Regret

You were a friend that everyone would hope to have. Growing up with you was not only a blessing, but an experience I will never forget. I was new in town and you put me under your wing the moment I moved in next door. We became closer friends day after day, until eventually we were joined at the hip. You were more then just a friend, you were my brother. I met you when I was 9 years old. Just a stubborn girl who would find herself in trouble all the time. You never left my side Jeff....not once. Suddenly out of no where, we became distant. Yet, though we were friends with different people, we always had each others back. Although you were a year older then me, you told me countless times, that you looked up to me. That you wish you could be more like me. I never understood why. What it was in your life that caused you so much pain inside. Until, one day...I found out. I was the last one to ever discover it, since I was out of town the moment it came out. You revealed to the world that you were bisexual. You were scared to tell me, because I had made it known that I didn't agree with it. I was shut out from your life, because you didn't want me to be influenced with someone like you. I didn't understand how it worked, nor did I see it ever coming. I realized though, that I still wanted you in my life no matter who you loved. Shortly after, you accepted me back with open arms, and we continued to have our sleep overs and movie nights. I miss those times Jeff....and I miss you even more. A few years later, I decided to move away. My parents were divorced and I had been living with my mother in Missouri. I made the choice to go and live with my father in Georgia. The south of the south. You didn't know that I had made that choice, until I never came back. I still have that message you left me, that one that said you couldn't wait to see me, that you missed and loved me. It was this past February...that I got the call. My sister was crying hysterically when my father heard those words...that I wish I never had to hear. He called me up to the room...and told me that you had killed yourself. The only thought that rushed into my head...is the question we all ask in a time of trouble....why? I tried to run, but I only made it two steps before I landed in a heap on the floor. I cried until the tears could no longer fall. They had told me the events that happened. That you called and told your sister, that you couldn't take the people that came agianst you because of your sexual orientation. That you hated yourself for being the way you were. That you didn't want to be this way anymore. That you hated life. 
   I missed your funeral. For the simple fact that I had no money to get my way up there. I remember hating myself for missing it. I didn't believe you were dead. I thought it was all a sick joke. I felt that way until I finally stood over your grave. You knew I was a religious person and I made a promise to you that day, as I stood there looking down upon the place that marked where you laid. I promised that I would not let you die in vain. That I would travel to the ends of the Earth, and not let Satan do to other people...what he did to you. That wasn't you, Jeff. You would have never done that. Something got inside you, the hatred of people brought you down. I promised that I would see to it, that I died knowing I lived my whole life for God. That I tried to take down the one thing that got inside you. 
   You were my bestfriend and my brother. Realizing that I wasn't there when you needed someone the most is a regret I will carry with me till I die. But I will keep the promise I made to you. Jeff....Im so sorry. I remember looking through the pictures of us...the ones when we were in our overalls arms around each others shoulders smiling, the one on my 13th birthday, the one of us on your 16. So many memories did we share together Jeff. Ones that will never be swept away. I will never ever forget you. After all, you were my brother. I love and I miss you Jeff...and I promise I will not let you die in vain.