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jenni24014

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My story begins on a cold night in November. Everything was seemingly as it should be. My 2 year old daughter had gone to bed and was fast asleep but my 7 month old twin boys were particularly fussy and restless. One at a time, I carried them up the stairs and began my usual bedtime routine with them. I started off changing their diapers and putting them in their sleepers. Corey, the oldest by one minute, was sto tired he seemed to sleep through the whole process. However, Colin was just all over the place! The thing they say about twins is true. They never act anything alike and are always needing all sorts of different things at all sorts of different times!

Upon putting Colin's diaper on him, I looked down at him and he had a huge smile across his face. I didn't know what was so funny but it was so easy to laugh at him. Colin was such a sweet baby who never gave me any trouble. He spent the majority of his time just staring around the room, trying to figure things out. Sometimes I'd just stare at him and try to read all the different expressions on his face and wonder what he was thinking. His favorite pasttime was sticking his thumb in his mouth and blowing on it. Yes, BLOWING. Most babies suck their thumb, but Colin blew his. I used to joke and say he was playing his thumb as a trumpet because that's what it always looked like.

His older twin, just 1 minute, was the "wild child" of the two. Corey was usually the wound up twin, always crying about something. He was just never satisfied. Even when he cried to be picked up and WAS picked up, he'd want something else. It was almost as if he just didn't know what he wanted and you just had to go through trial and effort to try to figure it out.

I picked Colin up from the bed and turned to lay him down in his crib with Corey, all my thoughts just running through my head. At the time, I stayed with my grandmother so I kept the twins' crib in my room just in case I needed to get up in the middle of the night, which was quite often! Or, in case something went wrong I'd know or I'd hear one of them crying for me. I covered the twins' up with their blanket and turned to get into my own bed. As I sat down, they both started to cry. And cry... and cry..........

It's virtually impossible to soothe them both by holding them and trying to rock them to sleep so mother's with twins can only hope they can lull themselves back to sleep or... take turns picking them up and rocking them and trying to lay them down without waking them up or disturbing the other twin, or the other twin waking them up because they're probably still crying for your attention. I never was able to do this. I always felt like, even taking turns, I'd have to choose to comfort one twin while the other cried for me. Therefore, I'd talk to them both but never resort to picking them up.

Hours past.. the twins were still restless, still crying and by then, I was so frustrated I didn't know what to do! "Will they EVER go to sleep?", I kept asking myself. Finally, I just lay down and found myself being lulled to sleep. I continued to doze off in and out as their cries became weaker and softer. Finally, their cries were no more and my restless twosome had drifted off into dreamland. I was so happy I could finally REALLY close my eyes and not worry about going to sleep. That was always my problem with trying to go to sleep anyway when they were crying. I could always drift a little bit but I worried myself so much that I never could allow myself to sleep until I knew they were sleeping.

I woke up several hours later and was pleased to wake up the next morning! Most of the time, the twins woke up in the middle of the night but I had assumed that, as late as they finally went to sleep, they'd probably sleep through the night and they did. I remember laying in bed for a little while before I actually got up to start my regular morning routine with them. Living with my grandma, she ALWAYS got up with my little girl and did the morning routine with her so it made it alot easier for me to give my young babies my full undivided attention.

I began to hear the twins scratching on their mattress in their crib and I knew I no longer was able to just lay in bed anymore so I stood up and started down the stairs. I grabbed their bottles and their bowls and began to make their breakfast. Once I was finished, I went upstairs to collect the babies and bring them down to eat. I was near the top of the stairs when a chill came over my entire body. Something was wrong. You have to be a mother to know what this feels like and you don't even know THEN until it hits you.

My whole body was cold and the next few moments lasted approximately 10 minutes but felt as though an eternity had gone by. Upon reaching that top step, my whole life changed. All I could feel was a freezing cold all over my body as I entered my bedroom. Corey was whining. Corey had never whined in his whole life so that scared me so bad in itself. It was enough to tell me that something was wrong with Colin. I approached the crib and pulled back the cover that had somehow gotten up to Colin's head and was mortified at a sight which will always haunt my dreams.

His lips were blue and his body was dark pink. I screamed louder than I'd ever screamed in my life and picked up my baby's lifeless body and hurried down the stairs. My stepbrother was on the phone with his girlfriend and had to quickly hang up to call 911. As he spoke to the operator, I laid Colin down on the carpet in the floor and began frantically doing CPR. As I breathed air into his body, I saw his chest moving up and down and felt air come out of his mouth and I began to think that maybe I had freaked out for nothing. Maybe he was coming back to me.

Is he choking? Was he suffocating? I kept asking myself as I continued doing CPR. I stopped for a moment as the operator instructed and checked his pulse. Nothing. She then instructed me to put my hand on his chest to feel if it was moving up and down. No. Try to feel his breath from his mouth. No.... The only time I'd felt air was right after I breathed it in. Then I understood. His body just kicked out MY air. Not his...

I couldn't just accept it like that. I knew. She knew. Even my stepbrother knew but I couldn't accept it. My sweet little Colin who, just yesterday, was sitting in his swing, playing his thumb as a trumpet and staring around the room, trying to figure it all out. My perfect little child who, just hours ago, smiled at me when I finished changing his diaper. Gone?! Were they crazy?? It was all so surreal.

I did CPR until the paramedics got there and put an oxygen mask on his face. It was only when they arrived that my grandmother came in from outside. She'd been out there, doing, I don't even know honestly but she didn't know anything was wrong until they got there. When she came in, she was just as curious as everyone else to see if Colin could be saved. It's a strange feeling to know something's impossible and yet, trying to figure out how it's not possible and how to fix it.

I was angry at the paramedics. Why weren't they doing CPR? Couldn't they understand he wasn't breathing and needed to be?! HELLO!!!!!!!!!!! I remember the paramedic coming over to me and telling me was sorry but there was nothing they could do.. Colin was gone... "No!", I remember telling them. "Your job is to fix it!! Help him, please!!", I begged. His expression told me all I needed to know. "Then I will!!", I insisted. But my stepbrother and the paramedic stopped me. "I'm so sorry."

Sorry? Why are you sorry? It doesn't matter now. Nothing matters now. My youngest baby is gone and apparently, he's not coming back and you're sorry? Don't tell me that, please. It's so final. I spent the rest of that day on a rollercoaster of emotions. One minute I was completely blank, totally emotionless and empty inside. Other times, I was hysterically crying and sobbing on the floor, asking God, "Why? Why did you take him? All the while, you could've had ME!! ME!!!!! I deserve this!! Not my baby. He had just begun to live his life and I am just here. I've lived my life enough to give away for the sake of my child's life so why didn't you take it?!" It wasn't fair and I don't think it ever will be to me.

I find myself remembering all the times I'd rock him to sleep when he was a baby.. when it was just him crying and not his brother. He only liked one song of all the ones I tried out on him. Elvis' "I can't help falling in love with you". It's so ironic when I look back. Because I sure couldn't help falling in love with him. I still can't listen to that song without breaking down. I see his little face, staring up and me and smiling before drifting off in a sweet little sleep.

They called him a SIDS baby. That's what's left of my son's memory to the world. Just another SIDS baby, but not to me. To me, he's my little angel watching over me but I never try to guess what's on his mind. I've always blamed myself for not being awake and I've always wondered if he did too. If he loved me... even a little bit. If he knows how much it still breaks mommy's heart that her little angel isn't around anymore to blow his little thumb and remind me how cute babies can be when they're exploring.

I feel cheated. I feel empty. I feel so sad. But most of all, I'm just..... crushed.

In loving memory of Colin.... 5/1/04-12/1/04........ I love you.