one visit from Wescounsin to Illinois . In my memories , I can see a gloomy day . It must have been ready to snow outside . I know that we were in a station wagon , becuase I wanted my hot wheel off of the roof of the car . Then agian , with my family ,you can never tell . We usually put matresses up on the top of regular cars and tied them down . That was back when you could get away with it though . The first time I met my Uncle Bill it scared the heck out of me . Didn't know why , but he did . Now I do though , he has so far served two terms in prison . One concerning child malestation , with his kids' . When I first seen him , he was just getting out of the military and I remember him having his uniform on . He picked me up too quick and started hugging me . I screamed real loud . He was dishonorably discharged and I never really did hear what the real story was .
When we finally left Wescounsin and moved down to Illinois , it was the begininig of our travels' . Mine at least . we constantly traveled from Florida to Illinois ,to allot of dairys' too . My dad loved the dairy farms it seemed . Not only did we live in allot of States , we lived on allot of Dairy Farms . Mostly in Florida though . I can remember the flat bed truck that always broke down , everytime we left Illinios . We would get out of the town my grandparents lived in , and as soon as we did , the truck would screw up . Once the hubb cuaght on fire and the tire slide off . I still recall the tire runnig down the street beside us . My parents' would try hard to make it in Florida , yet everytime , back to Illinois we went . Eventually I can recall my mom suffering from depression so bad , she would take sleeping pills to sleep all day . My family had to stay at my grandparents house . It bugged my mom becuase she was malested by my Grandfather as a little girl . She still talks about it , and its hard for her to let go of , even though he's dead .
My grandparents house wasn't that good either . Thay still had a wood burner , and no plumbing . Thay used a bucket as a toilet and buried the remains in the back yard , until a sewer was put in the allie out back . Then thay dumped the buckets , in there . Thay used a kids swimming pool and boiled water to give us baths' , and a water hose from the back yard was ran into the kitchen window to supply water to the house . My Grandparents were pack rats too , thay would hoard stuff all arround the house and have things out in the yard getting old . My Grandfather had about five or six pop corn poppers from the fourties' in the back yard . My uncle Elmer and all of us kids' eventually got toghether and scraped them out for mettle . Aluminum up the ying yang .
My Grandfather also had allot of kitchen utilities too . The type you would find in resturaunts' . He would make his own blocks of ice , and everyone used ice picks to cut the ice up . I can remember him trying to sell Soda , and Ice Cream . He always filled the frontroom from top to bottom with six packs and twelve Pack of Bottled soda . Everyone in the neighborhood would come over to buy soda from him . He even ran a tab . After a while he stopped doing that , so he tryed his hand on ice cream , yet us grandkids' would always steel his supply . He would get so mad . His legs' eventually were amputated , becuase of Gangreen . Thay had to cut off his testicles in the end and he was pronounced hopeless , becuase it eventually entered his blood stream . My Grandparents both died toghether on the same day . A house fire .
I can remembr allot about the time that we lived in Florida . Its pretty amazing . My dad and his friend Bones' . Bones had two boys' and a girl . I lost my virginity to the girl at eleven . Her name was Mallisa . His sons' names were Kraig and Graig , thay were twins . I thought the world of them . I thought thay felt the same way , until I later found out , thay malested my baby sister . I didn't know that either , until much later , when I was seventeen . We would always get in the car and go to Bones and Mary's house . I would say that was the first accounts I have of actually , "Partying" . We would drink all the time , I smoked pot with them , and had sex with their sister . It was weird becuase Kraig and Graig sometimes set it up for me . At some point thay dissappeared from our life .
What I mostly remember about Florida , is that I really never fit in with other kids' . I loved to play the victim , everyone picked on me and I couldn't except that . I wanted aproval , and don't get me wrong , poeple picking on someone isn't good , wanting approval isn't necissarily good either . I would play the part though , I was the actor , and I did what I thought I had to , so that I could get attention . I can remember acting dumb and tell the other kids' that I was stupid , so that thay would give me some attention . I went to school in Lake Placid , for part of the fifth grade and I was constantly getting beat up . I can remember hiding out , in between classes and during breaks so that I wouldn't get bullied .
I would constantly go to the office , trying to get them to transfer out of the class I was in , and thay never would . I would also get into trouble and end up at the door of the deans office . I wasn't sappose to get swatts ,which , at the time were legal , yet I got them . I didn't want any hassle for what I was getting into at school . I can remember this time when I was in my aggriculture class , and I was holding one of the garde ho's with the sharp edge up . A class mate who didn't like me came charging at me with a wheel barrel , hitting the garden ho , cuasing it to cut my eyebrow real bad . The school send me to the infermary . Thay put a bandadge on it and made me go to class . I guess thay figured that I should go home , and then my parents could take care of the problem .
During that time period , I didn't understand that some poeple are going to like me , and some aren't . I was constantly wanting attention from poeple who didn't like me . It was as though , I felt , everyone should like me . These problems' that I have today was there even back then . I also had problems with resentment , I use to amagine getting even with the other kids and what I would do to them . It was a constant thought , always in my head . I really cann't tell you when all of these problems' started either . I can tell you it started arround the third grade , and some time after moving to Florida .
When I hung out with Kraig and Graig , we would all stay up all night and watch Hot Television . That was when M.T.V. , first became a hit , and Friday night was full of video television . We would stay up all night , sometimes we would drink beer , sometimes we would do little things like catch frogs and throw them as high as we could into the air to watch them smack agianst the street. In the daytime we would walk down creek beds and pretend that we were discovering new lands . We would swim in a semi docking bay full of water just across the street from their house . I did start shoplifting too , back then , I did it for tapes and cigarettes . I started smoking even then . I can also recall a day when we collected cans all morning for spare change , shoplifted some tapes and cigarettes , and went down to a riverbank to swimm . All in the same day . In Florida at that time , it was the thing , to hang out in all night luandromats at all hours of the night . We would do that too . Thats how I first learned how to robb soda machines . The old ones' that is . The newer ones' are allot harder to get into .
while I was growing up during this period , I can also tell you , my parents were partying hard and heavy . Allot of drinking and extra marital affairs . This cuased our family to become vary disfunction as time went on , and I eventually , later on in Arizona , stoped talking to my father all toghether . I would say a word to him for about six months' , and I never really got allong with him agian after that either . I can still remember the nights' that he would come home from parties' with all of us kids' in the back seat . I would sit in the middle stairing ahead out of the windsheild , watching traffic . There was a few close calls , yet he never got into an accident . His friend Bones' though , had his two boys , Machelle , and all of us in his flat bed truck one night , with all of the boys in the back . He decided to get off of the freeway at the last moment , so he cuts over to make the exit and misses . The next thing you know his drunk self , is doing doughnuts on the grass by the exit . Us boys' were in the back holding on to the rails with our life . We were so grateful for those wood railing on the side of that truck , that night . I was always terrified of getting into a vehicle with him driving it , since that night .
In the end we ended up living in Sebrings Florida , and met a couple named Eddy and Linda . Thay were sick of living in Florida , and decided that Arizona would be the best place to live , so thay suggested that we move to Arizona with them . My dad thought about it and decided we would all go toghether . His car ended up braking down the day befor we left , so what do you think he did , he went down and put a down payment on a used car . We never paid another payment on that car either . My dad had a way of doing things . He's the reason why Uhual is so hard on poeple about their vehicles' . He would rent a Uhual and tell them that it was for moving locally , get the truck , move half way across the country and dump the truck off late at night , in a Uhual station . He didn't want to pay the extra cash it seemed .
Befor Arizona though , we did live in Georgia though . I can remember some of that too . Growing up , I lived in allot of trailor courts' , and this memory that I have took place in one of them . We would race hot wheels arround the trailor court becuase it was set up like a race track . It had a paved circular road , that went arround the trailor court . Half of it went up on a hill and then the other half shot down , then it went back arround until it went up the hill agian . All the kids' in the trailor court , had a ball with that . We would all get toghether and race arround it . I can remember poping my hot wheel up on two wheels at times , taking the corners' . I know that the trailor court was arround Atlanta , yet I was too young , so I cann't be precise .
I can also remember trying to catch wild turkeys there too . In Florida we use to worry about wild bores coming out of the woods , and in Georgia , we would chase wild turkeys' . We never could catch any , we were too young , but it was fun anyhow . My family moved into the trailor that had someone who was just murdered in it . I heard about that and it didn't set right with me . Apperantly , it was a women , and her ex-boyfriend or ex-husband , had a problem with her leaving him . So , he took a gun , placed her head under the matress of the bed , and blow it off . I can still to this day , remember that story .
We would visit Lithiah Springs all the time , even after moving from Georgia to Florida , we would travel all the way back to go there . We would get up early pack all of the food and travel in the morning , getting there just as it was warm enough to swim. The first time I had ever gotten a fish hook stuck in me was at Stome Mountain . It stuck right in my belly . Scared the heck out of me . My family seemed to like Georgia , but my mom couldn't handle all of the clay . Clay was everywhere , and it was constantly being dragged in the house . Georgia is also were our family first gave my baby sister the nickname Little Mamma , and she grew into the name eventually . She still thinks she's everyones mother .
During the time in Georgia , I cann't remember any dairy farms , parties' or any time when I drink personally . I can remember allot of it in Florida , yet none in Georgia . My first memory of Georgia , was my dad worked for an auction and we lived in an apartment complex . The first time I ever went to Georgia , my dad emptied a truck full of house hold stuff and toys for us kids' . He said it was ours , yet I never remembered any of it . He had a bike for each of us and furniture for the apartment . I can also remember the time in the trailor park when I finally got the chicken pocks , the doctor told my mom that the best thing to do is let all of us kids' get it at the same time so that we could be done with it all at one time and thats what happened .
After living in Georgia and Florida a few times' though , my parents' decided it would be best to travel to Arizona . My dad had plans to make it to Bullhead , Arizona . It took a week and a half to get there , and it was one of the worse times' of my life . I told you already how my father had gotten the car . Now you get to find out why he never made anymore payments' on it . The car was fine until just arround Mississippi , then it started overheating constantly , so we had to pull over almost every half an hour . The muffler started dragging , so we had to use a close hanger to hold the muffler up , yet it was constantly falling back down on the ground . So there we were pulling over to cool the car down or putting the muffler back up with a close hanger . We had Ten poeple with us . Use , a family of six , Edd , Linda , their little baby and Linda's sister . I cann't remember the baby's name or her sisters name either . At the beginning of the trip we had to let all of our cats loose , becuase it was too over crowded to bring them with us . We still had our family dog Browny though .
We were tight on money , so instead of sleeping in hotels , we would sleep at rest areas' , in the car and on the tables . It didn't matter . I was able to see the border patrol bust allot of Illegal alliens though , in San Antonio . We traveled all the way to Arizona on Interstate ten . By the time we made it to Tucson though , the money was running out . We stopped at a park and litterly stayed there all day long , while Eddy and my dad tryed to find some kind of organisation that would give us money to help us on our trip . It didn't work though , so thay decided to finish the trip as far as we could go until we couldn't drive any more . By the way , I have never seen Bullhead , Arizona to this day . We made it to Coolidge , Arizona , and had to stay in a homeless shelter there for about a month , until we finally got a small apartment.
We lived in Cooladge for a few months' with Eddy , Linda and their baby as well as Linda's sister as roomates . That wasn't working out too well . My dad , while we were living in the shelter , got yet another job on a Dairy in Higley Arizona . It was about an hour away , and he had to travel back and forth to work , until a place became available on the Dairy . See , most dairys' have what we call a landlord system . Thay usually put trailors' and houses on their land to house their employees' . That was one of the big reasons' why my day liked working dairys' . No rent or electricity . Eventually , one of the trailors on the dairy became available . My dad's boss was named Tom Dugan , and he had some pretty decent places for his employees' , compared to some the houses and trailors' I've seen .
I've seen trailors put in the middle of cow pastures' , that are about a mile in distance from the nearest gate out . My family has lived in the middle of nowhere in houses made completely out of concrete . Once we lived on an old shack set up on leggs . Its pretty interesting when I think about it today . I cann't believe some of the things poeple can get away with these days' , its cheap living but there's a price you pay for cheap .
When we moved to Higley , I was finally starting to get worse . Smoking was already a habbit , and my siblings and I were stealing cigarettes' from my parents' by this time . Thay eventually began to hide them in their file cabonet , but we learned . I would pry the side of the file cabonet to pop the lock and get in . Most of the time thay never noticed that cigarettes were missing , thay always bought by the carton . I first smoked marajuana , with my friend Anthony . I thought at one time that I was thirteen , yet I may have been older . Once I started writing about it , I began to come my age with school , and noticed that I was probably older , arround fifteen maybe . We moved to Arizona when I was just about to turn thirteen . I can remember having my thirteenth birthday , just after moving onto Dugan's dairy .
Anthony , was my first actual , "rebel friend" . I first met him , and I wanted what he had , what ever that was . We started drinking toghether first , then I met his brother Tommy and that was when I started smoking pot . My brother and sister would drink with us too . My family eventually let a family move in with us for a while too , and their two duaghters' would party with us . We would ask one of the mexicans' to go down to the liquor store in Queen Creek Heights' for some booze . Thay would , so we always got drunk on the weekend . The Dugans' had their dairy set up pretty good , thay had small pins' for the cows with the ground concrete instead of earth . To the side of the Dairy thay then had cotton seed stacked on a concrette surface . Thay had hills' of cotton seed . All of us , would go to the cotton seed to drink and play . I remember getting drunk and sitting on a huge hill of cotton seed stairing down on the dairy farm .
One night , I was over at Anthonie's house and his dad was having friends' over . Thay were drinking Margarettas' made with grapefruit . Anthony was sneaking cups of it to me in his room , and that was when I finally met Tommy . Tommy reminded me of Jim Morrison , I swear . I idolised him . In my eyes' he was god . He smoked a joint with me that night , me and his brother , and it was the first time I had ever gotton stoned . I had smoked pot befor , but never enough to get completely blasted like I did that night . All that I know is , my ears popped and went low . I could barely hear and it felt like my eyes were going to pop out of my face . I layed back on the bunk bed and I staired up at Anthonie's posters' . He had two of them , one was an Elvis Costello poster and the other was Judis Priest . From that point on we always smoked pot with Tommy .
Eventually , we cuased too much trouble and my dad's boss had him move us off the dairy . Then my dad eventually quit , and we moved from the country . We moved to Mesa . That was the last time I had ever lived in the country too , I can still remember nights' in Higley , stairing at the lights in the distance . I wanted to be in the lights' so much . I eventually got to be in them , yet thay weren't what all that thay were cut out to be . From time to time I still wish that I had that innocence that I had back then , yet its gone .
The big differances' in my writing compared to when I was younger and now , has allot to do with the stories' that I just wrote about . For me to be able to fully tell what was going on , I've got to give a solid example of what I am talking about . For me , my past experiences' serve as the perfect example in many cases . Like I said befor , when I wrote befor , my poems' were pretty morbid . I was always playing the victim , not saying that I didn't come from a disfunctional family and things were great , but I used those things as excuses for behaiving the way I behaived . I would use my poetry for a way of venting my problems' , and that was a positive thing , yet it grew tired and I stopped . Now , when I write poems' , it seems harder . I don't feel as though I have as much emotion as what I use to do . I usually write poems' about things that I have learned in Recovery .
I would write allot of Fiction too , and my mind would fire with imagination . I was constantly in La La Land , never grounded . I think that had to do with my thinking though , I was constantly all about that . In Arizona , as a teen ager , I would steel alcohol , clothes from clothing stores' , Pop , shoes' , cigarettes and what ever I could get my hands' on . I became just as addicted to steeling the boose , as what I was to drinking it . I felt as though I was on top of the world . Overconfidance of youth , that is what I think of when I think of my teen age life . I would leave home for weeks at a time , never checking in . I can remember sleeping on rooftops and empty apartments' in complexes' . It was all becuase of that self delusional way of thinking . I would write about being poeple that I always wanted to become , yet never could . My life was a fiction .
Today , I haven't written any fictional stories' yet , but I hope to soon . I do miss the whole imagination thing . In recover though , I was tuaght to self evaluate myself though , and it became the whole me . I used my writing alot in recover . I wrote a huge journal and then disected it piece by peice .
The truth of the whole matter is , I over did it . I obsessed over my past , and I never did the steps' the way thay were sappose to be done . I did what one of my old sponsors' called mental masterbation . I learned that all I really need to do is follow directions' don't read into things' too much . I would overthink things way too much . I can see that alot too , with other poeple , becuase , I myself have that problem too . Life is simple , yet we complicate the heck out of it . I saw a wall painted , (on television) , with a saying that I still love . "Life is what happens while we are planning stuff" . That is so full of truth , in my opinion .
A Little More About Me
I can remember that we did quit a bit of traveling in my childhood . My father was a dairymen and was always looking for better paying jobs'.I have faded memories' of Wescounsin though , just a few . I was only in Wescounsin for the first four years' of my life . I can remember a small farm that we lived on , a wreck involving a big military tow truck used for semis' and burning down the barn on the small farm . We lived on the small farm next to the pastors and barn . We use to have to chase the cattle back into the gates and I found a dead animal under the house once . My siblings and I use to make vehicles' out of card board boxes , and drag each other in the dirt , we enjoyed the dust flying every where .
I can also remember one visit from Wescounsin to Illinois . In my memories , I can see a gloomy day . It must have been ready to snow outside . I know that we were in a station wagon , becuase I wanted my hot wheel off of the roof of the car . Then agian , with my family ,you can never tell . We usually put matresses up on the top of regular cars and tied them down . That was back when you could get away with it though . The first time I met my Uncle Bill it scared the heck out of me . Didn't know why , but he did . Now I do though , he has so far served two terms in prison . One concerning child malestation , with his kids' . When I first seen him , he was just getting out of the military and I remember him having his uniform on . He picked me up too quick and started hugging me . I screamed real loud . He was dishonorably discharged and I never really did hear what the real story was .
When we finally left Wescounsin and moved down to Illinois , it was the begininig of our travels' . Mine at least . we constantly traveled from Florida to Illinois ,to allot of dairys' too . My dad loved the dairy farms it seemed . Not only did we live in allot of States , we lived on allot of Dairy Farms . Mostly in Florida though . I can remember the flat bed truck that always broke down , everytime we left Illinios . We would get out of the town my grandparents lived in , and as soon as we did , the truck would screw up . Once the hubb cuaght on fire and the tire slide off . I still recall the tire runnig down the street beside us . My parents' would try hard to make it in Florida , yet everytime , back to Illinois we went . Eventually I can recall my mom suffering from depression so bad , she would take sleeping pills to sleep all day . My family had to stay at my grandparents house . It bugged my mom becuase she was malested by my Grandfather as a little girl . She still talks about it , and its hard for her to let go of , even though he's dead .
My grandparents house wasn't that good either . Thay still had a wood burner , and no plumbing . Thay used a bucket as a toilet and buried the remains in the back yard , until a sewer was put in the allie out back . Then thay dumped the buckets , in there . Thay used a kids swimming pool and boiled water to give us baths' , and a water hose from the back yard was ran into the kitchen window to supply water to the house . My Grandparents were pack rats too , thay would hoard stuff all arround the house and have things out in the yard getting old . My Grandfather had about five or six pop corn poppers from the fourties' in the back yard . My uncle Elmer and all of us kids' eventually got toghether and scraped them out for mettle . Aluminum up the ying yang .
My Grandfather also had allot of kitchen utilities too . The type you would find in resturaunts' . He would make his own blocks of ice , and everyone used ice picks to cut the ice up . I can remember him trying to sell Soda , and Ice Cream . He always filled the frontroom from top to bottom with six packs and twelve Pack of Bottled soda . Everyone in the neighborhood would come over to buy soda from him . He even ran a tab . After a while he stopped doing that , so he tryed his hand on ice cream , yet us grandkids' would always steel his supply . He would get so mad . His legs' eventually were amputated , becuase of Gangreen . Thay had to cut off his testicles in the end and he was pronounced hopeless , becuase it eventually entered his blood stream . My Grandparents both died toghether on the same day . A house fire .
I can remembr allot about the time that we lived in Florida . Its pretty amazing . My dad and his friend Bones' . Bones had two boys' and a girl . I lost my virginity to the girl at eleven . Her name was Mallisa . His sons' names were Kraig and Graig , thay were twins . I thought the world of them . I thought thay felt the same way , until I later found out , thay malested my baby sister . I didn't know that either , until much later , when I was seventeen . We would always get in the car and go to Bones and Mary's house . I would say that was the first accounts I have of actually , "Partying" . We would drink all the time , I smoked pot with them , and had sex with their sister . It was weird becuase Kraig and Graig sometimes set it up for me . At some point thay dissappeared from our life .
What I mostly remember about Florida , is that I really never fit in with other kids' . I loved to play the victim , everyone picked on me and I couldn't except that . I wanted aproval , and don't get me wrong , poeple picking on someone isn't good , wanting approval isn't necissarily good either . I would play the part though , I was the actor , and I did what I thought I had to , so that I could get attention . I can remember acting dumb and tell the other kids' that I was stupid , so that thay would give me some attention . I went to school in Lake Placid , for part of the fifth grade and I was constantly getting beat up . I can remember hiding out , in between classes and during breaks so that I wouldn't get bullied .
I would constantly go to the office , trying to get them to transfer out of the class I was in , and thay never would . I would also get into trouble and end up at the door of the deans office . I wasn't sappose to get swatts ,which , at the time were legal , yet I got them . I didn't want any hassle for what I was getting into at school . I can remember this time when I was in my aggriculture class , and I was holding one of the garde ho's with the sharp edge up . A class mate who didn't like me came charging at me with a wheel barrel , hitting the garden ho , cuasing it to cut my eyebrow real bad . The school send me to the infermary . Thay put a bandadge on it and made me go to class . I guess thay figured that I should go home , and then my parents could take care of the problem .
During that time period , I didn't understand that some poeple are going to like me , and some aren't . I was constantly wanting attention from poeple who didn't like me . It was as though , I felt , everyone should like me . These problems' that I have today was there even back then . I also had problems with resentment , I use to amagine getting even with the other kids and what I would do to them . It was a constant thought , always in my head . I really cann't tell you when all of these problems' started either . I can tell you it started arround the third grade , and some time after moving to Florida .
When I hung out with Kraig and Graig , we would all stay up all night and watch Hot Television . That was when M.T.V. , first became a hit , and Friday night was full of video television . We would stay up all night , sometimes we would drink beer , sometimes we would do little things like catch frogs and throw them as high as we could into the air to watch them smack agianst the street. In the daytime we would walk down creek beds and pretend that we were discovering new lands . We would swim in a semi docking bay full of water just across the street from their house . I did start shoplifting too , back then , I did it for tapes and cigarettes . I started smoking even then . I can also recall a day when we collected cans all morning for spare change , shoplifted some tapes and cigarettes , and went down to a riverbank to swimm . All in the same day . In Florida at that time , it was the thing , to hang out in all night luandromats at all hours of the night . We would do that too . Thats how I first learned how to robb soda machines . The old ones' that is . The newer ones' are allot harder to get into .
while I was growing up during this period , I can also tell you , my parents were partying hard and heavy . Allot of drinking and extra marital affairs . This cuased our family to become vary disfunction as time went on , and I eventually , later on in Arizona , stoped talking to my father all toghether . I would say a word to him for about six months' , and I never really got allong with him agian after that either . I can still remember the nights' that he would come home from parties' with all of us kids' in the back seat . I would sit in the middle stairing ahead out of the windsheild , watching traffic . There was a few close calls , yet he never got into an accident . His friend Bones' though , had his two boys , Machelle , and all of us in his flat bed truck one night , with all of the boys in the back . He decided to get off of the freeway at the last moment , so he cuts over to make the exit and misses . The next thing you know his drunk self , is doing doughnuts on the grass by the exit . Us boys' were in the back holding on to the rails with our life . We were so grateful for those wood railing on the side of that truck , that night . I was always terrified of getting into a vehicle with him driving it , since that night .
In the end we ended up living in Sebrings Florida , and met a couple named Eddy and Linda . Thay were sick of living in Florida , and decided that Arizona would be the best place to live , so thay suggested that we move to Arizona with them . My dad thought about it and decided we would all go toghether . His car ended up braking down the day befor we left , so what do you think he did , he went down and put a down payment on a used car . We never paid another payment on that car either . My dad had a way of doing things . He's the reason why Uhual is so hard on poeple about their vehicles' . He would rent a Uhual and tell them that it was for moving locally , get the truck , move half way across the country and dump the truck off late at night , in a Uhual station . He didn't want to pay the extra cash it seemed .
Befor Arizona though , we did live in Georgia though . I can remember some of that too . Growing up , I lived in allot of trailor courts' , and this memory that I have took place in one of them . We would race hot wheels arround the trailor court becuase it was set up like a race track . It had a paved circular road , that went arround the trailor court . Half of it went up on a hill and then the other half shot down , then it went back arround until it went up the hill agian . All the kids' in the trailor court , had a ball with that . We would all get toghether and race arround it . I can remember poping my hot wheel up on two wheels at times , taking the corners' . I know that the trailor court was arround Atlanta , yet I was too young , so I cann't be precise .
I can also remember trying to catch wild turkeys there too . In Florida we use to worry about wild bores coming out of the woods , and in Georgia , we would chase wild turkeys' . We never could catch any , we were too young , but it was fun anyhow . My family moved into the trailor that had someone who was just murdered in it . I heard about that and it didn't set right with me . Apperantly , it was a women , and her ex-boyfriend or ex-husband , had a problem with her leaving him . So , he took a gun , placed her head under the matress of the bed , and blow it off . I can still to this day , remember that story .
We would visit Lithiah Springs all the time , even after moving from Georgia to Florida , we would travel all the way back to go there . We would get up early pack all of the food and travel in the morning , getting there just as it was warm enough to swim. The first time I had ever gotten a fish hook stuck in me was at Stome Mountain . It stuck right in my belly . Scared the heck out of me . My family seemed to like Georgia , but my mom couldn't handle all of the clay . Clay was everywhere , and it was constantly being dragged in the house . Georgia is also were our family first gave my baby sister the nickname Little Mamma , and she grew into the name eventually . She still thinks she's everyones mother .
During the time in Georgia , I cann't remember any dairy farms , parties' or any time when I drink personally . I can remember allot of it in Florida , yet none in Georgia . My first memory of Georgia , was my dad worked for an auction and we lived in an apartment complex . The first time I ever went to Georgia , my dad emptied a truck full of house hold stuff and toys for us kids' . He said it was ours , yet I never remembered any of it . He had a bike for each of us and furniture for the apartment . I can also remember the time in the trailor park when I finally got the chicken pocks , the doctor told my mom that the best thing to do is let all of us kids' get it at the same time so that we could be done with it all at one time and thats what happened .
After living in Georgia and Florida a few times' though , my parents' decided it would be best to travel to Arizona . My dad had plans to make it to Bullhead , Arizona . It took a week and a half to get there , and it was one of the worse times' of my life . I told you already how my father had gotten the car . Now you get to find out why he never made anymore payments' on it . The car was fine until just arround Mississippi , then it started overheating constantly , so we had to pull over almost every half an hour . The muffler started dragging , so we had to use a close hanger to hold the muffler up , yet it was constantly falling back down on the ground . So there we were pulling over to cool the car down or putting the muffler back up with a close hanger . We had Ten poeple with us . Use , a family of six , Edd , Linda , their little baby and Linda's sister . I cann't remember the baby's name or her sisters name either . At the beginning of the trip we had to let all of our cats loose , becuase it was too over crowded to bring them with us . We still had our family dog Browny though .
We were tight on money , so instead of sleeping in hotels , we would sleep at rest areas' , in the car and on the tables . It didn't matter . I was able to see the border patrol bust allot of Illegal alliens though , in San Antonio . We traveled all the way to Arizona on Interstate ten . By the time we made it to Tucson though , the money was running out . We stopped at a park and litterly stayed there all day long , while Eddy and my dad tryed to find some kind of organisation that would give us money to help us on our trip . It didn't work though , so thay decided to finish the trip as far as we could go until we couldn't drive any more . By the way , I have never seen Bullhead , Arizona to this day . We made it to Coolidge , Arizona , and had to stay in a homeless shelter there for about a month , until we finally got a small apartment.
We lived in Cooladge for a few months' with Eddy , Linda and their baby as well as Linda's sister as roomates . That wasn't working out too well . My dad , while we were living in the shelter , got yet another job on a Dairy in Higley Arizona . It was about an hour away , and he had to travel back and forth to work , until a place became available on the Dairy . See , most dairys' have what we call a landlord system . Thay usually put trailors' and houses on their land to house their employees' . That was one of the big reasons' why my day liked working dairys' . No rent or electricity . Eventually , one of the trailors on the dairy became available . My dad's boss was named Tom Dugan , and he had some pretty decent places for his employees' , compared to some the houses and trailors' I've seen .
I've seen trailors put in the middle of cow pastures' , that are about a mile in distance from the nearest gate out . My family has lived in the middle of nowhere in houses made completely out of concrete . Once we lived on an old shack set up on leggs . Its pretty interesting when I think about it today . I cann't believe some of the things poeple can get away with these days' , its cheap living but there's a price you pay for cheap .
When we moved to Higley , I was finally starting to get worse . Smoking was already a habbit , and my siblings and I were stealing cigarettes' from my parents' by this time . Thay eventually began to hide them in their file cabonet , but we learned . I would pry the side of the file cabonet to pop the lock and get in . Most of the time thay never noticed that cigarettes were missing , thay always bought by the carton . I first smoked marajuana , with my friend Anthony . I thought at one time that I was thirteen , yet I may have been older . Once I started writing about it , I began to come my age with school , and noticed that I was probably older , arround fifteen maybe . We moved to Arizona when I was just about to turn thirteen . I can remember having my thirteenth birthday , just after moving onto Dugan's dairy .
Anthony , was my first actual , "rebel friend" . I first met him , and I wanted what he had , what ever that was . We started drinking toghether first , then I met his brother Tommy and that was when I started smoking pot . My brother and sister would drink with us too . My family eventually let a family move in with us for a while too , and their two duaghters' would party with us . We would ask one of the mexicans' to go down to the liquor store in Queen Creek Heights' for some booze . Thay would , so we always got drunk on the weekend . The Dugans' had their dairy set up pretty good , thay had small pins' for the cows with the ground concrete instead of earth . To the side of the Dairy thay then had cotton seed stacked on a concrette surface . Thay had hills' of cotton seed . All of us , would go to the cotton seed to drink and play . I remember getting drunk and sitting on a huge hill of cotton seed stairing down on the dairy farm .
One night , I was over at Anthonie's house and his dad was having friends' over . Thay were drinking Margarettas' made with grapefruit . Anthony was sneaking cups of it to me in his room , and that was when I finally met Tommy . Tommy reminded me of Jim Morrison , I swear . I idolised him . In my eyes' he was god . He smoked a joint with me that night , me and his brother , and it was the first time I had ever gotton stoned . I had smoked pot befor , but never enough to get completely blasted like I did that night . All that I know is , my ears popped and went low . I could barely hear and it felt like my eyes were going to pop out of my face . I layed back on the bunk bed and I staired up at Anthonie's posters' . He had two of them , one was an Elvis Costello poster and the other was Judis Priest . From that point on we always smoked pot with Tommy .
Eventually , we cuased too much trouble and my dad's boss had him move us off the dairy . Then my dad eventually quit , and we moved from the country . We moved to Mesa . That was the last time I had ever lived in the country too , I can still remember nights' in Higley , stairing at the lights in the distance . I wanted to be in the lights' so much . I eventually got to be in them , yet thay weren't what all that thay were cut out to be . From time to time I still wish that I had that innocence that I had back then , yet its gone .
The big differances' in my writing compared to when I was younger and now , has allot to do with the stories' that I just wrote about . For me to be able to fully tell what was going on , I've got to give a solid example of what I am talking about . For me , my past experiences' serve as the perfect example in many cases . Like I said befor , when I wrote befor , my poems' were pretty morbid . I was always playing the victim , not saying that I didn't come from a disfunctional family and things were great , but I used those things as excuses for behaiving the way I behaived . I would use my poetry for a way of venting my problems' , and that was a positive thing , yet it grew tired and I stopped . Now , when I write poems' , it seems harder . I don't feel as though I have as much emotion as what I use to do . I usually write poems' about things that I have learned in Recovery .
I would write allot of Fiction too , and my mind would fire with imagination . I was constantly in La La Land , never grounded . I think that had to do with my thinking though , I was constantly all about that . In Arizona , as a teen ager , I would steel alcohol , clothes from clothing stores' , Pop , shoes' , cigarettes and what ever I could get my hands' on . I became just as addicted to steeling the boose , as what I was to drinking it . I felt as though I was on top of the world . Overconfidance of youth , that is what I think of when I think of my teen age life . I would leave home for weeks at a time , never checking in . I can remember sleeping on rooftops and empty apartments' in complexes' . It was all becuase of that self delusional way of thinking . I would write about being poeple that I always wanted to become , yet never could . My life was a fiction .
Today , I haven't written any fictional stories' yet , but I hope to soon . I do miss the whole imagination thing . In recover though , I was tuaght to self evaluate myself though , and it became the whole me . I used my writing alot in recover . I wrote a huge journal and then disected it piece by peice .
The truth of the whole matter is , I over did it . I obsessed over my past , and I never did the steps' the way thay were sappose to be done . I did what one of my old sponsors' called mental masterbation . I learned that all I really need to do is follow directions' don't read into things' too much . I would overthink things way too much . I can see that alot too , with other poeple , becuase , I myself have that problem too . Life is simple , yet we complicate the heck out of it . I saw a wall painted , (on television) , with a saying that I still love . "Life is what happens while we are planning stuff" . That is so full of truth , in my opinion .
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Please Login to post comments| On September 29th 2007 roglol1973 Said : | |
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I have written an introduction and now the first chapter to my story about recovery before and after using . I hope that you enjoy it , and I hope that maybe it may help others' . God Bless . |
