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pastPayne

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<div style="border:1px #ccc solid; background-image:url('/images/ray.gif'); font-family:arial; width:200px; padding:5px;"><center><div style="font-size:20px;"><a href="/story/pastPayne/31537">An Occasional Someone -3-</a></div><table><tr><td width="50"><div style="color:#2CC362; font-size:15px; padding-top:4px; background-image:url('/images/profratebg.gif'); background-repeat:no-repeat; width:44px; height:26px; text-align:center; font-weight:bold; vertical-align:middle; padding-top:8px; padding-left:1px; " valign="top">1</div></td><td><div style="height:100px;width:100px; padding-top:9px; background-repeat:no-repeat; background-image:url(/images/storyCover.png);"><a href="/story/pastPayne/31537"><div style="margin-left:9px; __padding:0px; height:90px; width:70px; background-repeat:no-repeat; background-image:url('http://www.testriffic.com/storyfiles/31537.jpg');"></div></a></div></td></tr></table></center></div>

0	A Recipe for Pain -8-
+ 3	A Recipe For Pain -7-
+ 2	Never Come Back -2-
+ 2	A Recipe for Pain -6-
+ 3	A Recipe For Pain -5-
+ 6	A Recipe for Pain -4-
+ 2	Never Come Back -1-
+ 4	Don't Come Back -Intro-
+ 3	A Recipe for Pain -4-
+ 6	A Recipe for Pain -3-
+ 4	A Recipe for Pain -2-
+ 2	A Recipe for Pain -1-
+ 2	A Recipe For Pain -Intro-
+ 2	An Occasional Someone -5-
+ 1	An Occasional Someone -4-
+ 1	An Occasional Someone -3-
+ 1	An Occasional Someone -2-
+ 1	An Occasional Someone -1-

I kept putting him off. I didn't want to believe him. I didn't want to like him, I didn't want him to like me. But most of all, I didn't want to get hurt. I had not fears of him getting hurt. He could have any girl he wanted and wouldn't think about me very long. I knew that, ultimately, I would get hurt, because there is no halfway for me. If I love someone, I love them and that's it. And love is a game of Give and Take. And I always give everything I have (not physically, if that's what you're thinking), but never get anything in return. I give pieces of myself away, so there's not much if I don't get anything back.Besides, I didn't want to ruin what we had. That-One-Guy had done a lot for me. I had been a cutter for years before I met him. Even though I tried to stop, I could never go for more than I week or so before I had a relapse. I knew cutting was stupid, but it was a habit. It was my addiction, my marijuana. It took away all my emotional pain. I was glad when he found out and made me promise to stop. I always try to keep my promises. But I'm wandering again. Sorry. I told you my thoughts were disjointed. AAAHHH!!! I'm doing it again!ANYWAY . . .  that first time he told me he liked me, I just blew him off. But he kept getting more and more serious, until I had no choice but to believe him. So at play practice one night, we talked about it, and we decided we would give it a try. Of course I never told him about my fears, because I wanted so bad for this to be real, so bad it hurt. No guy had ever told me they'd liked me before. I've never even been kissed. Now, usually, people are thrilled at this kind of thing, but the only thing I felt was disbelief and fear. I know this isn't normal, but I always get bad feelings before something bad happens. And it was screaming inside of me that something was about break. And it was right. The next morning, my world shattered worse than it ever had before. And do you know whose fault it was? Damn right. It was mine.

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