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onaipwolf

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            The air felt thick as she breathed slowly in and out, small puffs of breath, visible in the mid afternoon air. They stared at one another in the busy parking lot, neither one willing to speak first and let the building tension break. Finally, as the tension increased, he spoke first.

            “Hi, Hayley. I haven’t seen you in awhile.”

            She could hear the accusations behind the words, the bridled venom, but she chose to ignore it. “Derek. How have you been?” Hayley said, picking a neutral subject in order to avoid the obvious topic of discussion: why she had left without a trace three months before. She was sure he still held some resentment towards her for abandoning everything like she did, especially their friendship.

            “Fine.” Derek replied, continuing on the topic. “And you?”

            “Fine.” She answered back, avoiding his gaze, afraid she’d be caught in her lie.

“That’s good.”

They had reached the end of the subject and she watched him shift his weight uncomfortably. The movement was enough to make her speak again. “Well, I’ve got to get going or I’ll be late for a meeting. But it was nice seeing you again.” Another lie.

She smiled what she hoped was a genuine looking grin, and turned to continue down the street, hoping there wouldn’t be any more chance encounters with Derek in the future. In a city with a population of over a million, even this meeting had been unlikely.

He reached out and touched her shoulder as she turned to walk away. She looked back at him, surprised at the physical contact.

“Hayley wait. I’ve heard…” Derek blushed, faltering in his speech. He started again. “When you left the church…I heard…Is it true?”

Hayley’s chest constricted. Even though she knew the answer, she had to ask. “What did you hear?”

Derek blushed even deeper this time. He glanced furtively down at her, and she knew he had glanced at her now round abdomen. “I heard that you…that you’re…in some trouble.” He finished his sentence in a rush.

“And what would you care if I was?” She asked, an edge rising in her voice. She hated the fact that he couldn’t even say it.

“I-I just wanted to help or something.” He answered.

“Don’t patronize me.” She said her voice tense. She broke away from his grasp and walked quickly towards her car. He followed close behind. She pulled her keys out of her purse and glared at him, angry with his persistence.

“Hayley, stop.” Derek tried to take hold of her hand and pull the keys away, but she fought his grip.

“Derek. I don’t want to talk about it.”

He grabbed a hold of her keys. “You just left everyone. After you left a lot of people started talking about what happened to you. I tried to defend you, say you’d come back soon. You hadn’t just left the ministry to die. But you never came back.”

He looked at her, pain and confusion evident in his eyes.

Hayley took a breath, and looked at him. Obviously he wasn’t just going to go away. “I’ve lost my faith, Derek. How could I continue heading up the discipleship ministry when I don’t even know what I believe anymore? That place is so corrupt, and don’t even try to tell me it isn’t. God, I was even a part of it. Just look at me. Five months pregnant, and I’m not even married. When I took that position two years ago, I was on fire. I was going to start a revival. Then things changed. The more I did, the more I forgot about why I took that job in the first place. Finally when I found out about the baby, I realized how far I’d gone, and what a sham everything is. Now I don’t even know who I am anymore, or what I believe. All I know is, if, and that’s a pretty big if, God is real, then I’m royally screwed. But I’m just too tired to care anymore.”

The rant had left her breathless, and she could feel tears beginning to sting at her eyes. Stupid emotions. She thought.

Derek tried to give her a hug, but she shrunk back from the embrace. “Just come back, Hayley. Jesus loves you. You only need to repent of your wicked ways. Put your sins behind you.”

Taking the keys back from his hand, she unlocked her car door.

“I don’t need to hear that crap from you Derek. I don’t believe it anymore. You just do because you’ve been fed it since preschool. Once you repeat a lie long enough, it can look an awful lot like the truth.” She slid into her seat and started the engine.

Before Derek could recover from his surprised stare, she shut her door. She put the car into reverse, not allowing for more than a few seconds for it to warm up. As she latched her seatbelt, she pulled out of the parking lot. She flipped on the radio. It was some girl crooning about her lost love. She switched stations, but finding nothing better, changed it back.

What Derek had said left her fuming in anger. What she told him had only been partially true. She still believed in God. She just hated him.