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onaipwolf

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Hayley continued to head off down the road, her original destination long forgotten. Her hands gripped the wheel as thoughts began to swirl throughout her head. Her meeting with Derek had stirred up old emotions she thought were long forgotten deep within her, like mud being displaced on the bottom of a once calm puddle. And like that mud, it clouded everything up until she could no longer see the bottom.

            She thought about him again. Such a long time to remain silent. When she had first left, she had been angry. Angry at the church for its corruption, at her friends for being so superficial, at Derek specifically for remaining blind, and at herself for being so foolish that they could dupe her into believing the lies they had fed her. As time passed, that anger turned into resentment. For a time, she had almost considered going back. She did have some good times there. She thought of the joy she had felt directing the discipleship ministry, just when everything was going her way.

            When had it started to crumble? Immediately his face flashed before her eyes. The affair. It had started off innocent enough. She was working in the office at the church late one night trying to get the details for the Valentines banquet fundraiser all figured out. It was in three days, and the place they were renting out had just cancelled. As a result she had spent the greater part of the evening calling various places but everything seemed to be booked. Finally, after calling every place in town and still not making any progress, she put her head down on her desk and sighed.

            She mumbled to herself under her breath. “How am I ever going to get this straightened out?”

            “Get what straightened out?”

            She looked up, surprised. She had thought everyone had already gone home. There was Pastor Jaron Rider at the door.

            “Oh hi, Jaron. I just can’t find a venue for the Valentine’s banquet. I’ve just spent three hours on the phone calling every place I can think of, but everything’s booked. I just have to find a place. This is our biggest fund raiser of the year, and we’ve already sold all the tickets. If I can’t find a venue soon, we’ll have to cancel and refund everyone their money. And we can’t afford that. The funds have already been put back into the ministry. Not to mention how upset everyone will be. I can only imagine the phone calls I’ll be getting from upset people…” Her sentence trailed off as the situation began to overwhelm her. She sighed again. She could feel tears beginning to form in her eyes and she blinked twice to hold them back.

            “That’s too bad, Hayley.” He paused, and then entered the room. He pulled up a chair next to hers and sat down. He clasped her hand comfortingly and continued, “It’s going to all work out. You’ve just had a hard day.”

            “I’m sorry for dumping this all on you.” Hayley looked at him and tried to smile.

            “It’s no problem. You’re just frazzled. Go home and relax. You’ll feel better in the morning. And if you’d like, I have a pretty open day tomorrow, so I could help you. How’s that sound?”

            “Good.”

“Hey I have an idea. This will help you relax.”

Jaron left the room for a moment and came back with a wine bottle and two glasses from the church kitchen in hand. “Nothing wrong with just a little drink, as long as it isn’t too much. It will help you sleep tonight.” He began pouring the red wine into the two glasses on her desk, a mischievous grin plastered on his face.

She hesitated. Of course it wasn’t a sin to drink, just to get drunk, he had said so himself from the pulpit more than once. “Ok.” She took the glass closest to her and took a swallow.

“So why are you here so late? Working on a sermon?”

He laughed. She liked the sound of it; it seemed to lift her spirits just a little.

“No. I was just doing some book work. Carl wasn’t feeling too well today so I said I’d stay late and finish balancing the books for him so he could go home early. I didn’t stop to consider the fact that I am no math genius.”

Hayley laughed and took another drink. They sat back down in their seats and continued to chat. The conversation flowed freely from one topic to the next and before she knew it her glass was empty. Without another thought to it, she filled her glass again.

After awhile she glanced at the clock and realized they had been talking for over forty minutes, and she had been drinking the whole time. She had lost track after the second one, everything began to get fuzzy, but she thought it couldn’t be more than four. She realized she was a little more than buzzed, and probably so was he. She decided it was time to go.

“I should probably go. It’s getting late.” Hayley stood up, and so did he. She pulled on her grey coat and grabbed her purse in her hand, feeling just a little wobbly.

            “It sure is.” He said smiling once again. “Well, you have a good night. Be sure to relax.”

            Hayley found this enormously funny, and laughed.

            He leaned in and gave her an enveloping embrace goodbye. Hayley hugged him back. She had a light sensation run through her at his touch. He smelled good, sweet but masculine.

            She realized that he had never hugged her for this long or with such warmth before. Did he like her? But that was a silly thought. He was married. She must have been projecting her feelings on him. But what feelings? She was dating Derek, had been for the past four months. Despite this fact, she realized this feeling growing within her chest wasn’t completely platonic. Or maybe it was just the wine.

            She paused, feeling awkward and unsure of what to do next. She had the brief, sudden impulse to kiss him. Feeling surprised at the thought, she pulled back. Closing her coat almost like a physical barrier against the thought, she commented, “Well, I should get going.”

            “Yes.” He stopped for a moment then continued. “If you don’t mind waiting for a minute, I should be going too. I’ll grab my coat and things and walk you to your car.”

            Hayley had the distinct impression there was some kind of ulterior meaning behind those words, but perhaps it was just the alcohol clouding her discernment. She knew what she should have done, what she should have said, just to make sure but she found herself saying, “Sure. That sounds fine.”

            “Good. I’ll be right back.” He went down the hall and retrieved his belongings, then rejoined Hayley, who hadn’t moved from her office.

            Hayley’s mind was screaming dual commands at her. Just go, walk out to the car. Forget what you’re feeling right now. You’re just tired, and a little buzzed that’s all. But just as loud were conflicting thoughts. Stay. Kiss him, you know you want to. What’s the harm?

            He must have noticed her hesitation because he said, “Hayley, are you ok?”

            “Yes.” She shook her head just a bit to clear her thoughts. This is when I walk out that door and go to my car. She thought. Go. Move! She commanded herself. But she didn’t so much as take a step. Her feet seemed glued to the carpet.

She looked at him. He really was a handsome man with short dirty blonde hair, tall, and an endearing smile. She realized she was checking him out, and chided herself. This was the house of God, for goodness sakes, and here she was lusting upon another man. And a married one at that.

            He crossed the few feet that separated them and looked in her eyes. She saw her own lust reflected back in them. The knowledge both surprised and frightened her. He touched her hand, and she dropped her purse on the ground. He ran his hand along her arm and up to her face. He leaned in and she knew he was going to kiss her. Her mind shouted for her to stop him. To walk away. But she didn’t. She tilted her head back and received the kiss openly. It was heated, filled with passion and repressed desire.

            Things began to move quickly after that. She returned the kiss fervently. He pushed her coat down off her shoulders, and she pulled it the rest of the way down, letting it drop to the floor in a heap. He ran his hands along the frame of her body, pushing her blouse up, and she began to fumble with the buttons on his white shirt.

            He leaned forward, and she took a step back in turn. She bumped into the desk and moved no further. He was pressed against her, and she could feel that he was aroused. All she could think about was him inside her. It became a need, a desire, like nothing she had felt before this moment.

            Their clothes dropped from them like fall leaves, making messy piles on the floor. They sank down to the floor, swimming in ecstasy. She got lost in the rhythm of it, the sheer unadulterated bliss filled her every fiber. The intensity of it grew until she didn’t think she could take it anymore. It peaked, and she let out her breath hard, a moan escaping her lips. A few seconds later he did as well, and her body shuddered, feeling the sweet pleasure of his sudden release.

            Then it all came crashing down in her head, a tower of blocks toppled over. What was she doing? She pushed him up, and he moved back. He looked at her, a surprised, confused look on his face. I’ll never forget that face. She thought.

            “We need to stop.” Too late. She thought. Quickly dressing, she continued to speak. “What have we done? I guess that wine really got to our heads. I really should be going. I feel sick.”

            He just sat naked and unmoving, his back against her desk. The seriousness of what they had done slowly sank into him as well. “I’m sorry, Hayley. I don’t know…what I was thinking. I’m just so sorry. So sorry…”

            She had finished putting on her clothes and coat and stood at the doorway watching him on the floor, him looking at her and repeating, “I’m sorry,” over and over again like a mantra. She couldn’t bear to look at him any longer, and turned away, disgusted with herself and him.

            She had driven home that night, slowly since she still felt drunk. The next morning she tried to push the previous night’s events from her mind. Over the next several weeks she pushed herself into her work, in an attempt to make up for her actions. She was reminded of that night every time she saw him from that point on. They both kept it secret. Their eyes would meet, and always for the flash of an instant she would want to kiss him once again, to feel his lips upon hers, but she always banished the thought, knowing he thought the same thing.

            Two months passed and it came out that one of the deacons had been having an affair with another woman. Jaron came down harshly on him, stripping him of his position and kicking him from the church. Hayley secretly wondered if he wasn’t trying to make up for his own actions.

As time continued on, she began to see a side of the church she had been blind to before. She realized how much the other ladies in the church gossiped about one another, how nothing but a hushed reprimand was given when it was found out that Carl Grant had been laundering offering money, how everyone plastered smiles on their faces, and strutted their holy deeds before the congregation, while all the while feeding their hidden pet sins. Disgust began to grow in her, as she realized she was a part of it as well. She too hid a secret sin. Not even Derek suspected a thing. He thought everything was just fine.

Three months after the incident Hayley took a home pregnancy test. She had kept throwing up, and she felt off. Like something was changing within her. Finally, when she could deny the possibility no longer, she decided to take the test and see once and for all. When she looked at the end of that stick and saw the words, ‘pregnant’ staring her in the face, she realized she couldn’t hide it any longer.

            She took the test straight to the church and strode inside. There was a board meeting going on and she marched in, feeling angrier than she ever had before in her life. She walked up to Jaron and dropped the pregnancy test on the table in front of him.

Without waiting for him to respond she stated, “I’m tired of lying. This place is a den of thieves and you’re the biggest of them all. You stand at that pulpit every Sunday declaring judgment on the ‘sinners’ when you know full well the corruption that clings to this place. You make me sick. I used to think God had brought me here for a special purpose; I used to believe that you were a godly man. Now I know it’s all a sham. If you represent Him, then I want nothing to do with Him. I’m done with this place, I’m done with God. Goodbye. I hope you all burn in Hell.”

And with that Hayley walked out of the room, leaving them speechless in silence.

 Author's Note: Yeah, this was a lot longer than I thought it would be at first. It just came out. I'll probably write more on this...it's turning into a book. lol.