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Stupid me...
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Stupid me...

Other Created on 1-21-08 Views(22) Story Rating G

I'm writing because I have an intense need to fill this paper with something.  I hope it doesn't end up being the same monotony that usually flows from my mind, though it undoubtedly will be.  I can't help but wonder if maybe I have no writing talent after all.  Each poem is the same as the last, and my stories take far too much effort to write, and once it's all said and done, I hate them.  I've been told I'm good; people saying they love my work, but only because they know that writing is all I have, and if I can't do that, my world just might crash down.  They don't want the weight of that guilt on their shoulders.  I think I feel my world crashing down right now.  I sit here in my PJ's using what little bit of light that's left outside to write this, as I drink a diet soda because I feel fat.  What kind of life is that?  It isn't one.  Usually when I feel like this, I revert back to not having a guy.  Right now, I'm so tired of being lonely that I refuse to need a man to complete me.  I'm simply done wanting.  I'm almost at the point where I say 'screw it all' and lay in bed being nothing until the earth ends around me.  I wish I could just wait dormant for that beautiful moment to arrive.  In my opinion, I've had enough of life, and I really don't need to see anymore.  I'm past the whole killing myself thing.  What I really want is to just disappear.  For all the worries and responsibilities of life to be gone forever.  I want to be meaningless.  That would mean the world to me.  To just be numb for a while.  Feeling is overrated.  The world outside my window is cold and gray, and there's a foggy haze over everything.  That's kind of how I feel right now.  Cold and gray and fuzzy.  Like everything has stopped trying to be perfect.  The world has stopped trying to spin.  In my head, nothing matters anymore.  It's as simple as that.  All the streetlights are hazy too.  Like they're only giving off light grudgingly.  Like they'd rather let the world sit in darkness, only because they selfishly need the dark and silence.  Me too.  I'm only grudgingly putting on this show: smiling at people and making conversations; pretending to live a normal happy life, but inside, I'm dead.  I'm hollow.  I'm forgotten.  People walk by on the street.  I can't help but wonder where they're going at eleven at night.  And it's cold out there.  The snow that everyone seems to love is stubbornly present, even thicker son the ground after the fall today.  I wish it would go away.  I wish it would get so hot the earth sizzles until it's nothing but a crisp, and all the reasons have been lost with the flames.  Since it's dark, I don't think I'm writing in between the lines.  But oh well.  That's just one more little thing to worry about when you don't want worry.  No one does.  No one wishes for worry.  They wish for happiness, and when that doesn't come, they wish to be numb.  Everyone hit that point eventually.  I just hit it early on.  Stupid me...

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On February 13th 2008 Toxxicduck Said :
Toxxicduck You just explained exactly what I have been feeling for the past two weeks. And Im dead serious. I feel like shit, Im not keeping up with school, I havent sketched in days, my poems suck giant elephant balls, and playing the sax uses up whatever energy I have left from the day. I want to crawl into get and sleep for days on end, only waking up to see if their is some good feelings there. And I even have started HATING crying, I used to love crying, it made me feel better, but now I just hate it. Really, you should see my wrists. I know telling you how I feel isnt helping you heal at all, but I just want you to know that there are other people out there who feel like you do, even your closest friends, and you definitely arnt alone in this world.