the celery from Hell

One lovely summer afternoon I was playing beach volleyball with my friends Joe, Bob and Loblob the 4^th, when I heard a cry from further down the beach "Goober it’s time to go home you have to finish your homework!" "Awwwww! But mum I was just about to thrash Joe and bob in a game of beach volleyball!" I cry at my mum who is standing looking cross in a bikini which looks grotesque on her because It was supposed to fit a fit 12 year old girl and my mother is 32 and extremely fat with a mono brow. "I don’t care! Your homework is due in tomorrow and you still have to do 14 pages of work!" she yells back at me sounding cross "I don’t want your report card to say that you got an S overall for the term!" I really don’t want to work on my homework – I have to read up on the polugrayforensisideanoric method used to make celery explode. I grunt and walk away from my friends "Smell you later guys…" I mumble.

"Getting an S overall for the term isn’t that bad you know mum… All my friends get them." I grumble in the back seat of my mum’s car as we pull up in the driveway "Do you even know what S stands for?" my mum asks, "Super brilliant?" I say hopefully. "NO, S stand for STUPID!" yells my mum. "I really don’t like to have to tell my friends who’s sons get SD’s for their overall grades that my son got an S!" cries my mum – sometimes I think my mum doesn’t care about how I feel. Whenever I don’t get something done by the time limit my mum always goes berserk at me and tells me about how her friends snobby sons get Super Duper fantastic for all of their subjects. And that she always tries so hard to make me good and I always get things wrong and fail my subjects. I almost make a smart comment to my mum but I decide not to because she sounds pretty upset. Mothers are so annoying sometimes I think.

Later that night as I am having dinner with my mum (my father isn’t there because he’s late to get home from work again) I stare at my plate with a look of disgust "Must I really eat this gross celery mum?" I groan as I bring the celery closer to my mouth "Of course you do Goober it’s good for your and you need to get some more meat on your bones." My mother replies looking as if she doesn’t want to eat anymore celery herself. My mum all of a sudden looked a lot happier as a light flashed through the window "Your father must be I’ll go lock the door and you eat your celery. If the dog gets sick again I’ll know you fed the celery to him" she said gleefully as if glad to get away from her plate filled up with celery. As my mum leaves the room I glance left and right and then fling my celery into the bin with a spoon "3 points!" I cry gleeful as it bounces of the wall and into the bin. "I’m going to study mum!" I cry as I make my way towards the computer room that is painted gray and will make even a person having a sugar rush become bored. "To learn things that I’ll never have to put to the test in my life…" I groan as I look at the stacks of work that I have to do by tomorrow.

I have already finished 9 and a half pages and I am starting to become REALLY bored "To make polydidisthyjuice used for exploding celery put three kilograms of butter, an egg and a packet of seasoning from a packet of 2 minute noodles into a snot green cauldron. Add spring water and stir three times clockwise with a ruler and 23 times anti clockwise with a blue rubber chicken…" I moan as I tap my nails against the table. "It’s 3:00 a.m. and I’m stuck in a stupid room learning how to explode celery!" I say as my eyelids start to become heavy. Then I hear something that make my eyes wide open "Come men! Get moving! We have to attack while they are asleep! It’s now or never people!" screeches a squeaky little voice. What on earth could have just said that? I think am I just dreaming this or is someone or something OR lots of something’s in the house with me? Or am I just delusional? I poke my head out of the computer room door. I stare in horror as little tiny green men march out of the bin but are they tiny humans or something else? I stare for a while longer as the little people form groups. All of a sudden a horror idea comes to my head those are not people… THEY ARE CELERY!

I pinch myself to see if I am dreaming – I can’t feel it, so I pinch harder this time on my nipple giving myself a nipple cripple "OWWW!" I cry before I can stop myself all of a sudden all the little celery’s look up at me. I stare at them. They stare at me. And then a moldy celery cried, "Attack!" I quickly reenter the computer room.

I start sprinting away from the celery. How can this be happening I think, firstly celery doesn’t have legs and arms, secondly I only flicked one piece of celery into the bin and thirdly HOW DID THE CELERY GET UP TO THE WINDOW?

Many thoughts and ideas were running through my head. Did they use a ladder? No how could they possibly hold a ladder. Do they have webbed hands and feet? I glanced back at the army of vegetables. Nah they couldn’t have they keep tripping over as they ran and then the answer struck me and so did a piece of celery. I fell to the ground. Celery was washing over my body like ants on a dead insect. I finally saw the truth of how the celery got through the window – they had wings! In the sky small dots of green were zooming around patrolling the skies. But I didn’t care about how they got through the window anymore I was worried about the fact that they were ALL OVER ME!

I struggled as celery started torturing me, kid celery’s were pulling out my nose hairs and using them as skipping rope and the adults were tickling me under my armpits1 "Hehehehehe HAHAHAHA! No-n-n-n-no! Please stop! GWAHAHAHHAHA! N-n-n-n-no please stop I’ll do anything!" I cried, half crying half giggling.

TO BE CONTINUED...