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A Warming Ice 10
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A Warming Ice 9 (Damiens View)
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A Warming Ice 6 (Damien's View)
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Should this be the end?
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Little Red Pills
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A Warming Ice 5
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Bleeding on the Floor & Saying Sorry
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A warming Ice
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The endless nightmares

A Warming Ice 10

Romance Created on 3-2-08 Views(76) Story Rating G

We sat their in silence for a while as I got my thoughts together. “Damn why am I even bothering this if I tell him he’s just going to leave me alone. But I guess that’s best, I rather he know and then hate me, than staying here with a monster.” I thought bitterly to myself. “Ok I don’t really know were to start but I guess I’ll go to the big part where most of this started.” I sighed I had taken the first of the many fatal steps that this story would bring. “My dad he’s always been abusive to me. He has a real horrible anger problem he’d whip me throw stuff at me hit me, and other shit like that; I didn’t really mind at the time I guess cause I was little and I knew every one got punished. But one day, it got really bad and he hurt my mom really bad; he got taken away by the police. I remember how terrified I was sitting in my room then hearing a scream and the sound of I don’t know either the chair or my mom hitting the floor, I looked out my door and saw the chair on top of her and my mom basically cowering away from my dad. I ran down the street crying I knew that this was coming, my mom had told me that things were bad; but just seeing it actually happen seemed to kill me inside.  After that for the next couple of months we moved around a lot; we never really stayed in the same place for a long time. Once we even went to Pennsylvania and stayed their for about two months with our cousins. I hated that time, my mom was always freaked out thinking my dad was following us everywhere it scared me so much I thought he was just like going come in while we were all sleeping and kill us or something. I tried to be calm and keep everything together but I knew it was wrong that things shouldn’t be that way I was so angry and sad, but I went along with it I didn’t want to be another inconvenience for my mom.” I sighed again I hadn’t noticed that I hadn’t been breathing almost the whole time while I was reciting my past. I could feel myself starting to tremble, and my heart had the familiar feeling of a gaping hole being punched into the pit of my chest from the pain of the memories. Damien was still quiet and I didn’t want to look up to see his reaction. “Finally we went back and my mom and dad got a divorce we stayed with my mom for that. It was bad though my mom was having a really hard time, she was always sleeping and she barely ever left her room, and when she did we stayed with her friends, while she went out and I guess to get high, well that’s what my relatives have told me and it seems to make sense. I wanted to help her so bad I tried to take care of my brother and sisters for her but it was really hard I couldn’t stand them, I couldn’t stand trying to take care of my her anymore either. I really did try; I tried to make her better so maybe she would get up out of bed and be happy again. But it just got so overwhelming and I didn’t know what I was going to do I knew I couldn’t do it. I knew no matter what I tried things would never be the same. They weren’t good to begin with but at least I knew what was going happen, what was to be expected. Now it was like one punch in the face after the other, but these punches hurt more than what I had ever felt before” I slightly gasped I dint want to breath a lot because with each breath I felt more and more like I was about to break down. I really hate remembering this part of my life I feel like my heart is missing when ever I remember any of my past, and most of the present too. “One day, I just, kind of, snapped.” I said this slowly I hated admitting this, I knew once I told him this he would be scared of me, hate me, this is how I know that I must be inhuman. “I just got so angry, everything I had been feeling just kind of burst out and I couldn’t really control my self I got a knife and I tried to kill them. I was so sick of everything, I thought if they were gone I wouldn’t have to look out for them any more and I could finally relax and have control over my life again. But I didn’t kill them my mom locked them all in her room. I did everything I could to get at them though; I tried hacking at the door until it was covered with holes, I hurled whatever I could find at the door trying to break it down, and when I couldn’t I pushed a couch in front of the door. Kind of stupid since the door opened the other way.” I could feel a slight smile flow over my face as I remembered my stupidity; also I had to try to smile to stop the overwhelming feeling of tears. “And I didn’t want to stop because the whole time I was doing that I could hear them laughing at me and it just seemed to fuel my rage on and on. After that I felt so bad, I felt like a monster, inhuman like I should’ve been trying to kill myself and not them. So a couple weeks after that I tried to off myself, first I tried drowning myself, I tied a brick to my foot then jumped in the pool, I blacked out but I woke up I guess the rope got untied and I had floated to the surface. So when that didn’t work I tried to OD.” I was trying to rush through this part I hated talking about how close I had come to no longer existing” Finally I just gave up on that to I didn’t really care anymore I decided that living and feeling hurt like this was better than getting rid of myself and not feeling any more pain. So after that I kinda just shut down didn’t bother much with anything I just gave up on everything. But then we moved back in with my dad; and that woke me up.” I stopped for a second after I said this, I remembered how sad and scared I was when I heard that I was going to move back in with the person who had started all of this “But it didn’t feel like waking up it felt like I was being torn out of one nightmare and thrust into another even more terrifying one. They said my daddy was better and he wouldn’t hurt anyone, but I was still so scared of him. It was true he didn’t hit us anymore… well at least at first, in the beginning he just yelled at us a lot but it was really bad he said it was my fault that all this happened and I deserved to be punished not him, I was worthless I made all this happen I deserved to be thrown away and tortured not him. I believed him. Then later he got really mean again and started to hit me again. He just said I deserved it that it brought it upon myself. So I just took it.”Again I paused my head felt like it was spinning, I took a couple breaths my eyes and nose felt like they were stinging but I held in the tears. “I could feel all my pain beginning to rise up in me again, and I didn’t want to do what I did last time. It was kind of on accident the first time. I was just in class scratching my arm going over everything in my mind and I looked down and I was bleeding and I felt better. So after that I just kept on doing it over and over but after a while I didn’t fell better after I did it. It made me feel sick, like I wanted to pass out; it scared me and made me forget about what I was hiding from in the first place. But it only reminded me more about what my dad said that I deserved to be in pain. I didn’t want to do what my dad said I was sick of doing what he told me. But I couldn’t stop it, the cutting. Eventually the school found out and they told my dad. I got really scared of what he might do. He got mad at me said their was something wrong with me and that I need to get help. So he took me to a therapist. They didn’t help all they did was make me feel worse because they made me recall everything I tried to forget, they also told me that it I had a problem, telling me that what I did was wrong, I kept thinking what I do is wrong look what your doing supposed to be helping me “feel” better your only making me feel like crap. It just made me feel horrible like I was a monster not like the one before but different not raging one but one that was a freak, abnormal to everyone else. They all hated me thought I was disgusting. So for a while I stopped I tried to bury what I felt and smile. But eventually people found out and told me that I was a freak and it just brought back everything. I transferred to another school I thought that it might stop if I left. But it didn’t. At first it worked I just smiled and acted happy and no one knew, they thought I was normal and that I was nice and could fit in, but it didn’t work for long, I hated not being myself not doing what I wanted and acting how people wanted me to. I fell back into the darkness that seemed to be eating at my heart only making it seem like I was less alive. I felt like I just had start cutting again. I covered my self up as much as I could. I just wanted to disappear, I didn’t want to exist. Again my dad found out he said he couldn’t deal with me anymore that he just didn’t know how he could handle me. So he said if I kept doing it he’d send me away. I lied and said I wouldn’t cut anymore but I did, just not as much. But when he did find out that I had lied he didn’t do anything. Said I wasn’t worth the money. I felt relived, but also hurt. He didn’t care enough to even hate me. I felt horrible like I didn’t even deserve to live I just went on with life smiling, always smiling acting like everything was ok. But after a while I gave up their was no point I just started to give up. I didn’t care if I lived or died I would cut constantly till my rams were ravaged with cuts and the blood wouldn’t stop. Id take pain killers until I was shaking, I didn’t want to feel anymore pain but they only seemed to bring me more.”I grew silent I knew that wasn’t everything but that was mostly what mattered I grew silent, I didn’t want to look up at him I knew that he would be horrified with me think I’m a monster not worth anything just like everyone else does. I finally let the tears come. I didn’t break down even though I wanted to; but instead I just silently let the tears flow down my face as I shook. Again I could feel the empty hole in my chest. It hurt so bad I felt like just drowning myself in the water that sparkled in front of me. I leaned forward slightly onto the tips of my feet. “I don’t care what happens anymore.” Was all I thought as I sat their looking into the water. Then I felt warmth wrap around me. “Did I fall in am I drowning?” I wondered as the warmth continued to surround me. I opened my eyes I didn’t see what I expected maybe the dark water of the deep pool or the mud or rocks of the bottom. All I saw was the same safe haven that I had been in the whole time I looked up slowly I saw Damien above me and I felt small droplets of water hitting me. “I’m sorry.” I almost whimpered out as I tried to stand up but I found that I was bound by his arms.“Don’t be sorry.” He whispered. “They should be sorry for how they made you feel, for what you’ve been threw.” He pulled me closer to him so my chin was resting on his shoulder I could feel the steady flow of tears seeping into the shoulder of my shirt. “I still don’t understand why he doesn’t hate me. Why doesn’t he hate me when everyone else does?” I wondered to myself. I could feel Damien’s grip grow stronger then become slightly weaker; but I didn’t want him to let go I wrapped my arms around his neck and held myself close to him. I felt his body slightly stiffen in surprise but I didn’t want to let go; not this time. I felt his embrace once more grow strong around me. I felt the gaping hole in my chest slightly grow smaller but I could still feel it; all the horrible memories and thoughts seemed to swirl inside that hole making it feel empty but at the same time unbelievably heavy. “Why was I so willing to trust him, why did I feel so comfortable around him?” I wanted to know the answer to these question desperately I could only think of one answer “I’ve only been shown hate and contempt for so long that at any sign of any type of compassion I throw myself at, even if it is fake.” This only made the hole in my chest feel bigger once again. I didn’t want to believe the answer I was giving myself, I didn’t want it tot be true.

Comments

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On August 27th 2008 rawrr24 Said :
rawrr24 ah dude kmp!
On April 11th 2008 kimmy626 Said :
kimmy626 O_= i'm scared... but TIS IS AWESOME!!!!!!!! kmp! KMP!!!
On March 30th 2008 ha7 Said :
ha7 Excellent!
On March 14th 2008 emolaura92 Said :
emolaura92 Wow this is really great
On March 4th 2008 alienz13 Said :
alienz13 kmp
On March 3rd 2008 xxhXcxx221 Said :
xxhXcxx221 Your writing is amazing. I love it. kmp. =]
On March 3rd 2008 KimSmallwood Said :
KimSmallwood so cute! i love it. but could you paragraph...its a little hard to read. KMP! =]
On March 2nd 2008 sweetie1294 Said :
sweetie1294 its good
On March 2nd 2008 cheerwine14352 Said :
cheerwine14352 woah that was intense kmp