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“Mom, I’m going to miss you so much!”

“I know. I’m going to miss you, too, but we can talk on the phone just like this.” I smiled. “And, you know, think of all the beautiful things you’ll see in Paris!”

“Yeah, but I don’t know if I want to leave home for a year!”

“Well, if you don’t like it, I’ll pay for your way back home.” My mom always wanted me to be happy. I would miss her, but I would be glad to see the sights.

“Okay, Mom, but I have to go. I need to call Andrew.”

“Alright. I love you.”

“I love you, too!” I hung up and dialed the number that seemed to be programmed into my fingers.

“Jenna. Hey.”

“Hi. You know, I’m leaving for Paris in week, right?”

“Yeah, baby. We need to do something before you go.”

“That’s the reason I’m calling.”

“So, what do you wanna do?” Andrew asked me half-heartedly.

“Uh, I’m not sure. I was kind of hoping to go out to eat. Let’s go somewhere romantic!”

“Well, how about bowling, and we’ll get food there?”

The joy faded from my voice, but, as usual, Andy didn’t notice. “Well, I guess that’s okay, too. How about Thursday?”

“Cool. Is it okay if I bring Tony along?”

There was something about Andrew, or maybe me, that made me unable to say no to his stupid request. “Sure.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The bowling turned out to be Andrew and his brother, Tony, drinking and watching me bowl. So much for quality time.

“Well, Andy, I got to go, but I’ll call you later!”

“Okay, he said, slinking further down in his chair. “See ya.” I kissed him and left. I blasted girl-power music all the way home. It wasn’t that I didn’t have a good time. Andy and Tony were always fun to be around, but I wanted to spend alone time with Andrew before I left, and rightfully so, right? Well, I know I wasn’t the only one who figured that was the best idea, because of what happened when Andy invited Tony to our date.

“Are you sure you want me to come along? Won’t I just be in the way?”

“No, of course not!” Andy was quick to say without consulting me.

“Okay. I guess I’m not busy. I mean, am I ever really busy?” He smiled his famous smile and wiped his blue hands on his smock. Just let me go wash my hands and cover this piece I’ve been working on.”

Anyway, when I got home, I finished packing all of the things I thought I couldn’t live without for a year. I was subconsciously planning not to stay that long, but I wasn’t sure if I’d change my mind. I was always one to plan ahead. The last thing I stacked on top of my stuff before I closed my suitcase was a small, silver stone my friend gave me for my birthday one year, the year my father left. There was an angel on it, and on the back it read, “harmony”. That was what I had needed at the time, but that wasn’t the only time I held the cold stone between my fingers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, once I had all my things packed, I carried my four suitcases and my pink, paisley duffel bag down the stairs one at a time until they were piled for Mom on the front stoop outside. She, of course, without a whine, carried my bags down the sidewalk and stacked them in the back of her SUV. We were planning on having a movie marathon that night, going swimming at the local pool the next day, and just hanging out, maybe with Andrew, the day and night before I left.

After Mom came back inside, she asked the question I was just pondering. “What movies do you want to watch during our marathon?”

“I’m not sure. I was thinking Rugrats in Paris, Le Ballon Rouge, from 1956, and Moulin Rogue, but I guess it’s really up to you in the end.”

“Oh that’s fine. I think it’ll be fun!” She smiled larger than I had seen since I told her I wanted to study art in France. “Plus, I was thinking, we can write down a couple places we see in the movies, even if we don’t know what they’re called, we can just write descriptions, and you can call me if you see one and you’re able. Or you could find out lots of cultural things about the place and report to me what you find out.”

“Yeah! You’ve got the best ideas.” I still couldn’t swat away my feelings. They were encircling me like a drunken fly. “But, I can’t help but think, what if I find someone…” my voice trailed.

“What? What if you find someone, what?”

“Someone I like better than Andy, or worse yet, that he finds someone better than me.”

“That’s not going to happen, at least, not the latter. I don’t know if you’ll find someone better than Andy. I honestly don’t know if there is someone better for you, but no man could ask for someone better than you.”

I hugged her.

“I can’t say that he won’t find someone more available than you, because-” She just stopped.

“It’s okay. You can say anything you feel, Mom. You can’t offend me.”

“Well, look at Andrew. I don’t think he has this loyability factor that we have.”

I giggled. “Loyability? What?”

“I made that up. I don’t know if he can be loyal to you like you have been all your life, like I have always been.”

“I know. That’s why I’m scared.”

“Well, baby, if he can’t see what I see, he’s not worth our time.”

I had to lighten the mood again. “Our time?” I laughed.

“Yes. Our time. If he’s part of your life, he’s part of mine.” She was right.

“You’re right.” She grinned a knowing smile. “So, let’s go rent some movies.”

“Okay. I’m driving.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning I woke up on the floor with my head resting on my mother’s feet. Mom was sitting upright on the couch with her head tilted to the side and her mouth open, breathing softly. I stood up and gingerly tilted my mother’s head upright to try to prevent neck pains, if I could. Even with as gingerly as I had done this, Mom still woke up.

“Hey-oh!” Mom winced and grabbed her neck. “Oh, I slept on that all wrong!”

“I tried to fix it, but I was too late.” I laughed. She started to laugh with me. Well, we don’t have to go swimming or out to eat till you feel better.”

“Well, we could just go ahead and have Andrew over today and tomorrow.” Mom was really trying to make everything easy for me.

“That’s cool. I’ll call him.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Yeah. Well, can’t you come today and tomorrow?-Okay.-Alright.-See you when you get here.-I love you, too!”

“So?” Mommy asked when I hung up.

“Well, he’ll be here in 10.”

“He lives 20 minutes away. Where is he?”

“Where do you think?”

“At Tony’s?”

“Bingo. Anyway, he’ll be here soon.”

“Alright. I’ll go make some cookies.”

Always thinking of me… that’s Mom. “Thank you, Mommy.” She smiled that knowing smile again and walked out of the room.

At 10:30, the doorbell rang. I opened the door. “Hey baby!” Andrew came in the door and pinched me. I really wished he wouldn’t do that in front of Mom.”

“Hey. Sorry about being a tag-along again.” I was shocked. Tony walked in just after Andy.

“Tony? What’re you doing here?”

“Andrew wouldn’t let me stay at home. He said I needed to get my head out of the painting I was doing. To be honest, I was starting to feel like I was in a gondola in Venice.”

This was too much for me to bear. Why had he brought Tony again? “Andy, I need to talk to you for a sec.”

“Okay. Tony, can you go sit on the couch?”

“Yeah. You guys just let me know when you’re done talking.” He scratched his bearded face with his manly, close-cropped fingernails. One couldn’t help but find him charming.

“What is it, punkin?” Andrew kissed my forehead.

“Are you clueless?” I demanded angrily, but I was whispering. “I’m leaving in two days! Why do you keep bringing Tony to all of our things.”

“Things? When did we start calling our dates things?” He grinned.

“Stop changing the subject. You know I like your brother, but why does he have to be with you every second of every day?”

“I just-” He sighed. “I just feel like I should spend more time with him after what just happened. He needs me.”

“I know. I know he needs someone, but so do I. I need you. We need each other. Has it not dawned on you that I will not see you anymore after I leave in two days for a whole year?”

“Yeah, but, I just-” His shoulders drooped. “I guess I have no excuse. I won’t bring him tomorrow.”

And he didn’t. We spent most of the day on the couch together watching movies, and talking. It was the most we’d talked in quite a while. I enjoyed myself so much, but, of course, a couple of times, the subject of Tony found its way into our conversations. “How do you think Tony is doing?”

“Well, Andy, I think Tony is doing just fine. He’s probably painting a lovely sailboat or a jar of Prego as we speak.”

“Yeah, but do you think he’s feeling lonely?”

“Yes. Artists feed off of these feelings. He’s using his loneliness for the betterment of mankind, which is much more than most of us can say, so I think it’ll all be alright in the morning.”

“You’re right.” But he didn’t stop there. “But does he want to be lonely?” As if I should know.

“Of course not. No one wants negative feelings, but you can’t just forget about your feelings. You have to address them, and I think your brother is wise enough to do that on his own. The grieving process is over, and now he wants to paint out the rest of the blackness.”

“Thanks. I needed to hear that.” A gentle kiss brushed my lips, and all I could think was how I’d earned that one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Are you sure you have everything? Your stationery? Your favorite hairbrush? Your teddy bear? Plenty of underwear? Lots of belts? Your-”

“Okay! Mom, I got everything. Calm down. Breathe. Goodness, that’s the 18^th time you’ve asked about everything.”

“Sorry, but I can’t help it! What if you forget something?”

“Then, I’ll buy another one when I get there.”

“I guess you’re right.” She still had things to say. I needed to board the plane, but she wasn’t letting me go until she was ready. “If you need money,” she said cupping her hands around my arms and gluing her eyes to mine, “just call me. I’ll wire what I can as soon as I can.”

“I love you, Mom.”

“I love you, too!” Mom kissed my forehead and sent me on my way.

Being on the plane was really strange. I was alone for the first time in a month, I mean, truly alone. It was strange just eating peanuts, listening to my favorite songs, and knowing where I was headed. I was headed to do independent studies in a country I had barely learned about while taking French class. How would I communicate with people who didn’t even speak my language?

Suddenly, someone busted my thought bubble. “Can I sit here?” It was a teenage girl with too much makeup on.

“I don’t see why not,” I said, really wishing I could learn to be assertive without feeling mean. “Did your parents make you mad?” I asked, pulling my ear buds out.

She just opened up her teen magazine and rolled her eyes.

“You know, I didn’t have to let you sit here!” There it went. My heart felt cold as ice.

She rolled her eyes again. I started to feel less guilty about my comment.

I moved back into position with my iPod turned back on. Eventually, she went to the bathroom and never came back to sit next to me. Guess she found some other helpless, unsuspecting stranger to plop down next to. I was just glad I didn’t have to try to pretend I didn’t notice her anymore.

Eventually, we landed, and the driver I had arranged to pick me up was waiting for me. “Hi, I’m Jenna!” I shook his hand. With one swift “up” motion and one swift “down” motion, he pulled his strong hand away.

“How very lovely! My name is Jean-Paul.” His white hair glistened in the beam of sunlight that shined through the windows above.

“So, I’m really glad you speak English, because I was paranoid about not knowing what to say. All I really studied about before coming was currency!”

“Oh, okay. It is fine. You’ll be fine, that is. You will be staying in a hotel run by an American family in a town where mostly American tourists stay.”

“Oh, that’s a relief!” I said with a giggle. His accent was funny to me. When he said “tourists”, I almost lost it. “How long will it take by cab?”

“Well, if traffic is not so bad, it will be an hour and a half.” How he said “half” was funny, too. It sounded more like “eff”.

“Alright. Thank you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Well, honey, this is your stop.”

“Thanks so much.”

“As your cab driver, this is my job.”

“Goodbye!” I said, opening the door to the cab.

“Farewell, my lady.” I got my things out of the trunk, all seven bags, one at a time, and took one to the door of the tall, stone building, waving another farewell to Jean-Paul. He drove away, leaving my six other bags lying, rather lonely-looking, behind. I set the suitcase I had carried to the door down and went back for the second, and the third, and so-on.

Eventually, all my bags were on the front stoop with me, and I was rather tired. I decided to wipe the sweat, and as much of the exhaustion as I could, off of my face before I rang the doorbell. When I felt confident that I didn’t look like I had just been working out, I rang.

A short, plump woman with rosy cheeks and a bun on her head greeted me. “Hello, dear! I’m Rena, the owner of Bella Inn.” She had no accent. Not one that was noticeable to me. “I see you’ve met my husband, Jean-Paul.” She was motioning behind me. I felt like such an idiot! He was probably standing right behind me the whole time I was preparing to ring the doorbell.

“I would’ve helped you with those bags if you would’ve given me a chance to park first!” he said with a chuckle.

“Oh, I-” I realized I didn’t know what to say. “Well, it was no trouble.”

“No trouble?” he said, grunting, as he picked up one suitcase with each hand. “You know, you can buy bricks in France, right?”

I laughed and stepped out of his way. “Yes, but most of my bricks have special meaning. I couldn’t leave them behind!” It was a dumb joke, but it was the best I could think of.

Finally, with lots of help from Jean-Paul, all my things were in my room, number two, and I was sitting on my bed-for-a-year. Jean-Paul was sitting on the chair across the room.

Rena had gone back down to begin dinner, which was to be served at precisely 6:15, so I thought this was the best time to ask Jean-Paul about the family. “Jean-Paul?”

“Please, my lady, call me JP. Jean-Paul is so exhausting!”

I almost ignored him, but I made a mental note of his request. “I thought you said the inn was run by an American family.”

“It is. An American family and the mom’s new husband, the cab driver!” He laughed. I did too, on the outside.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you were part of this ‘American family’?”

“Did not seem important.” He paused for a moment as though justifying himself to his own. “Well, it is six now. I’m going to dress for dinner.” I still had some things to figure out. Did Rena’s children work here? How old were they? Who were the other guests? Were there other guests?

I figured I had a whole year to figure out most of that stuff. “I think, if it’s okay, I will opt out of dinner tonight. I’m not very hungry, and I’m tired. Plus, I need to unpack.”

“That Is fine, my lady.” I noticed he said “my lady” a lot. It was a cultural thing, I guessed.

“Thanks again for everything.”

“It was my pleasure!” He smiled and left my room, and for a moment, it was completely silent. I enjoyed that silence. But soon, the silence became too much. It made me think. How was Mom doing? Should I call her? What time was it in America right then? Would Mom even be awake? Why wasn’t I wondering about Andrew? Why was I thinking about Tony? Cute, cute Tony. There it was again. I needed to call Andy, no matter what.

“Hello?” He was sleeping. I could hear it. “Who is this?”

“It’s me, baby. I’m in Paris!”

“Congratulations. I’ll talk to you in the morning, dear. Goodnight.” Dial tone.

I sighed. Mom was always glad to talk to me. “Hello?” She had been asleep too.

“Hey, Mom. I’m here!”

“Oh, that’s great news! I’m so glad to talk to you! Oh, goodness, I miss your liveliness! Where are you right now?”

“I’m at the inn. It’s dinnertime,” I said noticing 15 after.

“Do you need me to let you go?”

“Oh, no. I told them I’m not hungry.”

“Told who? You should eat, you know.”

“I know. I’m just not that hungry.” I didn’t want to tell her I was feeling kind of sick. She would worry too much. “Plus, I need a shower and to get settled in. Tomorrow is my only day off, and then I go looking for some type of studies.”

“Alright, well call me if you need anything.”

“Okay. I will.”

“One last thing. Did you remember to bring ‘lady things’?”

“‘Lady things’?” I asked with confusion. “Oh! Yes. Of course! I’ve gotta go. My things won’t unpack themselves, you know!”

“Alright, bye!”

“I love you, bye.” I hung up quickly and hopped off the big, soft bed. I turned around the chair JP had been sitting in to face me and looked in the mirror with horror. There wasn’t any way, was there? I had forgotten “lady things”, but that wasn’t the worst of my problems. I hadn’t needed “lady things” for longer than I was comfortable admitting. I hadn’t even noticed. Boy, was I ever dumb! Tomorrow, I would go get some lady things of a different kind, and pray not to see results.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A knock at my door. “Lunch is about ready.” I didn’t answer her. “Are you alright, dear? You seemed fidgety at breakfast, and you’ve been in this room ever since you got back!”

“I’m fine, Rena. Just a little headache, that’s all.”

“Okay, but I want you to come down and eat lunch. You don’t get a choice. It’s unnatural, your eating habits!” Stated like a true mother.

“Okay, I’ll be down in a minute!”

“Okay, hon. Just checking!”

There I was on foreign soil, my worst fears just confirmed over a French-English dictionary and a cup of coffee, and all she was worried about was whether or not I was going to come eat a meal with her and her husband and her only son, Jack, who happened to be a dog! I might as well never eat again! Andrew would not make a good father, and if I was being honest with myself, I didn’t even love him. Heck, I was starting not to like him! What in the world could I do?

I knew Mom would be there for me no matter what, where, how, but I still didn’t want to tell her. I mean, she would be so disappointed, whether or not she let it show. And, oh my gosh, Andy! How would I tell Andrew that he was to be a father.

I put on a sweater to cover the coffee stain on my white blouse and headed down the hardwood stairs to eat a restless lunch. There were no other guests, just me and Rena and JP at the table. How fun! Knowing JP and his insightfulness, he already knew. He knew before I did, I was sure of it! Of course, I was just being silly. No one’s psychic here. I decided, on my trip down the stairs that I would call Jessica when I got done with lunch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So, what is eating you, our lovely guest?”

“Well, JP, I’m still not feeling particularly well, and I need to call a friend.” I wanted to call a friend, but who did I have?

“Honey,” he said, turning to Rena. “can’t she just go upstairs? Why do we have to make her eat when she doesn’t feel good?”

“I don’t care, I just thought she was tired. If she’s sick then she’s free to go.” I could tell she still wasn’t pleased. I must not have been as cheery as some of their other guests.

“Thank you sir and ma’am. I’ll come down for dinner, I promise.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I knew I would have to tell JP and Rena sometime. They were my housemates, so I couldn’t keep it from them. Better now than later. No reason to wait.

“Rena, JP, can I talk to you for a second?” I wasn’t sure why I asked. We were the only ones at the dinner table.

“What is it, dear?” Rena asked, scooting away from our previous conversation and clearing my plate.

“Yes, what?”

“Well, I-” I wasn’t going to beat around the bush. I tried not to hesitate. “I’m pregnant.”

“Oh! That’s the best news I’ve heard in a while! That, paired with the news of a new tenant makes this the best day I’ve had in a while!” JP was extremely happy, as was Rena. They showered me in congratulations all the while never asking a single question. They were private people, I found out when I tried to ask them about their personal lives, and I guess they felt I deserved to be treated with the same respect they enjoyed.

“New tenant?” I asked.

“Yes, he is from the states, just like you!” Rena said. “He’s a man about your age, I guess from his voice,” that made no sense to me, “and he’s an art student just like you!”

“Good! Maybe he can help me find some inspiration in this place. I don’t think, besides a trip or two to the store, I’ve been outside this building!” But I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about the conversations I had had with my mom about Andrew and faithfulness. I felt I had already cheated on him. I needed to call him immediately.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hello?”

“Hey, baby! It’s Jenna!”

“Hey. I’m expecting a call from Tony. He’s supposed to call me. It’s real important. Can I call you back?”

“Do you have this number?”

“No I’ll call your mom and get it when I’m about to call.”

“Okay?” I said with confusion.

“Love you, bye.” I didn’t have a chance to return the salutation.

“Bye.” I said aloud to myself. What was his deal? Tony was so much more important to him than me? Why? I had to be dreaming. With this latest development and the pregnancy. That day seemed so surreal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Surprise, surprise! No call back from Andy. I knew, even though I didn’t want to, what I had to do. “Andy?”

“Yeah. What is it baby? I’m sorry about last night. It’s just that Tony was inspired-”

Something welled up inside me. I didn’t want to listen to any of his excuses anymore. This one, so far, didn’t even sound like a good one. “Listen, Andy, I’m so sick of all your bull. It really makes me tired. I’m really far away from home. I have been for four days. You don’t even have a number to reach me at, I’ve called you twice, and both times, you’ve practically hung up on me before two minutes was up. What is going on?”

I could hear his speechlessness. “I’m sorry, but-”

“No more buts. This time, I’m hanging up on you!” I slammed the phone down and immediately began crying. Then, I played some Kelly Clarkson lyrics in my head over and over. I wiped my tears and looked in the mirror. Who was I? Just a week ago, I couldn’t even tell my boyfriend that I didn’t want his dang brother to go on dates with us, and now, I was telling him off and hanging up on him. I kind of liked it, but losing your mind is bittersweet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“He’s here!” Rena’s enthusiasm was apparent. She loved having guests. This guy was to stay here for a year as well. I was intrigued at the idea of an artist from the states coming to stay, but I wasn’t too intrigued. I wasn’t going to go down and meet him at the door or anything. He’d just have to find out about me at dinner. That is, if he didn’t opt out of it. I half-way chuckled at this thought.

Being alone in a room just bigger than a one-bedroom apartment for almost a week was enough to make anyone stir crazy, and I was really itching for some sightseeing. I was shocked at myself. Here I was in one of the most beautiful countries in all the world for about a week, and I’d been cooped up, by choice, mind you, the whole time. I was reconsidering not going down to say hello. Maybe we would sightsee together before dinner.

Walking down the stairs, I saw his figure at the door. He was tall with dark hair and a nice body. He was carrying three suitcases, and that was it. The lighting was horrible, but I was already crushing. He could’ve been a dogface, and I wouldn’t have known--or cared.

When he finally stepped out of the shadow the bookcase was casting, I gulped, gasped, freaked and ran back to my room unnoticed. No way! Why hadn’t Andy just opened his chicken mouth and told me Tony was coming? Maybe I didn’t give him a chance? I couldn’t remember, but that wasn’t important anyway. I was to be here with my boyfriend’s brother for a year, all the while getting fatter and fatter as my pregnancy progressed. This was quite a problem.

He would have to find out I was here eventually, but how would I act? Should I tell Rena and JP not to tell him about my pregnancy? Had they already? Fear rose up in my gut like somebody was in there rubbing the lining of my stomach with a toothpick. I nervously picked at a hangnail. Man, that hurt.

“Jenna! Come down and meet the new guest!” Thanks Rena.

I waltzed down the stairs trying to look natural, but I wasn’t quite sure I was accomplishing that. When I got to where he knew I could see him because he could see me, I tried to replay some of the shock I had experienced just minutes earlier, minus the fear. “Tony! What are you doing here?” Should I hug him?

He answered that with a warm yes by taking my in his arms. “Hey! I didn’t know I’d be at the same inn as you! You inspired me to do an independent study in France!” What’re the odds?

“Wow. Well, I’m glad you’re here,” I had lied. “I need a little help getting started, and there’s no one else I’d rather work with on this than you!” He smiled. I had truthed. “Well, Andy tried to keep me at home, but I told him I was fine!” He didn’t seem to know my secret. Either that, or he still hadn’t put two and two together.

“Yeah, he’s been really worried about you lately.” It was then that I realized we were all just standing there, Rena and JP included, with us as the show. “Uh, here, let me carry one of those bags.”

“Never. I’ve got it. My grandpa would smack me for letting a lady work so hard!” Italians!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was sitting on my bed just after getting ready for breakfast the next morning. Should I ask Tony to go sightseeing with me? Then, I thought about the other things that had happened in the past couple of days. I was pregnant. There was no way around it.

While still contemplating breakfast, everything hit me. I was going to be a mother. Just a week ago, I was a daughter. Now I was a mother. The whole world was spinning around my head. I pulled my harmony stone from my bedside table drawer and rubbed my fingers over the small, smooth figure of an angel. I ran the tips of my fingers through the letters on the back as well. A tear slid down my face as many times before while I was holding this thing so dear so my heart.

I couldn’t keep this from my mother. There was just no way. I’ve told her everything forever. How could I begin lying right now? I knew it would be nearly impossible, but my desperation was greater than my loyalty. Plus, if I told Mom, she would make me tell Andrew, and I would probably be trapped with him forever--my worst fear.

I began to feel trapped. My throat was closing up and my hands were getting numb. It was either spend the rest of my life with Andrew (whether married to him or not) or give up my baby. Those were my choices. Abortion wasn’t a question, and I really didn’t want to do the whole adoption thing, but I wanted to be with Andy less. I knew what I had to do. Once again, I dug my French-English dictionary out of my pillowcase and got the phonebook from the bedside table.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Jenna. Open the door, it’s me, Tony.”

“Hold on a sec!” I hung up the phone (luckily I was finished with what I was arranging), and ran to the door. “Hey!” I said eagerly swinging open the door.

“Hey.” His tall frame pushed into the room. “What have you been doing since you got here?” He asked as he sat down in what was becoming my Guest Chair. I was really nervous. He was sitting right next to the trash can that held my empty pregnancy-test box.

Why hadn’t I put it somewhere else? What was I, stupid? “Nothing much yet. I’ve just been relaxing the past few days. What about you? You really came on short notice, didn’t you?”

“Well, yeah. Andrew was driving me crazy.” Despite the revealing garbage that Tony could spot at any time with a turn of his head, I was beginning to feel more comfortable. It was like times before Adrienne died.

“Yes, how is Andrew?”

“Good, I guess. When he told me the news, I couldn’t believe it.”

What was talking about? Our little spat? Did he call Tony to talk about it? “Which news?” I said with a laugh.

“About you guys. About you guys breaking up.”

I was floored. What?!? I had to pretend to be in-the-know to find out what was going on back home. “Oh, yeah. Well, it was…” He was always one to try to finish a sentence wherever someone left it hanging.

“It was going nowhere. You guys had chemistry, but that wasn’t enough. Personally, I think you deserve more.” There was promise in his pretty, brown puppy eyes.

“Well, is he doing okay?” I knew he’d get what I meant.

“Yeah, he’s got this new girl. She’s, um…”

“She’s what?” I crossed my fingers. Please say ugly, please say ugly, please say ugly.

“She’s like a supermodel.” Dang! “She’s tall and tanned and too skinny. It’s kind of sickening. I told him I didn’t like her and that I was going to Paris. Not because I didn’t like her, but because I needed to get out of town for a while. Out of the house my wife died in.”

“Yes, I understand.”

“Yes, and he told me not to stay here, so I figured you were staying here, so this is where I went.” We laughed. “I swear, sometimes, I would like to strangle him.”

“Me too,” I mumbled, and all this just finalized my decision. I knew what I was doing.

No, I was not planning to kill him, but that might be good for everyone. I would, however, have to tell Tony eventually, so I decided, now, to test the waters.

“Tony, wouldn’t it be weird if Andrew and this supermodel had a baby together?”

“You bet it would be weird! Andrew as a dad? This leggy skinny, little thing as a mom? Somehow, though, I don’t think it’s that serious. It’s all about the you-know-what!”

I knew-what. “Tony, do you think Andrew would like being a father, or that he would be able to do the job?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. Why all these deep questions?”

What should I say? Should I tell him? Should I come up with some generic reason? “I don’t know. I’m just trying to understand Andy better.”

“But-”

“Do you want to go sightseeing today? I haven’t really been since I got here. I’m pathetic!”

“Sure. We need to get inspired.” He pointed at his t-shirt which was black and simply sated, “GET INSPIRED!” It was the shirt they were giving to all the actors in the play that started it all. I had one myself, but mine actually had more paint on it than his did.

That summer, I had just graduated high school, and had just turned 19. I wanted to be in the play at the theatre downtown. My only competition for the lead role was Adrienne, who was a member of the drama club held in the theatre. Her fiancé, Tony, was the background painter.

Anyway, the lead role did not go to me. Neither did the guy I was sporting for. The day I joined the drama club, the first person I met was Anthony. He was tall, dark, and too-cute-for-words. He needed a shave, but his stubble was another cute flaw. “Hi, I’m Anthony, but no one’s called me that since I was seven.” We laughed. There was an immediate connection. “You can call me Tony. My heart fluttered.

“I’m Jennifer, but no one calls me that except my mom. Call me Jenna. I’m here to try out for the part of Juliet, mostly.”

“Oh, so, then you’ll meet my fiancé, Adrienne. She’s trying for that part, too. Best of luck.” He put out his hand to shake mine and turned the other way.

The day they announced that Adrienne had won Juliet, I wasn’t crushed, but I wasn’t light on my feet either. I had to seem like a good sport. “I want to take you to a congratulations dinner!”

“Okay. Thanks!” She beamed from ear to ear. “I really appreciate that!”

Tony came up and put his arm around her. “Yeah, but honey,” He leaned to her ear level. “what about Andy? He’s been planning dinner with us for a while!”

Adrienne looked at me sheepishly. “Are you single?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You’re remembering something.” Tony poked my side. All of a sudden, I was slammed back into reality. I was in the passenger’s side of Tony’s rental car.

“Yeah. I was thinking about Adrienne and you guys when I first met you.” We were passing tall buildings that I recognized and I was supposed to be taking pictures of. It was strange seeing them in person for the first time. It was like meeting a pen pal in person after only seeing pictures. This was the first time since I got to Paris that I felt like I thought I was supposed to feel. I was just glad to be away from my room at the inn.

“Yes, those were the days.” He smiled. That was a different reaction than I had expected. What had I expected? Crying? That made no sense. “You, know, I finally figured out, on that day after I spent the day at your house, just before you left, that I need to stop grieving so much. I can mourn the rest of my life if I want, but Adrienne wouldn’t want me to grieve. Grieving is painful.” Tony paused again. “I finally got to be alone for a whole day, the next day, with just my thoughts to keep me company. Andrew wasn’t there to distract me, and I was truly thankful.”

I was glad I had forced Andy to leave Tony alone for that day. Otherwise, he would be at home crying, probably. Then again, if he was at home, he wouldn’t be here, finding out my secrets. “I’m glad you’re recovering.” It was the only thing I could think of to say.

“Me too.” He got distracted. “Oh, look! There’s a museum!” It was the tenth museum we I had spotted since we entered the downtown area.

“So? We’ve passed tons of museums!” I had to admit, though, this one had more stairs than any of the others.

“Look at that one, though. Look at the color of the stones that make it.” The word “make” was strange in his sentence. This was the old Tony coming out in him. The artist that made me question my own dedication. Why was he able to see art in everything? “The colors are a rich beige color and a splashy pinkish color. Do you see the patterns?”

Tony parked the car on the side of the street. “Do you see?” he repeated. I wasn’t sure if he wanted an answer or not. I decided not to say anything. “Look at those stairs!” He got out of the car and went around to the back. I decided to get out with him to try to prevent his looking like a crazy person. People on the streets began to watch as Tony began shouting, “Look! I love it! It’s perfect!”

“Tony, people are staring at you.” I said loud enough for only him to hear.

“Let them look. They are the ones who are blind to what’s right under their noses!” I began to laugh. His eccentric sense of humor is what had always made me love him. Love? I meant like him. No, want to be friends with him.

I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I stopped my laughing fit and grabbed Tony’s unshaven face and pressed his lips to mine. I didn’t know what to expect in the moments following, but I figured that his kissing back was a good sign. Finally, after what seemed like forever, Tony pulled himself, all of himself, away from me with a huge smile on his face. He grabbed a canvas out of the trunk of his rental and began work on his painting of the Museum With Thousands of Stairs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At lunch, Tony sat next to me on one side of the table, and Rena and Jean-Paul sat next to each other on the other side of the table. We sat a little closer together than they did. I couldn’t believe what was happening. It was so strange. Tony, the guy I had subconsciously been chasing for a year and a half, all of a sudden, had fallen right into my lap. It seemed much too easy, but down deep, things were very complicated.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three weeks after our bizarre PDA and art show at the Museum With Thousands of Stairs, I decided to have a chat with Tony that he was seeming to need. One that I knew I needed to have. “Tony?”

“What is it baby?” he said embracing me from the side and joining me on his bed. I thought it odd that his bed sheets were much silkier than mine, and his comforter more comfortable. He suddenly kissed my cheek as though to prompt me, to make me stop hesitating.

“Isn’t this weird?”

“What weird?” He claimed total ignorance. I wasn’t convinced. Tony probably just wanted to hear me say what he wanted to say. I cracked.

“Us. I mean, we were best friends, almost, and I was dating your brother, and your wife, I mean…”

Oh, no. Not an unfinished sentence. “Go ahead. She just died. That’s what you mean, isn’t it?” He didn’t sound angry or mean, just eccentric as was his way.

“Yes, and I was good friends with her, too.”

“Have you ever considered all the factors that put us here together? They were one in a million. This was meant to happen, and if we ignore that, then we are fools. If you shut all the windows and close all the doors, you will eventually suffocate.”

While Tony was on this high on being over-the-moon in love with me, I decided now was as good a time as any. He would find out in coming weeks anyway. “I have something pretty important to tell you.”

“What?” he didn’t seemed surprised or concerned. He just stared at the ceiling and stroked my hair with his newly-beiged fingertips.

“I-” This would be bigger than telling Jessica, bigger than Rena or JP. This was big. “Andrew-” Not the right way to go about this information. “I’m pregnant with Andrew’s baby.” Had I just said that, or was it my imagination? Did he really know now? Why was he still looking at me like he was waiting for me to say something?

Finally, “What? What do you mean?”

“I mean, I’m going to have Andrew’s baby.” The second the sentence protruded from my mouth I wanted to kick myself. It sounded extra harsh.

“I know what you said. Tell me more information. When did you find out? How far along are you?” He was getting frustrated. It was hard for him to express his negative feelings without a paintbrush.

“I found out just before you got here. That’s why I was so horrified to see you at first, but I was also glad to see you. I’m two months along, tomorrow, I’m pretty sure, and this was all a big mistake. I don’t love Andrew. I don’t want this to be his child, but I certainly can’t change that, now can I?” Our loving embrace had turned into a cold, bitter argument.

“No, you can’t. I certainly don’t expect you to! What’re we going to do?”

“I don’t know. What happened to your lovey words from a second ago? Why, all of a sudden, does this change things?”

“It just does! A baby with my brother changes everything! Why would you expect it not to? This is Jerry Springer stuff!”

My whole stay in Paris seemed to be blowing up in my face. I jumped off the bed and grabbed my coat. I headed for the door.

“Wait. Hold on just a minute.” Tony stepped in my path, blocking the doorway. I thrust myself against him, but he wasn’t budging. I decided I couldn’t beat him. I threw my coat down on his Guest Chair, rolled my eyes, and sat on top of my coat, realizing if I sat on the bed, it would be like opening back up to him.

“What else is there to say? I figured you wouldn’t understand, and you don’t, and that’s the end of the story--our story.”

“No. No, it’s not. We can work through this. I’m just upset, because you waited so long to tell me about this. Who else knows?”

He was asking, now, not out of anger but out of a pure need to know. “Jessica and Rena and Jean-Paul.”

“That’s all?”

“Yes.”

“So you haven’t told Andy?”

“Well, I couldn’t. That’s another thing. I didn’t even know we had ‘broken up’ until you got here!”

“You didn’t?”

“No! Andrew was lying to you so he could cheat on me. He obviously has no foresight. I mean, what would he have done when I got home? What if I had decided to go back early?”

“Yeah, that was dumb of him. He really didn’t deserve you. I’m sorry we caught you in that trap.”

“It not your fault.” I looked down at my hands. This was the first silence in our conversation since I had tried to escape. “I need to go back to my room. I need to call Andrew. I have to let him know I know he’s got someone else, and that I…”

“Yeah, that you’re having his baby.”

“Right.” I had wanted him to say it for me. I was wishing he could make the call for me. That’d be nice, but I was ready to confess all of my hardships to Mommy and Andy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What do you mean, honey?”

“Exactly what I said, Mom.”

“You mean…”

“Yes. Me and Tony are… a couple.”

“Oh, my gosh. I love Tony! Yes!”

“It gets way weirder.”

“How could it?” She laughed. She had no idea.

“I’m pregnant.”

“What? Tony and you-”

“No. Me and Andrew. I’m having Andrew’s baby.”

“You need Maury.”

She wasn’t half as mad as I thought she’d be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Don’t do it.”

“I have to. There’s one thing I’ve figured out. Don’t keep a secret that you know will come out eventually.” I smiled. Tony didn’t.

“Well, don’t I have a say in this? This is my secret, too!”

“Yes, but this is my ex-boyfriend, not yours!” I smiled again. Tony didn’t again.

“I have to tell Andy about us. The longer we wait, the madder he’ll be.”

“Okay, but I don’t want to be in the room when you do it! I don’t know if I could take it.”

“As you request.” I leaned and kissed him and sat farther back in my seat. “Stop at this gas station. I’m going to do it before I lose my nerve.”

“Okay,” Tony said flicking his blinker on.

We pulled into the parking lot, and I got out quickly and eagerly and ran to the payphone. I dialed Andy’s house number. I used my pre-paid phone card.

“Mrs. Donatelli? Can I speak with Andrew please?”

“No,” she said bitterly.

“Look, if this about our break-”

“No. It’s not about that.” She was sulking. “He had a car accident. He can’t talk to anyone. He’s brain damaged.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“He’s what?”

“Brain damaged. At least, that’s what your mother said.”

“How… I…”

“He had a car accident, and that supermodel girl died,” I told Tony gingerly.

“Oh, my God.” I wasn’t sure what else to say. Nothing? “Will he ever…” His sentence went unfinished, but I knew what he meant.

“No. Your mother said he’d be in a vegetative state for the rest of his life. She was really beat up about it.”

“Why didn’t she call me? Does Dad know?”

“I don’t know why she didn’t call you. I also don’t know about your dad. You’d have to call him yourself.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“What?”

“There’s no way. Andrew can’t be… a vegetable. There’s just not a way on Earth.”

“Listen, Tony.” I tried to stay calm. “Your brother is in a hospital in the states. We have to go back for his funeral, and that’s just the way it is.”

“You’re a liar. I’m calling Dad.” This is exactly what he would’ve done if he hadn’t been the one who’d found Adrienne shot to death. This is how he would’ve reacted. He went straight into denial.

Tony got out, just like I had, and ran to the payphone. I didn’t follow him. He was just going to call his dad and find out for himself. About 10 minutes later, he came back with tears in his eyes. “Andrew’s going to be taken off his feeding tube in a week. It gives me enough time to get there and say goodbye.”

“Why are they taking out the feeding tube?”

“He had a ‘do not resuscitate’ order. I pleaded, but Dad said there was nothing they could do. This was a decision Andy made himself.”

“I’m so sorry.” I embraced Tony more lovingly than the day at the museum.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What do you mean, you’re leaving? Both of you?”

“Yes, we have to go home. My brother died.” I couldn’t believe Tony had just said that. It wasn’t like him at all to lose spirits, but I guessed everyone had a breaking point.

“He didn’t die. There’s still a chance th-”

“A chance that God breathes a miracle across my brother’s God-forsaken life. I don’t see it happening!” Tony said bitterly, charging up the stairs. I had been in Paris a little over a month, about as long as I had initially intended on staying, and now, I was leaving, but I didn’t want to be. Irony hurts sometimes.

“Tony, please, calm down.”

“How can I? My life is crumbling? You wanna taste of my life? Oh, yeah, you’ve been there the whole time!” We were at the top of the stairs in his open doorway. “Here, I’ll recap for you! I come home from a job at the drycleaners’, pays great, by the way, to find my first love shot to death by my jealous uncle. Then, I realize my only other love is taken by my brother, oh, but that part worked itself out later! Then, after I go to Paris, to redeem my only love after I’ve found out she’s single, my psycho brother off his girlfriend, only when he tries to shoot himself, he misses everything on himself, and just shoots through the window of the car in the next lane and causes it to crash into his car and vegetablize him! Real peachy lately!”

I shrieked. “That’s not true! Your mom said he nearly died in a car accident!”

“Yes. He nearly died in a car accident! She didn’t mention how Shannon died, did she?”

I thought back to my conversation with Mrs. Donatelli. She hadn’t told how Shannon died, it was true. I couldn’t believe Andrew would kill somebody, or try to kill himself. They couldn’t prove that, could they? Why would he do something like that? Had Tony really said he came to Paris just to take advantage of my singleness? That most certainly was not the most important thing at the time.

“Tony, we can get through this.”

“I don’t know if I can. I just don’t know.”

My stomach sank. What did he mean he couldn’t get through it? “Well, we have to try. You said it yourself, if you shut all the windows and close all the doors, you’ll eventually suffocate.”

“Something tells me I’ll suffocate anyway.” Tony went into his room and shut his door, closing me out.

I went to my room. I knew JP and Rena had been there watching us fight, and if you ask me, they could’ve made it less obvious. Eavesdropping, I think is worse than asking people personal questions. “Is there anything we can do to help?” JP was asking. Rena was sitting down with a cold cloth on her face.

“None of this is your business.” I sounded harsh, but I was beginning not to care. I went to my room and packed all my things, which took about half an hour. I was wondering if Tony would try to leave without me or if he was waiting or if, maybe, he was still packing himself.

When I finished packing, I drug all my bags out of my room, and set them outside of my door. I was going to carry them all out myself, but before I could get back to the door with my second load of bags, the first load was gone. I wondered, immediately, who had carried my bags out. Was it Tony or Jean-Paul?

Suddenly, Tony met me at the door. “Give me the rest of those.” He didn’t demand. He was almost asking.

“Sure. Here.” I carried my purse and carry-on duffel myself, but I let him carry a few suitcases. I giggled at the thought of the two bags I handed him. They were the two bags I had added to the back of Mom’s SUV just before we left. I don’t know what made that funny, considering the situation, but I had to laugh a little.

“Let’s go.” Tony kissed my cheek just before we walked down the stairs, just like no argument had occurred. He still didn’t seem happy, but he was not mad anymore. I was relieved. Anger was something I really didn’t like when it came out in Tony.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“My goodness! I’m so glad you’re home. It’s good to see you, Tony. I’m sorry it’s on such sour conditions.”

“Me, too, Mrs. Miller.” My mother had already showered me in kisses and hugs. I was just glad she didn’t kiss Tony.

“Mom, is it alright if Tony stays for a few days?” I felt silly asking, as a 21-year-old, but it wasn’t my house. In fact, I hadn’t been in my own apartment in about a month. I had been staying with Mom in the weeks leading up to the trip.

“Well, of course! Oh, and you can stay too!” She was trying to lighten the mood. I laughed out of sympathy.

“Thanks.” Tony kissed her cheek. Italians! “My mom would just tell me to leave, and I don’t want to go back to my house.”

“That’s understandable. Well, you guys get your things all set down in here. You don’t have to put it all up right now. Just set it off to the side.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After long and drawn out court processes, and a lot of media hype, in just four days, Tony and I made the trip to the hospital to tell Andrew goodbye. We made sure not to stand to close to each other. On the way over, we agreed it was better if Andrew never knew about Tony and me. We didn’t know if he knew what was going on, but in case he did, we were not going to make his short life harder.

Maybe I was a little misleading. I liked Andrew. At times, he was a great boyfriend, even if he lost it and killed his girlfriend. Believe me, I was thankful I went to Paris. I got no artistic experience from it. It wasn’t any good for anything--except to save my life. I wasn’t stupid. I knew that leggy girl could’ve been me. It was a month from being me. Imagine what would’ve happened if I had been at home when I found out I was pregnant. Tony would likely killed me and Grayson. That was the baby’s name. Anyway, I know God has a special plan for my life as well as Grayson’s, because he spared me and my baby, and he gave me Tony, who has always made me smile.