When I Come Around 18

I was at Patrick’s house, watching a movie and sitting as close to the edge as I could without breaking anything. I felt so dirty and bad; it was an out of body experience. We were sharing a blanket on the couch while watching the Illusionist. I couldn’t focus though; I had the Anthony kiss on my mind.

How did I let that happen? How could he have done such a thing? Why would he suddenly spring that up on me again? Cassie and him must have gotten in a fight…Or maybe he meant what he said. Maybe he actually really did want to be with me? Maybe he’s been meaning it all along?

Crazy.

I waved away the thought and slicked my hair back behind my ears.

It was uncomfortable being with Patrick when I was thinking about Anthony. I was so bad. I hated feeling this way. Like a liar. Well, technically not a liar, I just wasn’t mentioning it…yet. Oh crap, how was I going to tell him?

“What’s wrong?” he asked eliminating some of the distance between us and putting his hand on my shoulder. I flinched at his warmth. “You’re tense.”

I laughed nervously. “Scary movies make me tense up…” I lied. Sort of. They did! But that was so not what was wrong at all.

Later on…

I had to confess at some point, but I wasn’t sure how or when. Plus, I had no clue of what I was going to say. I excused myself to the bathroom to buy myself some time. “It was just a kiss, it was nothing.” I told myself. “It meant nothing…”

I overlooked my reflection. Who you are pretending be?

Of course it was something. I’ve loved Anthony for a few years now. I’d had dreams about our first kiss since I was thirteen. You know, I even imagined our wedding together a few times. I always said it would be big and I would be the prettiest girl in the room. And standing next to me, would be my husband, Anthony.

I swallowed hard.

And now, do I have to throw those dreams away? Forever?

I know I should…but can I?

I stared at the ceiling, tears streaming down my face. This wasn’t at all the way I planned it.

 “Uh, Ms. Liz, you okay in there?” Patrick called out from the living room, sounding a little worried.

“Uh…” I dried my eyes and opened the door, forcing myself out of the bathroom. “Yeah.” I tried to say casually but it came out shaky. “Well, no.” I walked over by the couch where he was sitting in the blanket. “I have something to tell you.”

“Yeah?” he asked curiously.

I wobbled my way in front of the TV, he turned it off. “It might…it’s going to disappoint you. A lot…but hopefully, we can look past it.” My voice was thick and hallow and choked up.

“What is it? Liz, are you crying?” his face shriveled up with anxiety.

I breathed in and out very slowly, trying not to show torture in my expression. I couldn’t help but want to cry.

I waited.

“Yesterday…” I began. “Anthony showed up at my house and invited me to the park so we could talk. And we did. But it wasn’t pretty.” I fiddled with my fingernails because I couldn’t look at him. “We were yelling and fighting and going back and forth…a lot of emotions were up in the air and it was pretty intense. Things were being said right after the other and…I still don’t exactly know how…but somehow we ended up…sharing a kiss.” I held my breath until he spoke.

But he never spoke.

I let out hot air and glanced up at his face. From that second that I saw, I could tell he was hurt. And confused. And hurt again.

He was still silent.

So was I. I didn’t know what to say.

It was pretty much like a chapter of my life in silence, waiting for him to just say something. Anything. Because I needed to hear it. All of it..

I waited.

“How’d that happen?” He tried to sound strong.

My face got hot and my palms got sweaty. “I don’t know…It was just…” I didn’t finish. I stared at the brown carpet on his floor and swayed my feet against them.

He sighed. “Do you have feelings for him?” he peered up at my face.

I had to look up at him too. “I,” One tear. “I don’t know how I f-feel about him.” I looked down again at the carpet, too ashamed. Two tears. “He’s making it so, so difficult for me to be with you.” I had to tell him the truth. And only the truth. How long was I going to keep his guessing? And I knew he was. I think I knew that he was guessing how I felt about Anthony. I think he was guessing right.

He didn’t speak.

I moved my hair to the back of my head. “I don’t want to let go of you.” I whined. It wasn’t fair. “You’re such a good guy. You mean everything that you say and say everything that you mean.” Three tears.

“I love you.” He said stepping towards me.

I was shocked. “Patrick…”

“I’m saying it because I mean it. I do. I love you, Elizabeth.”

I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take the back and forth. My heart was breaking. I couldn’t take it anymore. “I have to go!” I swept across the room to my purse.

“Please, don’t!” he called after me.

“I just need some time to think.” I stopped, tears all over my face. I was weeping.

He ran up to me and grabbed me into a hug. He squeezed tight.

I wrapped my arms around him and wept even more. What was I going to do?

“Okay…you think about it.” He pulled apart and held onto my shoulders. “You tell me when you figure out.” His eyes told me he was hurt but he was willing to wait.

I nodded and left the room.