Code Name: The Target

April 11th, 2008 3:29 P.M.

          Wow, this sucks. It's come to my last day of spring break, and while I should have been out having the time of my life, I was stuck here at home. I guess you could say it was by choice, but what's the point of doing anything when you have no one to do things with? I could have tried to patch things up with my friends, but it would have been no use. They refused to talk to me, and even if they did I was bashed with insults, accusations, and other cruel words. It just doesn't make any sense! One day I'm hanging out, decorating cupcakes and sharing secrets with my best friends Amalie, Heather, Grace, and Tara, the next we're sitting at our usual lunch table with no one saying a word- to me. A simple "Bonnie, we're not talking to you because..." or "Bonnie, you mad us mad when you..." or even "BONNIE! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU..." would have been better than this. Silence was like strong acid shooting into my arm. It stung, it was cruel, and above all, it made no sense. Why are they doing this to me? I feel like no matter what I've done, it couldn't have been worse than this...

            My eyes welled up and a black drop fell onto the page. I closed my journal and got up to check the mirror. When I saw my reflection, my lip began to tremble. Messy, tangled hair sat on top of my head, my tank-top was twisted over so the side seam was in front, my eyes were red and puffy, and my mascara was running. Again. I wanted to stop myself from breaking out into a bawl, but I choked attempting to swallow the lump in my throat. I sat back on my bed and sobbed quietly. The phone then rang. I took a deep breath, for some reason I carefully wiped my eyes and flattened my hair, then picked up the phone. It was a five-way call.

            "Bonnie?..." I heard Heather's soft-as-cotton voice ring through the phone. She sounded hesitant.

            "Yes. That's me." I replied, clenching my teeth, refusing more sobs to come through.

            "Hi, Bon." Amalie said quietly.

            "Hey." was all Grace could get out.

            "Look, we were wondering if you wanted to come bowling with us tonight." Tara chimed calmly. The way she said it made it sound like nothing had happened. Like it was all a dream. I quickly snapped back into reality and reminded myself of all the harsh things that were said, and all the things that weren't... How could I go somewhere with you? I felt like asking. After all the horrible things you did to me? But, I wasn't exactly in the place to pass up friends, so I agreed.

* * *

            We had an awesome time bowling that night. We threw smooth, heavy balls down a wooden sidewalk to hit unexpecting bottles at the end. We ate greasy pizza and drank cheap soda with not quite enough syrup. We danced at the corny music they played as a huge, luminous disco ball lowered from the ceiling. There were a few squabbles over which boy at lane 11 was cuter, and there were a few eyerolls at what I said, but that was all normal. We left the alley with many laughs and bad things were put behind us. It was just like old times again.

* * *

            The following Monday, spring break was over, and we all sat in a circle on the pure white carpeted floor at Tara's house "studying" for Mr. Harrow's not-so-pop-quiz that was sometime that week. In reality, our notebooks were thrown in the middle as we passed around Cheetos and Sun Chips and gossiped.

            "And I heard he totally cheated on Emily. That's the reason she left him for Bryce." Tara said knowingly. We all nodded our heads in agreement. "I mean, come on," she continued, "Sean is totally gorgeous, and way hotter than Bryce. If I were Emily, I would have hung onto him, even if he DID cheat on me." Everyone but Tara exchanged disagreeing glances, but stopped as soon as Tara picked up and started to glare at us. We all smiled and nodded.

            I decided I actually wanted to get something done in the studying aspect of our little pow-wow. I leaned into the pile of notebooks to get my history notebook. I shuffled through the heap of purple, green, yellow, orange... my blue notebook wasn't there! "Hey Grace?" I asked. "Can I borrow your History notes?" She nodded and tossed her yellow notebook at me, still in a trance by Tara's story. I flipped through the notebook, looking for the vocabulary list for Mr. Harrow's history class. "Ah!" I said aloud when I found them. I read them out loud quietly to myself. "Martin Luther King Jr: led a rebellion to free slaves. Harriet Tubman: led escaped slaves through the underground railroad. T: OMG, did you see how tight those pants are on her? Muffin-top!" My face grew hot and my throat went dry. Amalie glanced at me, a frightened look in her eyes, but then turned to listen to Tara, but her cheeks were red. I continued reading the history notes.

            "A: Haha, I know! She might as well shop at Whales-R-Us!" Amalie put her head down. Now Heather was watching me, her eyebrows knitted and biting her lip. I grew louder as I read. "H: Haha, you guys are hilarious! And she's so immature. Can you believe she cried when Toby started dating another girl? LAAAME!"

I looked around, and all the girls were now looking at me, except Tara. She sat there, inspecting her manicure. Grace held her head down, her eyes wet, and let out a tiny sob. "G: And what about all those jokes she came up with at the bowling alley? They sounded like they were coming from a 2nd grader! T: Well she does dress like one." My voice was inclining as another lump was building in my throat. My stomach knotted past its limit, so it hurt. I shouted the last part of the note. "T: She DOES dress like one... BONNIE. IS. SUCH. A. LOSER." Tara remained unfazed. Grace had her head in her hands, crying. Heather was looking away, biting her lip. Amalie looked a little guilty, but shrugged her shoulders and looked at the clock hanging on the blindingly white wall. Tara's mother walked in.

            "Aww, is there some girly drama going on in here?" she asked playingly. I burst into tears, grabbed my backpack, and ran out the door with the notebook still in my hand.

* * *

            I laid low for a while after that. At school, I switched to a different table to eat lunch at, and started socializing with different people. The horrible memory of reading that note got to me still once in a while, and teachers had to excuse me into the hall to cry. Living without close friends got to me. I spent most of my time at home, sitting on the couch, watching bad T.V. It got to a point where my mom had to take me places and do things to get me out of my depression. It didn't work. I started seeing therapists and taking pills. No matter how hard I and everyone around me tried, I couldn't shake the powerful memory shadowing me, following my every move, striking at whatever moment it pleased.

            One day, I got a phone call. It was another from my four old friends. They were asking me if I wanted to go to the mall with them that Saturday. That's when I realized: it was never going to end. This was just the same thing happening again, and if I didn't do something, it was going to keep happening. So I did what I thought was right and just hung up the phone, shook the memory, and went on with my life.

            I guess the whole time I was depressed, I just wanted my old friends back. I wasn't opening up to new opportunities. All I had to do was realize this cycle and get out of it, and I had a revelation. I started inviting over the new people I was hanging out with, and they started inviting me, too. It was a very mutual relationship. They were as loyal to me as I had always wanted. And I was loyal to them, too. We started to do everything together, this group of friends of mine. I occasionally got some hate emails and IM's from Tara and Amalie, but the other two stayed to themselves pretty well. I'd pass them in the halls at school, and Tara would scowl while the others pretended not to see me. I just did the infamous Tara eye-roll and brushed my shoulders off. Why should I care? What I recently heard is Heather and Grace dropped Tara, and Amalie, being the parasite she is, went down as well. But shhh... you didn't hear it from me!

            We wouldn't want to be a Tara now, would we?