My Real Life

Who is this person screaming in my head, yelling all these hurt-full words at me? Why do I have the feeling like I want to go home even though I’m sitting in my own bedroom in my own house that I live in with my mom and step dad? Why is life so hard for me? Why does everyone look down on me just because of who I am and who my father is? Why does everyone compare me to my sister who is the devils daughter? Why?

Everything about my life is a lie. Nobody knows the real me and nobody ever will. All of my friends think I’m spoiled or I live in a nice house or I see my dad every so often. Or that my mom and step dad aren’t druggies. Or that they sell there pills they get from the doctor to some guy at a gas station who steals from his work. Nobody really knows the real me. They think they do but they don’t. even my best of friends don’t know me really, sometimes I try to tell them but I just don’t want to be taken away from the horrible life and away from my school and everything I’ve ever known.

I hate the way people say they know you but when u finally tell them the truth they freak out and don’t want to speak to you or be your friend anymore. Some people are so bad that they spread rumors or tell everyone what u have told them in the past. Or some people will even blackmail you with it. My life’s like the rainbow, getting darker and darker as it get smaller and smaller.

I hate it here all I ever hear is “Haley do this” or “Haley do that” or “HALEY WTF ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!”. Sometimes I get called a mistake or worthless or even that I don’t belong here. But where exactly is here? Do they mean here as in right here in front of them, talking to them or do they mean here in the world in existence? That’s what makes me confused. Nobody ever clarifies what they mean exactly.

Do you want to keep putting me through pain and misery or do you want to just make me end it and get it all over with? I never know what someone means. And when I think I do they say I don’t and get mad and push me in the dirt. And when I’m laying there in the dirt thinking about what I did wrong they kick me harder and harder, over and over again until my blood turns the dirt into red mud. Mud that can never be washed off. It just keeps building up and up until you get sucked into it, and never come out, loosing your last breathe of hope of finding a way.