cant live with him cant live without

I layed on my bed.My face was burried in a pillow.This wasn't happening.This can't be happening!

"Zora."His voice sounds cracked.Slit in half.One side hating the other loving.But tonight its all hating weather it doesn't sound that way or not.

I don't answer just burry my head deeper into my pillow.Go away.Just go away.Why won't he just go away!

"Zora."His voice sounds louder."Aw there you are."He pulls my head out of my pillow."Trying to hide are we?"

"No."I stutter and close my eyes.This isn't real.

"Why don't me and you have some fun?"

I shake my head."No."I murmur.

"No!"He yells."How dare you tell me no!"He grabs my head."I must have heard you wrong.What did you say?"

"No."I mumble over the two letters.

"Well thats just too bad."He says and drops my head.Someone wake me up from this nightmare.Please.

As he removes my clothes I lay silent.

"Ready for some fun?"

I don't brother answer.I am not there.I am somewhere else.Somewhere far away.I cram my eyes shut and let my mind fade away.

When he is finally done I open eyes.

"Hope you enjoyed that as much as I did."He does up his belt and leaves.

I scurry out of my bed and dart to the bathroom.I turn on the shower as hot as it can go,grab my toothbrush from the container by the sink,and brush my teeth.I have to get rid of the taste of his tounge.He always makes me kiss him.

I look in the mirror at my pale fragile frame.It makes me sick.I make me sick.I spit in the sink and get into the shower.

I stand in the shower for at least an hour scrubbing away the feeling of him.I turn off the water and grab a towel I look in the mirror again.I have to rub away some of the fog just so I can see me.The feeling of Him is stll there.I open the top draw.I breathe in deeply.The piece of metal rest between my index finger and tumb.Why do you do this to youself?Better yet why does he do this to you?Well it isn't fault.It is yours.You had to do something to make him do it to you.It is your punishment.But you have your own form of self punishment.

I press the blade across my wrist.Do you really need to do this?I drag it across my wrist pressing as hard as I can.I am looking at the person in the mirror.What are you doing?You must be crazy.I drop the blade and rush over to the toilet.I fall to my knee and puke.I discuss myself.

"Zora."His voice sounds hurt."Help please."He is cry.I run out my bathroom door,out my bedroom door and down the stairs.He is laying on the bottom step."Zora."He crys.I slip down next to him and pull his head into my lap.

"Sshh."I coo rubbing his head.

"Zora I am scared."He crys harder.

"Don't be I'm here.I won't leave."Can't leave.

He pulls my other hand to him."Zora I love you."He kisses my hand.

"I love you too."Even though I shouldn't.

I wake up next to him.I am wrapped in his arms.Why do I always forgive him.He rapes me and I catch him when he falls.How does that workout.When I frist saw him I never thought he would like me but now he loves me and he abuses me.I moved out of my house for him.I gave up everything for him and he rapes me.I remember the first time he did it.He wanted sex.He was drunk.I said no.He didn't care.He made a habit of it.I always said no.Not once did we have sex where I said yes.Not once but I love him.How does that work?

"Zora."He mumbled.

"mhm."I turn around so I am facing him.

"good morning."He opens his eyes and looks at me.

"Morning."I smile.

"What do you want to do today?"Leave.

"I don't know what do you want to do?"

"I don't know but I want to eat now."he laughs.Does he even remember raping me?Does he even think of it as rape?Is it rape?

"How does cold pizza sound?"I ask with a laugh.

"Make it warm and it sounds good."I get up.

"Two warm not cold pieces pizza coming up."

"What are you going to eat."He laughs.

"Fine three pieces of pizza."I say and walk down stairs.

I put three pieces of pizza on a plate and place the plate in the microwave.

RING RING.

I pull out my cell phone.I didn't even know I had it in my pocket.

The light flashed Frankie's name.

"Hello."I whispered into the phone.

"Where the hell are you?"

"You know where I am."I huff into the phone.

"Why are you still there?"Frankie asks.

"Cause I love him."

"Why?"

I hear Gerard say to give him the phone.I don't have time for this right now.He is in a good mood right now.

"Zora its Gerard."

"Yeah I know what do you want?"

"You to leave that jerk."

"Well thats too bad."

The Microwaves beeps.

"He is a druggie."

"So were you."

"So I didn't push my girlfriend around...or boyfriend for the matter."True.He doesn't push me around.Not really.Inless you count rape as pushing.It is kinda pushing it into and out of me.I nearly gag at the thought.

"Are you still there?"

"Um yeah.Listen I have to go."

"Wait."

"What?"I pull the plate out of the microwave.

"We love you and want you to be in a safe place."

"Yeah ok.Bye."I hang up and walk up stairs.

I look around the room.Where did he go?Don't tell me he is getting high this early.

"What the hell is this!"I jump.He walks out of the bathroom holding my bloody razorblade.

"Ahhhh."

"What is it."He has me by the shoulders.I feel faint.I thought I put it away.He doesn't want an "emo" Girlfriend.Oh god he looks so mad.

"Well what is it!"I drop the pizza.I back away.

"Answer me Zora!"I turn around and run down the stairs.I can't take this!I can't!Normally he is too high to notice the cuts or doesn't take off my hoodie.What is he going to do!I can't take this!

It doesn't even take him a mintue to grab me by my wist.I kick."Let me go!"I scream "What is it!"He screams back.

"A razor blade!"'I yell"Now put me down!"

"Why does it have blood on it."he is carring me back to the room.

"I don't know."I murmur.

"Liar!"He yells and drops me to me feet.My knees go out and I fall to the floor.

"What do you think it is then!"I yell and cry.

"God damn it Zora!This is the last thing I need.A girlfriend who cuts yourself."He is pacing back and front.Still olding the blade.I wish he would drop it.Then I could end it all right now."FUCK!"He screams.I tremble.Either from fear or from crying so hard.

"I am sorry."I say.

"Sorry doesn't heal wounds."thats where you are wrong.If you would just say sorry I would stop.

"I am so sorry."I am crying so hard.I wonder if he even understood what I said.While is it that I am always holding you when you cry and you are never holding me when I cry?

"God Zora!I thought I went over this before."

"I know I know.I am sorry.I'm so sorry.Please hun.Forgive me?"I am begging him.Only cause I am scared of what will happen if he doesn't.

He grabs my wrist and pulls up my sleeve.

"Geeze!"He yells and drops my wrist.He grabs the other one.

"God damn it!"what are they too terrible for a man who rapes the girl he loves.(I am calling you a man since you are taller and 2 years older then me.You are 17 and I am only 15)

"I am sorry."I mumble and whip my eyes.

"Why Zora?Why!"Did you just ask me why?Ha.Why hum.Why.Duh YOU!

"I don't know why maybe it has to do with the person who rapes me every night!"I scream.He puts his hand over my mouth.

"Thats a stupid thing to say you know?"He grabs me by my wrist and pulls me to my feet.I whimper.

"Of all the stupid things to say!"He yells.He uncovers me mouth.Help!Someone Help!God what is he going to do.I want to scream for help but the words won't come out.

"how dumb are you?"He looks at me."First you alway say no."He is talking about me saying no to the sex."Then you cut yourelf now you scream that I rape you.Pretty dumb if you ask me."

He paces back and front.I look towards the door.Its open.Run run run.My feet won't move.

My mouth makes words."What are you going to do?"I stutter.

"Ha you don't want to know."He is still pacing.I wait til he is farest away.Do it just do it.Run!I dart out the door and run down the stairs take two at a time.

"Zora!"He comes runnign after me.

I pull out my phone and press 4.Speed dail got to love it.

"Hello."I hear Gerard say.

"Help."I yell and run to the front door.Its locked.I try undoing the locks but its too late.

He pins me againt the door.

"Once again I ask how dumb are you?"I whimer.I think be crushed one of my ribs.I drop my phone.

"Aw lets see who you called."He steps away from me .I slide down the door holding my stomach.He picks up my phone.

"Hello."Gerard screams.

"Hello."He says all calm.

"Where is Zora?"Gerard ask.He put The phone on speaker phone.

"Aw Gerard.How you been?"

"Zora."Gerard yells.

"You might want to call back some other time."

"What did you do to her!"Gerard yells.

"Nothing really...Yet."He hangs up in Gerard and throws the phone to the side.

"Run was a very dumb thing to do."He is kneling in front of me.

I look away.He grabs my face and makes me look at him.

"I don't love a scared up girl."He lets go of my face.I don't love a abusive druggie...so why do I love you?

He pulls me to my feet again.

"You are going to be sorry now."he grabs my hand and drags me up stair.He pushes me on the bed.

"I don't know why I ever loved you."You told me I was funny.Thats why.I am not funny anymore.I am pathic.

"Please don't."I beg."Please."

"Just shut up and take it.Whore."Just close your eyes.Let your mind take you away.You aren't here.He isn't touching you.You aren't here!

It didn't take long for him to have my clothes off and his too.He ran his fingers down me starting from chin always down the my belly button.

"Please don't do this.PLease."I beged.He wasn't high or drunk.I could make him stop.I could.

"Shhh."He placed his finger over my mouth.I let the tears flow.

I pushed him away.

"Get off me!"I screamed.He put his hand over my mouth.I bite his fingers.

"Aw shit!"I jumped up and ran to the bathroom.I shut slammed the door and locked it.

"Open the door Zora!You can't stay there forever!"He hit the door.

I wrapped a towel around me.

"Go to hell!"I yelled.

Maybe I knew he would never change.Maybe I knew I couldn't stop him.Maybe I knew he would also do this.Maybe I knew he could kill me.Maybe I wanted him to.Maybe I just couldn't take it anymore.Whatever the reason I became brave then and there.Sitting on the bathroom rug wrapped in a towel I became brave.

He hit the door again."Open the door and I won't hurt you as bad but make me break it down and I will make it hurt so bad you will regert being born!"

"Too late for that!"I yelled back.

"You can't stand up to me!This brave new act of yours won't last long and every mintue it does last you will pay!"

I got to my feet and unlocked the door.I held my breathe.What if he kills you tonight?What if he kills you tomorrow?I shook my head.I can't think about that.Just think about making it through today.I turned the knob.

His hand gribbed my neck."Know you would cave!"He threw me on the bed.

I lost count of the number of times you held me down and had your way with me.I use to count by marks on my neck or the nail marks on my back.But you stoped leaving them.I can't remember how many times it took til I found away to not think about every single trush.But from what I remember this time hurt the most.

You got up and smirked,I was pretty sure I was bleeding.It hurt so bad.My eyes stung so bad from crying so hard.

"See I told you I would male you pay.Let this be a reminder.I could do way wrost."He slide on his boxers.I sat up and pulled my knees to my chest.I didn't look at him.I can't.If I do I will surely throw up.

"So what would you like to eat?"He pulled on his pants.

"Whatever you want."I mumled.

"I will go get KFC how does that sound?"

"Okay."I murmured.He walked over to me and kissed me forehead.

"See you when I get back."

I nodded my head.He walked out of the room.I sat there holding my breathe til I hear the front door close and the car start.

I let a deep breathe out then waited two mintues.116 mississisppi 117 mississippi 118 mississippi 119 mississippi 120 mississippi.

I ran to the bathrrom.I kneeled by the tolilet and puked.I stood to my feet and looked in the mirror.who have you become.You use to wear eyeliner and eyeshadow.You use to smile.You use to laugh.Now you cry too much to wear make up.Now you frown all the time.Now you whimber.

I couldn't stand looking in the mirror.I turned on the hot water to the shower.I didn't even wait for it to get warm.I steped in right away.

I looked at my arms.They were covered in brusies and cuts.My stomach had bruises on it too.I watched the water run down my legs.Some of the water was bloody.My legs were shakey.I slide down the wall.

I cried and cried and cried.Where was the person I fell in love with.Was he just an act?How can I still love him.After all he has done to me.Why does my heart still long for him.

The tears kept coming til I hear the front door open.I jumped to my feet and turned off the water.I wraped a towle around me and walked out to the bedroom.

"Hey I am back."He said walking into the room.

"Oh hey I just got out of the shower."Imumbled looking in the closet for a pair of jeans.I grabbed some and pulled them on over my underwear.

"I can tell."He did up the bed and sat on it.

I put on a bra then a shirt."What did you get?"I said looking at the bag on the bed.

"Popcorn chicken and mash pottoes."He opened the bags and pulled out a box of popcorn chicken and handed it to me.I sat on the bed next to him and opened it.

"KFC was what we had for our first meal togerher."He said handing me a small container of mash potoes.

"Mhm."I siad and took the container.He handed me a spork.

"Yeah."

"Thanks."I mumbled and started at the food.

"What is wrong?"Hmm let me see you raped me...AGAIN!

"Nothing why?"

"You aren't eating."

I don't know what happened.I don't know why I did it.Maybe I really was dumb.But right then I leaned over and kissed him.

He kissed back.I rubbed my tounge against his lips and he part them.My tounge explored his mouth for awhile til his tounge started to explore mine.

I pulled away.He looks at me.His eyes are soft and sweet.Just like the guy I one knew.The guy I fell in love with.The guy I ran away from home to live with.For a moment I think everything else was a dream but then I touch my arm and feel a brusie he left.Pictures of him throwing me on the bed.Thoughts of him holding me down flow in to my head.Then I do something even more dumb.I cry.

"Zora whats wrong?"

"Everything."I cry.

"What do you mean?"

"You..you can't act like it never happened.You were high.I thought the drugs made you do it but no you do it just cause you can.You don't love me!You never did!"I'm crying really hard now.I don't care if he rapes me right there.I don't care if he kills me.Actually I'm hoping he does.I hope he kills me and makes the pain and heart ache stop.

He looks away."Zora...You can be so dumb at times."He doesn't soundmad when he says it.More like broken."But you are beautifl and caring and sweet.Its kinda sad how you don't leave.Not that I let you try."He looks over at me really fast."You should have better.I know that.I know I hurt you.But I can't let you go.I need you.But maybe now...Maybe now."His voice cracks.He is crying.I stop crying and go to put my arm around him.

He pushes my away."Don't.Zora leave.Now and don't look back.Go."

I sit there.But I love you.Youcan change.Maybe go to rehab.We can work.I can forgive you.

"I can't.I love you.We could work.You could go to rehab and get clean and I will wait.We can work."

"After everything I did.After all we been through.Zora we can't work."Yes yes we can.I can't let you go!

"But...."

"Zora just go."I stand to me feet.

"I can't..."

"Yes you can."

"You can go to rehab..I will wait I promise."

"I am going to rehab but you shouldn't wait for me."

"But I will."

"Damn it Zora!"He yells.I jump.For a second I think he is going to try to rape me again.But he doesn't.He gets up and turns to me and looks me in the eyes."Go Zora.Please.You know you have to.Gerard and Frankie will be waiting.I called them.Go Zora.Go."

"Fine!"I scream."You never loved me!"

"Yes yes I did.I still do.Thats why I am leting you go."

I gather a few things of mine up.He stands watching.

He walks me to the front door.

"I love you Zora.Goodbye."He says to me as I walk out the door.Gerard and Franke are waiting in the car.

I turn to look at him one last time.I once told myslef I would die with you...but will I also die without you.

I get in the car and Gerard starts to drive away.All of a sudden a gun goes off.

A drive by.It misses us.Then another shot and a sharp pain in my side.

"Zora!"Gerard yells.

"Goodbye Ray Toro......My love..........."

THE END.