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missmadisings

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<div style="border:1px #ccc solid; background-image:url('/images/ray.gif'); font-family:arial; width:200px; padding:5px;"><center><div style="font-size:20px;"><a href="/story/missmadisings/43282">Crash [Chapter 15]</a></div><table><tr><td width="50"><div style="color:#2CC362; font-size:15px; padding-top:4px; background-image:url('/images/profratebg.gif'); background-repeat:no-repeat; width:44px; height:26px; text-align:center; font-weight:bold; vertical-align:middle; padding-top:8px; padding-left:1px; " valign="top">5</div></td><td><div style="height:100px;width:100px; padding-top:9px; background-repeat:no-repeat; background-image:url(/images/storyCover.png);"><a href="/story/missmadisings/43282"><div style="margin-left:9px; __padding:0px; height:90px; width:70px; background-repeat:no-repeat; background-image:url('http://www.testriffic.com/storyfiles/43282.jpg');"></div></a></div></td></tr></table></center></div>

+ 8	Two Months [1]
+ 15	Two Months [Intro/Tester]
+ 12	Unseen [Chapter 4]
+ 9	Unseen [Chapter 3]
+ 9	Unseen [Chapter 2]
+ 12	Unseen [Chapter 1]
+ 4	Fences
+ 29	It's Yours [Chapter 26]
+ 17	I Never Saw Him Coming
+ 24	I Loved Him. [Chapter 4]
+ 24	I Loved Him. [Chapter 3]
+ 16	The Letter
+ 30	I Loved Him. [Chapter 2]
+ 25	It's Yours [Chapter 25]
+ 28	I Loved Him. [Chapter 1]
+ 20	I Loved Him.
+ 26	It's Yours [Chapter 24]
+ 10	Dark Blue: A Romeo and Juliet Story [Chapter 3]
+ 21	It's Yours [Chapter 23]
+ 10	Dark Blue: A Romeo and Juliet Story [Chapter 2]

Repetition

 

I am still awake when Dad comes upstairs. I am sitting in my alcove. The moon is full. Like a spotlight. I block out memories that are trying to invade my mind.

 

I don’t hear the door unlock. I don’t hear it relock either. But I smell him. I smell that scent that has burned itself in my nose. My heart kicks into overdrive. The adrenaline is pumping. The memories are burning.

 

Dad grabs my shoulders. He forces me to face him.

 

His eyes are no longer vacant and emotionless. They are the eyes of an attacker. They are the eyes of a monster. They are the rape eyes.

 

Dad’s hand is over my mouth before a scream can form. Metal handcuffs are around my wrists before a fight can be mustered. The bruises are forming before the tears are. I know what will happen.

 

I shut my eyes. I feel the bed underneath me. I feel Dad on top of me. I feel my clothes disappearing.

 

I hear the handcuffs clicking around my headboard. I hear Dad undressing. I hear the condom packet opening. I hear the grunting.

 

My eyes are pried open. Dad is tying a string around my forehead. He is placing duct tape over my mouth. He is forcing me to watch. He is forcing me to be silent.

 

Dad removes his boxers. He pulls it out. The tears are overflowing. Dad slaps my face. I feel blood rising to the surface. Dad has slapped me hard enough to make me bleed. He is serious.

 

“You are going to enjoy this as much as I am bitch. You are going to do what I tell you. You are going to be my slave.”

 

Fear is pouring out of every pore on my body as I nod my head. The tears are still coming but there’s no way to stop that. Dad doesn’t notice. He is too busy with my underwear.

 

He is unlatching my bra. The screaming in my head is getting louder. My eyes are growing wider. He is taking off my panties.

 

He is looking at my naked body. The lust in his eyes is the only emotion distinguishable.

 

“You are going to suck me. You are not going to scream. If you scream or talk or make any noise other than what I tell you to make you are going to die. Understand?”

 

I nod. His hand reaches up and rips the tape off of my mouth. Skin clings to it, leaving my lips forever.

 

“Now suck.”

 

He thrusts it in my mouth. I suck. And suck. Dad is panting and moaning. I am hoping this is all that he wants. I am praying this is all that he wants. I am begging this is all that he wants.

 

“Moan bitch.”

 

I moan. And moan. Dad is panting louder and louder. I am hoping this is all that he wants. I am praying this is all that he wants. I am begging this is all that he wants.

 

This is not all that he wants.

 

Dad grabs my hair. A few strands part with my scalp as he yanks out of my mouth. The tape is back in place.

 

The torture is about to begin.

 

Dad lowers himself into position. My eyes are growing wider. My fear is escalating. My memories are pouring into my brain. My prayers are not answered.

 

And then it starts.

 

Dad is thrusting and thrusting and thrusting. And my body is tearing apart. And my soul is parting with my body. And my tears are flooding. And my head is bursting. And the screaming is growing.

 

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

 

But Dad doesn’t hear. Dad never hears. Dad doesn’t care. Dad never cares.

 

The memories take over as Dad’s thrusting keeps going inandout inandout inandout inandout.

 

I am eight and Dad is raping me for the very first time. I do not understand what is happening. I understand it hurts.

 

I am eight and Dad is raping me for the fourth time. I understand what is happening. I understand it hurts. I understand that it will always hurt.

 

I am eight and Dad is raping me for the fifteenth time. I understand what is happening. I understand it hurts. I understand Mom doesn’t know.

 

I am nine and Dad is raping me for the thirty fifth time. I understand what is happening. I understand it hurts. I understand Mom doesn’t know. I understand Mom is pregnant.

 

I am nine and Dad is raping me for the fifty sixth time. I understand what is happening. I understand it hurts. I understand Mom doesn’t know. I understand Mom is pregnant. I understand that it will stop.

 

I am nine and Dad is raping me for the eighty ninth time. I understand what is happening. I understand it hurts. I understand Mom doesn’t know. I understand Mom is pregnant. I understand that it will stop. I understand that Jamie is about to be born.

 

I am ten and Dad is raping me for the one hundred and second time. I understand what is happening. I understand it hurts. I understand it is the last time this will happen. I understand that as long as I live I will protect my new baby brother. I understand that Dad is a monster. I understand that I will never ever tell anyone ever.

 

I am fourteen and Dad is raping me right now for the one hundred and third time. I understand what is happening. I understand it hurts. I understand that it will end soon. I understand that Jamie and I are leaving. Tonight.

 

Dad is finished. My eyelids are bleeding from the string. My hands are bleeding from the handcuffs. In between my legs is bleeding from the abuse. My heart is bleeding from the betrayal. My mind is bleeding from the memories. My soul is bleeding from pain.

 

Dad gets dressed. Walks to the door. Winks. Leaves. I am alone. I am always alone.

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