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The past is the past...Part II
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Lizard Birthing?
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The past is the past...Part I

Lizard Birthing?

Creative Created on 12-6-06 Views(1138) Story Rating G

LIZARD BIRTHING If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below  will have you laughing out LOUD!  A classic… I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened… Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.  "I'm serious, dad, can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!). "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you...think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience", I announced, "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breeched," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy.  You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they ...um....pleasure themselves.  Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.  Cameron". We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. 2 - Lizards - $140...1 - Cage - $50...Trip to the vet - $30...Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie...  Priceless! Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!

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On August 9th 2008 fadedembers123 Said :
fadedembers123 lmao. i just died inside. :D
On July 20th 2008 wannahug13 Said :
wannahug13 oh geez... i did not know that lizards did... that thingy. >.< hilarious!
On April 8th 2008 tamraage13 Said :
my picture
omg!!!!!!! that was so funny e pull pull its winky
On March 5th 2008 geli01 Said :
geli01 LOL! he pulled on the lizzards penis!!
On February 22nd 2008 muffinbobeat48 Said :
muffinbobeat48 That is bloody funny.
On September 30th 2007 Carey2010 Said :
Carey2010 omg... priceless.. lmao.. ahh how freakin funny.. i fell off my chair laughing so hard..oh my jesus!! haha.. i almost peed my pants lol.. haha : )
On August 7th 2007 waveydavey0 Said :
waveydavey0 lmao that is so f**kin funny
On July 29th 2007 lilprincess122 Said :
lilprincess122 LOLOLOLOL!!!!!
On July 2nd 2007 jjhassan Said :
jjhassan Heh. My friend sent me an email with this in years ago, except it was about Hamsters like someone else said.
On July 1st 2007 talmby Said :
talmby lmao thats hilarious
On June 27th 2007 xXRheBabesXx Said :
xXRheBabesXx That is pretty funny.... priceless hahahahahahaha!!!!!!
On June 26th 2007 darkmatters Said :
darkmatters hahah this is fucking hilarious! LOL! lol this was jokes! hahaha!
On June 23rd 2007 sadee309 Said :
sadee309 holy crap thats halarious!
On June 13th 2007 oreoash Said :
oreoash AHAHAHAHAHAH...roflmao! holy pie, poor you
On May 5th 2007 hickey8ashlee Said :
my picture
omfg i just fell out of the fucking chair laughing so danm hard
On May 3rd 2007 cutechik94 Said :
cutechik94 omfg. im freaking rotflmao. that is so hilarious. i love this.
On April 15th 2007 drowningnlove Said :
drowningnlove lmao...hahahaha, that hilarious!
On April 6th 2007 thekimo Said :
thekimo I've heard some ridiculous pet stories in my life, but this one tops all of them!!!
On April 2nd 2007 destiny7of9ii Said :
destiny7of9ii holy crap! that was feckin hilarious!!!!!!!!!
On March 25th 2007 Naterrs Said :
Naterrs I think I've read this before, but good stuff :p
On March 3rd 2007 missittibitti Said :
missittibitti omg..that was so funny! i luffed it! :D
On March 2nd 2007 sloppyjoes1234 Said :
sloppyjoes1234 That's just AWWWWWWFUL. Hahahaha, but I got a good chuckle out of it. Kudos!
On February 13th 2007 crazychika27 Said :
crazychika27 that was hilarious!!!lol
On January 15th 2007 julierogue Said :
julierogue I've read this before (in a veterinary publication, I think) but it was about a hamster, which made more sense. Hmm.
On January 14th 2007 mcmissyann Said :
mcmissyann OMG! This was so damn funny. I to had a black beard lizzard and thank God I didn't have to deal with that, pulling on something that you shouldn't and didn't know about...OMG I have to tell my kids. Great story..Kudos!!!!