Life in Preception

In the beginning it's always a picture like a para-mime. Looks one way but with time it transforms with different angles to take on different perspectives..unfortunately. What you first could see is not what you see now..looking at it closely. Who's to say who is doing things right or wrong in the given situation. Why do things change? It all is perceived per ones own feelings and turned into selfish judgment calls, these changes as we see them. Chaos appears in many forms there after. Tension is close behind all the time, hands on the throat. How do you stop a good relationship from turning that corner down bad street? How do two great people conflict each other to a point of ugliness and hurt? When do you let logic and common sense dictate what your gut feeling is telling you? When do you know if there's a lie involved or a few? How do you trust someone when the taste in your mouth is sour and you can read all the signs clearly? How do you know when you truly don't want to give up though? When you truly love? Love is the highest of tolerance. How do you just shut off?

Heartache is one of the most intense pains in my opinion. And it is said that we are responsible for our own feelings...I believe this to an extend. I believe that someone can greatly contribute to the hurt..whether you allow it or not. We are vulnerable beyound our controll, we will have pain that is directly caused by others doings, sayings and action. NOTHING we have control over. We suppose to chalk this up to, "It just didn't work out!" ? After all the good intent, the love, the ventures..the time??? Are we cowards to give up when we are tired, drained and feel that, that is it for us? And then try to understand certain behaviors..why do we act in certain ways? Why DO we? We have patterns that sabotage ourselves. Self destructive modes.

Whatever this all means, the answers that are out there or within us...All I know is I've been losing too much. I have a concept on what kind of person I am and what I am doing wrong in my life but I have endlessly doomed myself regardless of how strong I am or pretty or smart. My reality is different than what people might think it is. No one of course knows you how you know yourself..on the inside..only YOU know the real truth.

My truth is, I am a great person, I am loving, I am courageous, I am stubborn, I am attractive, I am intelligent beyond an average level, I am caring and giving, I am also selfish and relentless, I don't trust as much as I should, I am though very  trust worthy, I am my own person, I take care of my own self, I have a strong common sense, I am compassionate...I am one with a tremendous pain deep inside my core that has become all that fear that breaks me and all that is good around me..above all I am ME..in all ways that I only know HOW to be me..

and still, not significant enough to be...

AND not because of my insecurities or self doubt or because I don't strife to be better, stronger or bigger but simply because of the reality of my life... this is the at the highest frequency...the truth behind my being. I welcome change, I'm in search for it..I want to be happy...every one wants to be happy...BUT it's so damn hard!!!