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Off My Chest
Other
 Created on 6-22-07
 Views(36)
 Story Rating G
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i posted this on myspace. some of my friends commented me on it for positive support. I felt like i needed to post it here. If you don't have something positive to say to me please don't post anything. I am going through enough right now.
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i know i post a lot of blogs but sometimes i feel the need to just say something and not talk to no one at the same time. i am going trough the hardest time of my life. I'm tryin to become a good and devote christian while tryin to be married to someone who is rebelling against god and anyone who crosses his path. even me. My husband makes me feel like someone who just rolls over whenever he wants a peice and then tosses me aside. We've barely spoken in over a week and i am so unhappy. I've been going to church a lot lately and he can't seem to stand it. i pray a lot about everything and the conclusion i'm getting or the answer i should say is to leave him. as i take time to myself and have nothing but my thoughts to occupy my time because my husband leaves me at home by myself till 4 in the morning or just never comes to bed i think about the past year and how i just can't seem to stay happy for over a week. i'm usually unhappy for about 3 weeks before we have another big argument and i leave him for two or three days. so that would make me unhappy for over 75% of our marriage. i know it's the first year that's the hardest but isn't it supposed to get better when you began to reach that 1 year mark? i can't live with myself knowing that i let him run over me like he does. why have i stayed with him this long? what has he offered me so much of that pleases me so? why do i love him? Again, as i think about these questions, i cannot give myself an answer to any. I know one reason why i haven't left him is because i am scared of what he will do. i shouldn't have to live scared of my own husband but i've seen his anger. i know that's not the only reason, i just need to figure out the other reasons as to why i haven't or why i shouldn't. i know i love him but as the days go on and the unhappiness inside of me grows and grows i can't help but to think of life without him. of someone who likes me for me and not for what i can do for him in bed or how fast i can fix his food or drink. i want him to be able to make me happy while being hiself. to love me for me, and not who he wants me to be. to not have to "kiss my ass" (as my husband put it) to make me happy but to make me happy without tryin. to love god. to be able to get mad at me with out throwing something at me. to not have to call me names or scream at me to make himself feel bigger and better. and most of all, to be able to not have to go find another girl to tell his feelings to instead of me. yes he did that. he didn't screw her nor did he kiss her but he did do that. i do believe i'm in an abusive relationship maybe not physically but def. mentally. and if i don't change it now, i do believe it will one day become physical. i always told myself that i would never let myself slip into an abusive relationship but somehow, i've managed to do it. ppl don't realize how easy it is until it happens to them. and it is so hard to get out. i have been luckly enough in life to have wonderful friends and family that will support me 100% and help me anyway they can. Thanks to everyone who has helped me and will help me in the future.
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