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kimmy626

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dec. 13. 07.

i refused a hug from zach.
memories flash from when he first asked me to hug him. that day...
i wish there was more like that between us, and there could have, and there was... but no more.
i don't know why i refused the hug from him, today was his birthday, i knew he collected old timey stuff, or antics [sp].
so i searched my house for something, and i found a pendent type thing that was over 85 years old. it was in pretty good shape, it was
missing it's back, but still in good shape
when i saw him that day, i wanted to make sure it was his birthday.
"today is your birthday?"
he turned and looked at me from the courner of his eye, i'm not entirely sure becuz when he looked at me i tilted my head down,
unable to look at him in the eye's, but i think a smile twiched at the end of his lips.
"yes" he said to me in his deep voice that made my cheeks burn.
     i had to fight my smile.
"ha! i was right!'' i returned my voice from hyper sounding to mellow, "happy birthday"
"thanks" he said, facing me.
"how old are you?" my friend brittany asked.
i glance to her then looked back at zach as he answered. "16"
i turned my head back to her as i began to nag, "dude! i told you earlier at lunch he was sixteen, cuz he's the oldest guy i've dated"
i felt zach's eyes at the back of my head.
"like i ever listen to you at lunch"
I turned my head back at dave smiling about sam's funny comment.
she was always like that, making every thing sound funnier then it really was.
     yeah, it's true tho. me and dave used to date. for about a week, before our commanding officer captain coon found out
an upper classmen was dateing an under classmen.
we were forced to break up. but our friendship didn't stop, it only grew.
i wish it never ended, but then zach mother thought i was evil. a ''gut'' feeling she had. which is stupid to go by.
even brittany, says so.
"if she thinks kimmy is evil and i'm not. then your mom is wrong, cuz i'm the evil one in this group." she would say. and she was right.
i'm one of the nicest ppl  you would ever find around in this small town of lockhart.
my bad, not town, city. we recently reached the population of over a thousand. by reaching a thousand... and two.
anyways, when she found me walking zach to his friends house, she banned him from seeing me at all.
which we haven't been doing so well. we work in rotc, reserved officer training corps, junior, since this is high school and we don't reach the real
corps. training untill colledge.
so i would still see him sometimes after school.
my last hug with zach was when i wrote him a note, and tried to give him a neckless but he refused it, which flushed me with embarrassment.
i still gave him the note, i told him not to open it in front of me cuz i didn't want to be there, i was too embarrassed by what it said.
when he refused the neckless i tried to make myself feel better from the embarrassment by asking for a hug.
"last one" he said with such a stern voice it scared me.
i didn't want the hug to end but it did.
     i walked away from him after that and tried to put on a fake smile. he sat looking depressed at our hangout table.
where this big group of hyper-active ppl got together and did what ever. be perverted, play hacky sack, or just be plain random.
what ever happened, happened. there was always a story to tell after our group got together.
i tried not to look at him, too ashamed. i couldn't help but notice tho, that he opened my note i gave him and started reading it.
i quickly turned and hid behind jenny,who was talking to her boyfriend, john, and leaned against a pole.
after i felt it was safe, i moved over to a spot on our table, on the other end.
dave looked at me in the corner of his eyes, i think he was smiling at me.

*just becuz you can't be my friend, doesn't mean i won't be yours, i dont' know about you but i intend to be a good one.

even if from afar...* is what the note said.

a thought came to my mind and i got up and walked next to zach, then grabbed my stuff (my binder and my book bag) and walked back over to
my spot on the table. i glanced at dave who's face grew sadden.
i felt guilty but i had to.
he muttered something later, i figured it was at me, so i moved away. later when i returned i saw he had a sketch book out.
he looked at me with his beautiful eyes, that were green, blue and yellow. i never knew why i couldn't look into them for so long.
he lifted his hand with a folded peice of notebook paper in it.
i looked at it with a specitcal face.
the light shown through it and i saw a shape. a heart drawn in the peice of paper, it was around from what i could see a cross looking thing.
i regconized it from when me and him dated.

     i was looking for something to draw but coudn't find anything, while him and his friends joked around in dairy queen, i looked at his neckless.
that he wore all the time. which were two nails welded together, with red wire wrapped around them.
i drew it and gave it to him when we had to leave the place. at last moment i took it back and drew a heart around it.

i smiled at the paper and in an almost whisper, exclaimed "oh yeah!"
he smiled back at me.
     to me weeks seemed to pass from the last time i hugged him.
i told him i forgot his gift at home, but then for some reason had a feeling to check my backpack, and sure enough there it was.
the 85 year old pendent. i took it out and awe'd it's glorious beauty.
i quickly ran to dave and gave it to him. and i explained some of it's broken features.
he looked at me again, i had to fight to not look away, i held my smile hoping he liked it.
he said "thank you" with such a smile and such a tone my cheeks redden more then ever.
he opened his arms and said "hug?"
i smiled and without moving my feet leaned forward to walk toward him before a flash back of his words echoed in my mind.

"last one"

     the words fluttered my mind and sadden me. i leaned into my origanal position.
i couldn't smile at him anymore so i let my old smile fade, and tilted my head down, i fought hard to keep it up and not look away.

he seemed to understand slightly.
"one more" he said in an undertone.

i was unsure of what to do. finally i figured, by his words, that i shouldn't hug him. i turned my head away looking down.
from there i don't know what he did.
and i left to sit on our round, red, hyper-active group's table.
i sat by brittany, who didn't really notice my presence being there. which i was glad by.
i wondered if zach was looking at me. if he was i would never know unless he told me, cuz i looked at the ground that entire time.
for the past few days i have long wished to feel his arms around me once more. and finally when i got that chance i turn it down.

why?

     i don't know... i still wonder if that was the right thing to do.
i left to follow sam as she left to go to the liabray, we laughed and joked then i ran back to the group.
i stopped by zach, i stared at him in the corner of my eyes then stared back down at the ground.
i looked back and saw he stared straight down at nothing too.
i poked him in the shoulder, untill he looked at me, "be happy" i said in a high pitched voice, with a cute smile trying to make him laugh.
"i am happy you just can't see it"
his words were sarcastic and they hurt me slightly. i made a funny face and shrugged oddly, which made him smile.
he turned away from me resuming his sad look.
      seeing no reason to stay i moved away and watched the group of hacky sack players, who kicked the hacky sack so high it got stuck in the tree.
above the table. peg, the fatty of the group wearing a blue shirt today, jumped up, grabbed the branch and pulled down to make it pop.
the hacky sack flew up into the air and came straight down into hickey's hands.
they laughed and joked about it for the next minute. even trying to do a reinactment of the ordeal.
they were a funny group, i tried a few times to play myself but hand eye cordnation was never my friend.
later i returned to zach, who stood alone on the end of a concrete slab covered by an tent like roof with no walls with round tables just like
our group had.
      he had half a foot hanging off the slab, and the other foot's heel connected to that foot's toe.
i asked him what he was doing.
he said he was buidling his balence, and explained how it worked.
i climbed next to him and tried to copy him, for a second i did perfect but then all of a sudden i fell almost completely over, i grabbed
zach's cammo jacket to save myself.
we laughed together. then i tried again, doing better that time. dave continued his explaination of the technique and i listened.
his mom came up (in her jeep like car, i never really ever knew what car was what, but i live)
in the middle of his telling, before he could even talk for a minute to me.
she honked repeatedly, i wonder if she was angry that i was standing next to him. finding no reason to stay while he was getting ready to leave, i
grabbed my backback, swung it onto my back and said good-bye to peg and hickey. i said bye to peg then hugged hickey, who laughed at peg for me
not giving him a hug. i went to go give peg a hug and he regetted it, then he yelled "OW" when my backpack poked him.
i have no reason why but i exclaimed "OW my face!"
"yeah i know your face sucks but still" said peg, i hugged hickey once again and while doing so i let out my come back.
"it's not healthy to talk about yourself."
hickey laughed once again and i walked away, running as fast as my legs would let me with my backpack flying around.

     when i got home, i entered through the window, why? cuz i felt like it.
i had my house key but i just didn't feel like digging through my backpack to take out my binder then search around in my binder for my house key.
i just walked around to the other side opened the window, lifted the blinds, called chris, my son. a.k.a. my cat.
who is just a teenager right now. but he's growing fast.
he jumped past me out the window and onto the yard.
we had a quick wrestle before i shoved my backpack into the window and into my room.
i soon followed.
      my dad called me on my cell saying what i needed from the store, i told him two more note books, thinking of my spanish class.
which consumed all my paper in my last notebook, and yet i knew nothing more then nothing in that class.
i gave up learning all together. i hoped next year would be better.
 when my dad got home, he soon began to bitch to me, i'm sorry for the use of that word, but it was the only word that i could describe NICELY
about his bitterness toward my free-will.
he would call the lady soon, and depending on what i said would depend on weither or not i would stay with my dad.
it was a matter of honesty.
my dad tried to fill me with guilt, by saying if they took me away from him he would stop going to dialisis for his kidneys.
which in such a case would mean death in due time.
 if i was honest with the lady i would've said something like "no, things have gotten worse, not better"
which would send me straight away from him to
a fost home or where ever they sended kids like me to.
      but with my dad trying to pull the guilt trip, which was pass down to me and works quite well, i feel... you guessed it... guilty.
and to be even more honest i am scared to be sent away.
I hate my dad with a great deal of passion, but in a way i've grown used to his constant bitching and almost expect it by now.
      i would miss him too much to go away but i'd be happy not to have him around me cussing at me for not doing what he wanted me to do.
what i chose was either happiness or friends. if i chose to leave my dad, i would more then likely be happy, i'd miss his company but i'd get over it
eventually. but i would have to leave my friends behind, which i hated to even think about.
the choice is really difficult. i don't know what to do.
or how i'm gonna do it.
     the rest of that day i spent doing nothing, other then taking care of scooter, my adoptive daughter, or ginnie pig.
and taking care of chris.
other then that i walked around out side in my neighborhood culdasack [sp].
where i thought about zach, dreaming of what we could be.
Imagining that he talked his mother into changing her mind and making it to where we could be friends again.
or even captain coon letting us go on and have a relationship. at one point i imagined me yelling as him telling him to get out of my mind,
and that i never wanted to see him again, that way i could forget about him and not cause him anymore pain.
      later i spent the time working one an old film i made a long while back.
i still thought about zach.
sometimes i wondered if he was thinking about me too, i highly doughted it.
he was a stud, straight sexy. every girl out there that has seen his face had a crush on him. even other men had crushs on him.
it sadden me when i found out one of my friends had a crush on him, not a minor one.
yes, i can be selfesh with my men. i don't like to share, is that my fault?
....maybe.... BUT STILL!!!