Falling

I close my eyes and lean back. I feel myself falling, the feeling quite interesting, quite amazing. Freedom almost. The speed increases and a flash of fear enters my body. I open my eyes, and I'm not floating, falling, I'm plummeting into the dark abyss of depression, anxiety, horror, abuse, and heart ache. I can't stop.

I close my eyes and don't think about it. Why did I do it? I don't know, perhaps it was the thrill at the time, the enjoyment. Perhaps the 'persuasion' of others, or trying to fit in like others. Maybe I did it to stand out, to be different. Fear begins to take over.

Tears form at the edges of my eyes and I hope that the abyss is nothing bad, hoping that on the other side or at the end, that it's just happiness, perhaps another chance to try gain or to not.

Warmth, softness, tenderness. These are hands, kind, gentle hands that manage to stop my falling when others weren't aware I was gone. Floating, hope, happiness, calmness. It's all around and I'm pulled back out.

I meet the eyes of my saviour and no longer am I tempted to try the abyss free fall again.

Days pass by and I'm held, comforted, reassured, loved by this person. And with each day, I'm held closer and tighter.

One day, however, I'm left by myself, while this person runs an errand, and I feel something tugging. It may be my imagination, but when I turn around I find my past, my present, my fears, my regrets, pulling me. I look around for the him, but he's nowhere to be seen. The abyss...

I close my eyes, trying to block out the fear as I'm pushed in once again. I feel the coldness, the emptiness, and once again I feel a glimpse of freedom. And again as I start to plummet, fear fills my body.

This time I wont be saved. I know I wont. I fall faster and then warmth... Warmth, softness, tenderness. These are hands... Floating, calm, hope, joy, happiness, freedom... These are many hands.

My family, friends... him...

Love...