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iBlonde94

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I walked slowly to the door. The sun was setting now and everything was orange. I could see my scared reflection in the window of the door. I looked really bad, but hopefully he wouldn’t care. He never had in the past. I reached my hand out and was almost to the doorbell when a voice inside my head said,

“People change. Just don’t even bother doing this. You’ll only get your heart broken. He’s changed. He’s forgotten you.” There it was again. That nagging voice that always brought me down so easily. I stood there for a few more minutes with my hand outstretched until I finally dropped it and walked back to my car. I looked at Sonny’s house before I pulled away.

“He probably doesn’t live there anymore. He’s eighteen, forgotten about you, and gotten his own place where the girls come and go like there’s no tomorrow,” the voice said. I nodded my head as tears threatened to spill from the corners of my eyes.

I pulled into the McDonald’s drive-through and ordered a chicken nugget kid’s meal. I brought it to my hotel, which was on the beach, and ate it. It felt good to have something to take my frustrations out on. I went to the vending machines in the hotel and got everything I could. I ate it all quickly.

“Hey, fattie! Why would you eat all of that shit? I thought we were trying to look thin, not chubby like the rest of the short girls. What would Sonny say if he saw you pigging out like this? Go look in the mirror,” the voice said. I stood up and went into the bathroom.

Looking in the mirror, I saw a girl with pimples and scars on her face. Her ears stuck out so much from her head that she looked like a monkey. The worst part was the rolls and rolls of fat on her stomach. Just seeing that made me want to hurl.

I stumbled to the toilet and opened it just in time as chunks of my food rushed from my stomach, up my throat, and out of my mouth. They hit the water with loud splashes. I stopped and shivered. Tears ran down my cheeks. I always cried after I threw up.

“Get those pounds off, girl. There’s still plenty left to get rid of. Think of Sonshine,” the voice said. I controlled my crying and shivering and rose up on my knees. I grabbed a complimentary toothbrush off the counter and took a deep breath before shoving it down my throat. The chunks came up again. I stopped, cried, and did it again and again and again and again until I was dry heaving.

“You need a job, you worthless piece of shit,” the voice said as I curled into a ball shivering and crying even harder than before on the cold linoleum floor. The voice was right, though. I needed a job.

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I had gotten a job on staff with the Vans Warped Tour 2006. I was one of the few who got to go in a bus with other staff members to every single show. This was exactly what I wanted to do even though it didn’t pay that much. I got to go all over the country and listen to some awesome bands at the same time while getting paid. What more could I ask for?

Oh yeah, I guess I could ask for a word from Sonny or an ounce of confidence to find him. Confidence. It had never been an issue with me when I was with Sonny. Maybe all I needed to do was get over him finally or find him again to put things right. I guess things were probably okay with him, but with me, things are never all right. I screw everything up. I blow things out of proportion. All the time.

“Hey, Stacey!” someone yelled interrupting my thoughts. It was my boss, Devin. He had black, shaggy hair and the middle of his bottom lip pierced. Jumbles of tattoos were on both of his arms. “Snap out of it. We’re at the first stop, Columbia, Maryland.” All the other staff members were filing off the bus now.

I followed suit and followed them to the largest tent in the distance. I saw someone ride by on a bicycle. He had long black hair and was very tiny. He looked a lot like… No, it couldn’t be. I shook my head.

“Yes, that was him, and he went right past you. He’s onto someone new,” the voice in my head said. I didn’t need to hear this right now. My first day on the job and I didn’t need to go screwing it up with a nervous breakdown. I ignored the voice for the first time in a long while feeling a surge of empowerment.

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The last band was coming onstage right now. I was watching from the side of the stage that the bands walked off on. I wasn’t sure what it’s technically called because I get confused easily. It was definitely dark outside and the stage lights weren’t on yet either. When they came on as the song started, I nearly fainted. It was Sonny.

“Hello ladies and gentlemen, I’m glad you’ve graced me with your presence. You’re in time to see me wrestle with my conscience and staring in the s-s-s-silence,” he sang in his raspy voice. I remembered it from all those band practices I’d watch of him and his friends, but these weren’t the same guys or the same name. Maybe this is the moving I had heard of. Touring.

“This next song is one you all should know. It’s about a girl like no other. Here’s ‘Emily’ from our first full-length album when I was only sixteen,” he said into the microphone. My ears perked up. Sixteen would be around the time I left.

“Smiles and her laughter
It's the only thing that I've been waiting for a time
Regardless of our distance and our hope...grows greater
Trapped by pretty eyes and letters for all time
...the only thing that I've been waiting for.

I hope it's something worth the waiting
'Cause it's the only thought that I ever feel real
Thunder storms could never stop me
'Cause there's no one in the world like Emily

She's simple yet confusing
Her sparkling eyes make me weak at my words, they tremble
Days seem like years in this month of December
The winter coldens me for I have yet to sleep
And never will I give up trying 'cause you're everything to me

I hope it's something worth the waiting
It's the only thought that I ever feel real
'Cause thunder storms could never stop me
'Cause there's no one in the world like Emily,
There's no one in the world like Emily.”

Tears formed in my eyes. I knew in my heart that he wrote that song about me. He just happened to look my direction and locked eyes with me. His mouth opened in shock. He stuttered as he spoke into the microphone for the rest of their set. He ran off stage in my direction. He asked,

“Stacey?” I nodded my head. He gave me a hug pulling me close to his body. Even though he was sweaty, he still smelled good. It was a mix of cigarettes and Old Spice deodorant.

“Old Spice?” I asked as he let go of me. He blushed a little and shrugged his shoulders.

“I ran out of Axe. Wanna take a walk with me?” I nodded