I love having secrets. They make me feel important, powerful, but I never manage to keep them secret. Why is that? Can you tell me? Let me tell you a tale, about a misguided child. Then maybe you will reconsider what secrets you carry deep inside you.
She was young and stupid, as we all once were, and deep inside still are. She had a dream. She had a dream she kissed a girl. This sparked a worry inside her. What if she wasn’t interested in guys? This child had a maternal instinct stronger then most. Her desire to have life inside her was more intense then most. She wanted a picture perfect family as most children do, and she was in tune with reality at an earlier age then others around her. This dream provoked the thought of the intensity of being a reject in the eyes of society and how difficult her life would be. Everything she desired in life would be ripped out from under her if she was not what society marked as ‘normal’. One day, while thinking about this dream and walking along a trail with her parents, she turned to them and posed a question. “If I was a lesbian would you accept me?” Without a moments hesitation her father responded with a sharp no. She laughed it off and cracked jokes about it with her family and soon the thought it was meant simply as a young girl being silly about a topic she hardly understood. Instead, her worry turned into a fear, and then a terror as time when by and she wasn’t interested in guys. What she did not realize was the fact that she might have simply been too young to feel the grip of love in a young heart. She wanted to no longer have to worry about such silly things as if she really was ‘normal’ so she decided the best way to stop worrying would be to prove she liked guys. She went onto a chat room game and met a guy. She was 13 years old and she was having cyber with a supposed 21 year old man. This gave her a fling of excitement every time, and kept her content. Then she realized how wrong what she was doing was, and began to feel ashamed by the lying to her family who began to suspect something was wrong in the way she was living her life. After a year of being with this mystery man online, she stopped talking to him. It was difficult, but she managed. Once she was all alone again the old fear resurfaced. What if… what if… The questions posed themselves again and again. She agreed to go to an end of the year dance with a boy she was uninterested in, convincing herself she liked him so she wouldn’t have to worry anymore. At the dance the boy asked her out and she agreed simply so that she could lose the idea of innocence that had been settled on her shoulders by the children at her school. Thus ended her middle school life and as summer continued, she realized she had no desire to be with this boy. She broke up with him at the end of the summer and once again began to worry… what if? There was a party with many guys present. She flirted with them and was disrespectful to her body in a flirtatious way. This began a new chapter in her life in which she allowed herself to be a semi slut. She went around with these guys, although never letting anything sever happen. Still, things began to get deeper and deeper, and then school started again and possibly saved her from a bad path in life. She still allowed the past to relive itself occasionally when she attended certain events at the school in which she could sneak out of the public eye for am moment with a certain someone. She was at the age where she had discovered she could feel the excitement of a touch. The problem was that being touched by someone you do not love makes you numb to it, and soon it no longer phased to her and she began to feel lost again. One night she had another dream about a girl, and she woke up to remember the first dream, and the conversation with her parents so many years before. The scab had fallen off her fear and fresh blood soaked her life. She began to worry once more. She began to hate herself for questioning. She hated herself for the online relationship and allowing the guys to make her numb. She didn’t think she would ever feel again. Then she met a guy. He was intense and she believed he was good enough to help her shed her innocent appearance, and get her into drugs. He refused to let her get into drugs, and he seemed fun to be around, but he was bad news. He caused her to have to lie to her family. She began to hate herself even more. Her family distrusted him and soon her. Every time she closed her door there were questions. She was at her wits end. He cheated on her, twice. She had enough. She broke it off. She wanted to hurt him, as much as possible. He liked another girl… who liked her... He wanted this new girl. He told both of them so. She told the new girl she liked her back. Here comes the question that she still ponders, does she really like that girl? Or is she just allowing her fears to engulf her, and living them out? Does she really like the girl or is she just trying to get back at him? Does she like the girl, or is she just afraid to be alone? Does she like the girl, or does she just like to have secrets? Well, she had always said, you know who you like on the first kiss. She snuck away during a show at her school, broke back into the school, ran to the hallway where she had snuck with another boy so long ago, and stood there, looking into the girl’s eyes. This is it, she thought. They kissed, they made out… Tightly they held each other. Time was running out and they had to return to the show before they were discovered. They got caught, but they were through already. They sweat talked there way back into the show and out of trouble. She sat there watching the rest of the show… not knowing. Nothing was clear. Was she bi? Not even she could tell you that one, not yet at least. And now she had a deep secret. Her sister promised to share everything with her and she returned on that promise, but is this sharable? Should this paper ever be read by anyone besides the very girl whose story it reveals? Is it possible that there are some secrets that truly are meant to be kept a secret? Every decision chances our world and how our lives turn out. So now this poor child has a heavy secret to bear. She must make a decision which could alter a relationship forever. So she tries to put words on paper to make everything easier, map it out, but she sees nothing but letters and lines, and nothing makes sense. This poor child is lost in a black area in society, balancing on the edge of the world she knows, and staring down into a pool of chaos. This child just wants to ask for help, but she doesn’t know how. She has always been able to run from her fears in the past, but now two people are involved. She could break a heart now. She can’t help but wonder now, if she had never had that dream, how different her life would be…
Drama
Created on 6-8-07
Views(119)
Story Rating G
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