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Why couldn't I let go?  Why had tonight, of all nights, triggered these emotions?  Why had Iain, of all men, made me feel more like a failure than I'd ever felt in my life?  I had practically run away from him.  Why?  Was it because of the way I felt about Kane?  Yes, but not completely.  It was about something else too.  It was more about me, and how I was afraid to let go.  

***

"He seems nice" Rachel's voice came from somewhere in the dark, relatively close to the window.  I nearly jumped out of my skin.  Then she turned on the light and chuckled, "I was eavesdropping on ye."

I exhaled, smiling, "How does that not surprise me?"

"Why on earth didna ye kiss him?" she interrogated testily, "I saw him lean down as if he was going to.  If ye arena attracted to him then who can ye possibly be attracted to?  He's perfect.  I was about tae jump out of this window and hit ye with a stick.  You are a silly girl, Ellen, silly.  No wonder ye never 'ave dates.  You're too afraid to do anything.  Willna give anyone the benefit of the doubt.  I dinna know how he was inspired tae ask ye tonight."

Normally I would have fought back at such an accusation.  However, if I fought back in this case, it would only be because I was going on the defensive.  She was absolutely right about me.  I feared what I yearned for.  So, I sighed unevenly in response, attempting another smile, trying to take her partial teasing well, but I could not bring myself to laugh.  Once she'd seen that I wasn't completely amused by her banter, she apologized.  

"Och, I'm sorry lass, I've said tae much.  I doona know him, after all, and I suppose ye are a smart girl and can make your own choices without me."

I smiled a little more at her unconventional admission, but my voice was shaken, "No, actually Rachel, you're right.  I am.  Afraid, I mean.  Afraid to plunge face-first into...something...anything.  I feel like my life is purposeless.  Have you ever felt like that?  Like you weren't meant to be good for something?  Sorry...I'm just being maudlin and stupid."

"Ach, come 'ere lass" she said, and reached out to embrace me.  "Ye're alright, tis okay.  We've all felt like tha' sometime or another.  It's like there is a ravine in front of you and ye see see your dreams flying far away and ye doona know how to ever reach them without falling to your death before ye get tae the other side, am i right?"

I nodded and started to cry, despite my efforts not to.  She squeezed me closer, which effectively made my crying worse.  

"Ye've got tae cross the ravine at some point, Ellen.  It may take ye longer than it has taken others.  Probably because ye've got tae much sense, and ye think about things tae much.  Aye, ye might fall if ye jump, or ye might be tossed back by the wind.  But there is one thing for certain, lass.  Ye canna tip-toe across it.  It'll take more than tha'. When ye decide tae do it, ye've got tae leap.  Tha' is the only way ye can find your purpose and face your fate.  It might scare the breath from your chest, aye, but when ye jump, ye'll be flying.  And flying, lass, is what life is all about."

I sobbed on her shoulder, shamelessly.  It was a poetic speech, but one the correlated directly with my problem, so I was moved indescribably by it.  "I want to leap so badly.  I just don't want to fall.  I don't want that to be my fate.  What if I can't do it?  Ever?  What if I can't ever do it?"

"Ye'll do it" she said as she rubbed my back, "and doona think tha' by hiding on the safe side of the ravine, ye can avoid your fate, lass.  It is as wild and undefinable as the wind.  It will find you.  If it wants ye tae fall, it will make ye fall.  But if ye're as stubborn and defiant as i know ye tae be, ye willna let it break you.  Ye will find good of it, and ye will try again.  Ye will find wha' ye are good for."

I was silent, painfully pensive, and let her speak. 

"I saw the way tha' man looked at ye" she changed the subject a bit, "Now he isna afraid.  He flies.  Ye should trust 'im.  He knows the way.  Ye need someone who will make ye do things ye've always sworn ye'd never do.  He 'as fire in his eyes, tha' one, and he could teach you tae fly across."

"I can't" I told her on another frustrated sob, "I can't trust Iain, not him, of all people he's like my polar opposite. He'd probably be the cause of my fall."

I could feel her smile against my shoulder.  "Aye, maybe.  But wha' a way tae fall."

I sighed heavily, disagreeing but not wanting to say anything else.  

"Aye, alright then" she said, "I suppose ye know the man better than I...and tis more important tae trust yourself than tae trust in someone else anyway."

I nodded, "I know."  Then I laughed through my tears, "Just when i thought I had everything figured out...I find out nothing has changed.  I'm still in the same place.  Achieving nothing."

"Tha' isna uncommon, love" Rachel said, enjoying her gnomic moment, "tha' is just life."

"Oh well" I added, "historians like to say the Medieval years were the Dark Ages.  But they forget that every success of the Renaissance and Enlightenment was a result of that dark period."

"Are ye tryin' tae say tha' your life is like the Dark Ages?" she asked me, brow raised, "Now tha' is uncommon."

We laughed, and then we were silent for a time, and then when I had dried my tears, I looked to her again.  "You're going to kill me when I tell you this.  Either that or laugh really hard."

"Weel, go on then, doona keep me in suspense" she said with a quirk to her mouth and her arms akimbo.  

"I told you that I couldn't trust Iain" I began.  "But, I didn't tell you that there was someone else I could trust.  And you won't believe me.  I've had nothing good to say about him...I don't know how it happened."

"Weel, gae on with it" she pressed.

"He's kind of...a forbidden persona." I admitted.  After such a conversation about how I was afraid pursuing things, I suspected it was not something she was expecting to hear.  Nevertheless, she was very interested in hearing more. 

"Forbidden?  Now tha' doesna make any sense, Miss Irvine.  How can ye na' trust Mr. Safe and Available tha' just left the apartment but instead trust someone forbidden?  Maybe ye arena as afraid as I thought ye were."

I laughed.  I knew it sounded completely out of the ordinary and unorthodox, but I had to get it out to someone.  "I can assure you, Kane is safer than Iain.  I trust him as I trust myself.  He is surely one of the best men I know.  He is just...against the law...if you will."

"Kane?  As in your professor, Kane?  As in the one I would sleep with in a heartbeat because he's so wickedly hot?  As in the one ye swore ye hated?  Och, in the name all tha' is holy, why dinna ye tell me?" She asked me, dumbfounded, looking like she wanted to kill me. 

I shrugged helplessly.  "I mean, I don't exactly like to spread it around.  It's forbidden."

She laughed, really hard, "Aye, it is, but for you, how perfect!  Ye'll 'ave tae jump now, either man ye choose."

***