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onaipwolf

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“Do you hate me?”

Such a simple question but mine was drenched with layers of trepidation.  I felt silly for asking it but once the words left my mouth I couldn’t wish them back in again. That’s the thing about saying your thoughts out loud: people hear them.

Josh looked down at me but I refused to meet his gaze. It was too painful to see his face. It was bad enough waiting to hear his words, but an insane part of me wanted to believe that if I didn’t look at him, his anger wouldn’t hurt so much. Or even worse, his false denial laced with tones of pity. 

“Look at me.” He whispered harshly as he cupped the side of my face in his hand, gentle and familiar against my skin. It was a touch of intimacy and it brought all of my shame to the surface in an uncomfortable rush. I felt tears stinging at my tightly closed eyes and I wished he’d just leave and get it over with. This anticipation hurt too much.

“I’m sorry.” I murmured, meaning it more than anything.

He pushed my head up firmly, and my eyes unwillingly travelled to his. “No, I don’t hate you. I love you.”

Then he pulled a gold ring with a black onyx diamond in the center. It was the same ring that he had given to me seven months before, and taken off again five months after that. Our promise ring. The tears began to flow in earnest as he held my trembling hand and slipped the ring back on my finger.

“But how after everything with that guy?” I searched his face for malice, but found nothing but love within his pale blue eyes. 

The truth in his face was almost too much to bear and I found myself becoming lost within it. I had missed him so much. The realization of how much was just beginning to hit me as I stared down at my now dressed finger. The cold metal was beginning to warm against my flesh, nestled in its rightful place.

“But why are you taking me back?” It still didn’t feel real to me. As happy as I felt, I knew it wasn’t what I deserved, and that left me feeling a little leery.

“You’re hot.” He grinned, knowing I was expecting a serious answer.

I found myself give a laugh beneath the tears.  “Oh, whatever.”

Somehow his shallow answer gave more weight to his acceptance to me than any heartfelt explanation ever would have, and I knew in that moment that whatever I had done, however he felt about it, he was taking me back. The revelation left me feeling stunned.

He leaned down and kissed me, my lips touching playfully against his. Our first since The Incident. I had feared that it would be awkward, but it was surprisingly comfortable, like sharing an inside joke with a friend. Secret and close, shared just between each other. He enveloped me in a tight embrace and I didn’t want him to ever let me go. I didn’t understand how or why he hadn’t just thrown me out and called me every dirty name in the book, instead of choosing to be with me. I had hurt him, badly, and he still loved me.

“I love you.” I said, tears streaming down my face now.

“I love you too.” He answered, and for a moment I picked up a hint of emotion in his voice. With those words I understood that he was making the decision to love me, despite all of my downfalls. It wasn’t just emotion anymore. It was serious. The revelation left me giddy and breathless, like I had just finished running. He was mine and I was his, and for a few brief moments everything was finally right in the world. If I could have I would have bottled up that feeling to cherish forever.

Oh Love what a mysterious and wonderful creature that you should stoop down and grace me with your sweet nectar.