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odie154

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Ben Dover was the height of cool. Nobody, not even the teacher would dare cross him. His windswept blond hair was streaked with brown as though someone had gracefully SHAT on his head. He was as bulky as a bull and in some places rumoured to be twice the size. His ego would probably match Hitler’s although smarts were probably the one thing that didn’t come in a package for him. As all bulky boys who happened to be cool, Ben Dover was a bully. In fact bully was an understatement if he came for you; you were as good as dead. To all his friends he was an idol, for all the girls he was a star and for everyone else he was like chewy on a path, just waiting for the right victim to stick to and drive mad.

And the meek shall inherit the earth. Ben Dover was to receive his just deserts and from non other than his own ego. “No, no and no!” shouted Ben, “I refuse to eat vegetables.” Ben’s mum Isabel Smell pleaded with her son but he flatly refused to eat the boiled green mush on his plate. “Ok, fine” shrieked I. Smell finally giving in, “but you will regret this, mark my word!”

“What a score” said Ben’s friend, Mei Dick, “no vegies? God I wish I were you.” Ben had wasted no time in informing the whole school about his absolute superiority over his diet. “I swear I will never eat vegies again” said Ben. This would be a phrase Ben would live to regret. After only one week of his new diet disaster struck.

It was 7:00 precisely and Ben along with all his class mates was attending the school social. Ben and his date were voted best couple and Ben was standing on stage in front of the whole school receiving his award. Then, it happened: pain swept through his body like a relentless wave. Ben could feel his bowels expanding with a sudden unexpected force. It felt for Ben as if a wild mare was trying to escape from his rear end, but it couldn’t happen, not now, not in front of the whole school. He held it with all the might he could muster, unfortunately for Ben this meant looking, well… as if there was something rather large coming out his rear end. Bens dignity had been dislocated and it was about to get worse.

With the air of someone on a mission Ben turned to streak off the stage, but it was too late. With the sound of a ten tone nuclear war head brown liquid exploded out of Ben’s rectum filling his trousers and running down his legs, The stench was unbearable. Ben was as still as a statue as he recovered from the shock, another bad move. Without warning the seams of Ben’s pants burst with strain as another, larger explosion covered the crowed with more rancid brown liquid followed by a loud uproar from the transfixed crowd. All Ben’s peanut brain could think of was how nice it would be if the ground opened up and swallowed him, and that he needed to find a toilet, quick.

Ben waddled through the crowd leaving a long trail of shit and renewed screams of disapproval. Ben felt deflated but knew that he must find a toilet; he hopped skipped and jumped to the school toilets. “Oi!” screamed the caretaker “you’re not going in there, you’ve been banned for tagging the place, or have you forgotten already?” “Please” said Ben through gritted teeth, he had always loathed Mr Boogertman, “this is an emergency!” “Sorry,” (Ben knew he wasn’t), “but rules are rules.” Ben knew when a cause was lost so he did the only thing he could, painfully and feeling his trousers still filling, he turned around and began the long, arduous journey home.

Three weeks later the school, St stuck-up of Assisi’s, was in anarchy without its formerly beloved leader. Ben had been incapacitated (on the shitter) for all of the last three weeks, rumoured to have worked through over 100 toilet rolls. He had gone to the doctors who could not find anything wrong with him until they said “you have been eating vegies haven’t you?” when they were promptly answered by Ben with a prolonged silence he was diagnosed and sent home. Ben has developed a new habit of going crazy whenever anything but vegies was offered to him as a meal.

Ben Dover will now share with us the morale of this story: “EAT YOUR !#^CENSORED LANGUAGE*%$ GREENS