Why?!?

I sit back and think....... was it my fault?....... did I do anything wrong?...........what was it that he didn’t like about me?............ could I have changed something to make him love me?..... Was there ANYTHING I could have done differently?............ Was it me?............. Did he ever want me? .......... If not then why?.... I can ask many questions and all kinds of different ways but unless I ask him I'll never know and the thing is I wouldn’t even know the truth if I asked the only person in the world that could tell it in the first place because........... he doesn’t know how to tell the truth.............. he doesn’t know how to treat people with respect............ he doesn’t know how to not get mad over the smallest thing possible.............. He doesn’t know when to stop.............. He doesn’t know how to let people know what’s going on.......... (I didn’t know I had a new baby cousin until 4 months after he was born)........ I want to hate him SO bad......... but I can’t......... I need him in my life .......... but at the same time if he were in my life  I don’t know how long Id last....... his eyes the way his eyes burn a whole in mine when I’ve done something wrong in his mind........ It messes me up inside... I wish I could say I’m a strong person but the one person that has forever screwed me over I can’t seem to even look at picture with him in it without crying inside! I get goose bumps every time my brother says ........mails here(“His” name is Mel)............ I’m emotionally disturbed and everyone in my family seems to think I’m fine when I’m not........ They think I’m fine but what they don’t know is that I know how to put on a damn good act and smile when inside I really want to cry my heart out! I can’t seem to close my eyes without him looking back at me........ When its 4am I can’t seem to sleep because I’m afraid I'll dream a dream from hell or at least what seems to be my own little piece of hell anywayz........ When I was a kid I thought it was normal but then I soon realized it wasn’t........ I can’t explain the feeling of always being afraid that some day I’ll run into him! I can’t walk out of my house with out thinking he may show up at anytime…... how can someone be so afraid of someone that helped bring them in to the world? I wish I had never been brought in to the world or at least ‘his’ world! I don’t understand why he thought he had to control my life and he DID! Why did he have to do this to me? If only he knew how much he truly hurt me inside! No one really knows and I feel as if no one really cares either!