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edwardlover92

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Dear Robbie,

It’s been almost a year now since you’ve been gone. I can’t say the D word. That word is something that’s too harsh for my still grieving heart, so I just say your gone. Like your on a vacation. The problem with that is you never go on vacation, and if you did you would’ve definitely taken me with you.

I wish you were here. You don’t even know how hard it’s been without you. I could’ve actually survived this hell hole with you right beside me, but now I’m not so sure. I don’t mean I want to off myself or anything like that. Even though it is a popular rumor at school that I attempted it twice. What I mean is that I need to get out of this place. My mom’s already talking about moving in the near future.

I know your going to get upset if I move, but I need to get away Rob. I need to leave this place full of all these memories and all of my hopeless dreams. I need freedom from my grief. Freedom from all the stares. Freedom from all the rumors. Please don’t get upset. I’ll come and visit when I’m fully healed. I can’t promise that though, I don’t think I’ll ever fully heal. I don’t think I could go to bed at night and not see your face haunting my dreams.

You know what I just noticed it’s raining. Just like the night when I got the call, it was the call that ended it all for me. I remember it like it was just last night. I can remember your sisters’ crying voice saying that you were in an accident-which your drunk father caused-and that you didn’t survive. I remember falling to my knees not bothering to talk to your sister. I remember my mom trying to comfort your hysterical mother over the phone, and the last thing I remember is my father carrying me up to my bed.

I didn’t move from my bed for what seemed like years, but was only a few days. All I thought about in that time period is that you weren’t really gone. That you’d walk right through my bedroom door gather me in your warm arms and tell me everything will be alright. I finally get it now that your not coming back, but I still wish you could. By the way I’m so sorry I didn’t make it to the wake or the funeral, but I did go to see your headstone. It’s a beautiful stone, it has my favorite picture of you on it. It was your freshman high school picture. I made you smile in it by standing behind the photographer and making funny faces.

God I miss you. I’m so sad it’s hard to believe I was ever happy. I can’t go out anymore when it rains like this. The clean smell of the rain alone makes me want to cry. You remember how much I loved that smell. You tried to get me that scent by standing in the pouring rain with a perfume bottle trying to catch the little drops. It ended up smelling nothing like the scent, and you ended up with a cold. I can’t stand that scent anymore. I can’t stand anything that reminds me of you.

I want you back Robbie. I can’t take it anymore without you. My heart hurts so much. Even now that it’s almost a year I find no relief. I don’t know if you have any feelings where you are, but I feel everything. I’d give up anything just to see you, or touch you, or kiss just one more time. I’m sorry but I have to finish this letter, I can’t write anymore. I just want to let you know that I will always love you, and that I’ll never stop loving you as long as I live. Goodbye.

Love, Janie.