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true love is harder to fight for

Romance Created on 11-5-07 Views(66) Story Rating G



My story starts out with utter sadness. With something that could only be described as losing all the emotional feeling within the human being. And having your heart ripped out every second of the day. The seasons have passed, I've grown older. Wiser; perhaps. And I've grown more in love, and fond of the man I intend to marry. He's the star-light in my universe, the only reason I have fought so long against this inevitable thing called; death. This bitter mistress kept trying to take him from me. Each minute, I would hold my breath and pray again and again. To a god I lost faith in long ago. Slowly, I began to stop believing in miracles; other times I stopped believing in fairy-tales and that romances and loves are truly unique and worth always fighting for. Everyday; I see it in his eyes. The growing disappointment and the sadness that is beyond both our years. At this time, he's twenty. He says he feels like eighty, maybe he's right. I will never know the pain he goes through with his body, or the thoughts that run through his head. Although, I like to think I know this man better then anything in this world. Better then the back of my own hand. I am seventeen; even though most would consider that a young age, even a dangerous age to consider knowing what love and life is. To know whats bad and good.. And when something is worth waiting for. Youth; is impatient they all say. Perhaps, but so is the old. Secretly they are impatient for something dire and special in there heart. I feel older, and each day people begin to wonder and question.. How old are you? But again, I'm straying from the subject in mind. I still remember the first day he told me he loved me. It was a wondrous moment. I was currently fifteen, my sixteenth birthday had yet too bloom. I was talking to him one fine morning. I loved running to go talk to him on the internet, I loved just being able to feel those butter-flies soar in my stomach. Even though, I currently had another man in my life, that was barely there to begin with! But I loved both men fondly. So much so I begin to question who I wanted to spend my life with.. To think I almost made a mistake and chose the wrong one. He was nervous.. I remember seeing him on the camera, and he was all jittery.. He kept fiddling with his lighter I believe.. Finally he told me that he was too go for a walk, but when he got back he wanted to talk about something important, he just needed to work up the nerve.. I was hoping that he would tell me I was his only, that he loved me dearly.. And it happened so.. That it turned out.. He did.. He went for a walk and smoked, and came back.. And told me he loved me.. Oh.. To feel loved by this man, its more then I can stand.. Its more then any thought. After that moment where we collided.. Four years of knowing this kind man.. This man that has been as lost as I.. Searching for so many things in this life.. Perhaps, I lied. And this story begins happy.. But in so many ways it doesn't.. I have been clinically depressed; proven insane, and suicidal. I've felt the brutally of life, and the goodness only in his smile. We've been "together" for the last two years.. Its almost two, but I'll say two. We've been struggling with trying to get money so we can be together, and this is whats so tiresome about this story. He saved me. More then a person can be saved.. The look in his eyes, made my body tingle. The smile and his dimples they made me feel as if I could finally live. I've been in "love" as I could put it before. But I finally found the man I've been searching for; for so long. He's my dreams the goodness in my heart. We've had many happy days.. Many laughters and smiles. And with each passing day the need to be together got stronger, the desire to be with each other, skin to skin.. Grew until we couldn't take it anymore. This year, after my seventeenth birthday. The first greatest birthday of my life, where I didn't have any kind of thoughts that were harmful.

He was a knight.. He wanted me to be the happiest I could be; and it felt so good to have a man put my happiness before his.. What a dream.. Maybe I am dreaming even now; thinking back on this moment. It's been so long since I heard him tell me I was beautiful, and the greatest creature alive. Its been so long since I saw the love in his eyes, that used to give me jitters.. It breaks my heart.. It hurts so much I can barely breathe.. And each day we fail each other.. Each day we fight and squander.. And we say things; that lovers and soul-mates say when they hurt one another.. So many bad things have been said about him because of the situation. Sometimes I wish people would see that its both our faults for letting it get this bad.. Maybe its youth? Maybe its just life.. Who knows.. But will I ever obtain my freedom and have his arms around me.. Will I ever find the love that we so greatly share.. Next year, we intend to marry.. Romantically and happily on my eighteenth birthday.. Its pure coincidence so its all right to wonder if its because I'm able to marry on that day.. We even set the time.. And what we should wear.. Just talking about it sometimes with him, it makes my heart feel.. Alive.. Oh, how my body sighs, I long to hear his voice in that husky deep voice that rattles my bones.. Oh, how I would love for him to feel something besides pain and sorrow.. And that somehow our miracle is coming soon. Sometimes I find that hurting is easier then too love. But other times I know I am a fool. Depression, loneliness. Hurtfulness its all very emotional things people struggle with each and every day. I wish I could find the ending, I wish I already knew how the results will turn out. That my knight will once again save me. I am no innocent, and neither is he. We've been up and down many roads that many people haven't traveled in most of their life-times! Could you imagine? Currently: I've become sober for about two weeks now. Its a tiresome thing. I am addicted to any kind of pill. And for the last five months, I had been abusing them.

Five months ago was when it all started.. I believe it was around his birthday; his mood got worse.. And his feelings more blocked up. He told me he was lonely and we needed to get together as soon as possible. We both tried to make money, both tried to get jobs. Even though I, couldn't. We tried so hard that I was afraid we'd emotionally turn blue. Things got worse each day that passed, and I saw him smile less and less. It hurt. To know that I couldn't make him smile as much as I used to. We've tried burrowing from friends, tried getting family to help. But its a fruitless battle. Many have turned us down, I appreciate it. Others they dragged us along; making us hope that we had a chance to make it. Slowly needing; became desperation; desperation fighting. Day in and day out. Each night it was something more.. Something harder.. Sometimes I let out an immense sigh, knowing not everyday will be like it used to. We won't have that moment back where we were light-hearted. We were in love and didn't care what was going around in the world. To be parted with him is excruciating. I feel a rumble in my womb; thinking about these moments. It almost brings tears to my eyes. I've cried so much, I barely notice when they strike out until my chin has gathered the salty water. And my shirt or pants are soaked. Sometimes it makes me feel alive. Others it reminds me that today was just another bad day.

I thought of him as a little boy that couldn't let go. That needed me there all the time, and I began to despise him for it. Then just a couple nights ago. Me and him talked. And he told me the reasons why he couldn't feel he should go on. How painful it was to hear the things he had to say. How much we wish to have a life. How much we need to find the answers to our unheard questions.. I hate this life, and I begin to hate the people in it. Is it our own faults for letting it get this far? Somehow he gives me more days when he doesn't even know he could. I've seen the scratches on his arms, that I hope are just that scratches. But I know what they are.. I know the reasons behind him slicing his skin.. It breaks my heart beyond repair. Perhaps.. The human will is stronger then anything in this world. And when you have love; and dreams and hopes. And want a family. Why, you just have the reason to conquer anything.

Why you have a reason to continue through many pains throughout life. Its been five months and it feels like its been centuries.. And tonight; we finally were us. I saw a glimpse of the man I fell in love with because I did something that was right for once. He told me in so many ways, and in so many actions tonight how much he loved me. How much he was proud. Sometimes, its hard to bare through these times where everything.. Is falling apart. Maybe me and him will find the stream that will guide us to each other. Maybe this time, I won't mess up like I used too. Each more everyday I feel like we've grown a little more; more distant, more together. More in love. More apart. So many words that could coincide with my thoughts. Tonight, although it was good. It still cried of bad. I ended up crying, I ended up breaking his heart because I looked sad. After a momentous moment.. I looked as though all that was good in my world had died. I hope they he understood it was many thing's inside of me. The need, the want. To hear his voice; to see him. To feel my body flame and turn inside and out. I'm torn in two with my thoughts. I want to go as slow as we can trying to mend the wounds we've caused. But I want to go as fast as ever. Because life is too short. And we've had too many close calls for it to be.. Easy.. I want to sleep, but I want to write.. I want to imprint ever single moment I had with him; no matter how short the time. It was something beyond words. Its been two months.. Two long months since we've even showed each other that there is love that we fight for. That there is something beautiful behind the way we stare at each other. Two years. Its now November... Soon; the passages of time will bring us December. I pray. I hope. That I get things together so we can be together before then. Before Christmas. Before it gets too much and he lets go of me. I don't want to lose this battle. I don't want our struggle to be lost.

We've loved, and will continue on loving. Sometimes I compare us to Romeo and Juliet, because it is that tragic. Each day it is that heart-pounding. Mind-sighing. The colors are brighter, the tastes and smells are stronger. My feelings and emotions peeled like a fresh orange. Ready to release its potent existence. Tonight, I walked in the snow with my almost empty coffee. And the dark clouds above me sharing its tiny abyss. I listened to the soft crunch of the snow underneath my feet, and I couldn't wait to get home to tell him of this fascinating thing. Snow! Crunching under my feet. I felt ridiculous that I wanted to share this with him. He knew what it sounded like. He knows what it smells like the ice; the snow. He knows what it feels like to inhale the cold air into your lungs. But it was more then that. Everything was more beautiful.. More heightened.. The crunch of snow, was the crunch of thousands of hearts falling in love. The smell, was fresh sweat; made after love making. It was a warmth that you only cradled when you held someone. It made you want to bury yourself deeper into there arms. I smile, even now. I didn't tell him of the snow. How badly I wanted too, how badly I wanted to be the romantic.. To tell him the way he looked was pristine. Even if I hadn't saw him. I knew what he looked like, I knew his smile; his dimples. The way he moved his hair. His posture, the soft smell of a man.. Its been so long.. So damn long since I knew these things. And yet, I don't even know these things of him. Not his smell, not his taste. Not the way he feels against my skin. These things I have yet to come and know. My heart thumps erratically as I think of what it must be like to please and consume myself into this man. I remember so many things. So much. He is my half. My other. My complete and entire being. He makes me sane when I've lost my mind.

He keeps me happy, and healthy. And keeps me from the darkest corners of my mind. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be writing right now. Of these things. I wouldn't be sharing the wondrous and horrible things you can go through with love.

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