Owned By A Rapist... (Part Twelve)

All my flesh was ripping, then tearing. Siring, then burning, I was engulfed in flames.

    Every movement I made the reaction to it would make my body do a terrible thing; an involuntary signal was sent to my brain, I wasn’t certain on what my body was trying to achieve but every time the signal was sent a jolt of electricity-like wave pulsed through my veins.

    Stop it brain! What are you doing to me?!?!

My narrative was escalating slowly into its former state, where it would tell me everything I will do, what I won’t do, what I want to do and so on. And then the other side of my mind, the theatrical part of my narrator which would tell me to do the truly irrational things. The things that I didn’t find possible, I never would pay attention to that side.

    I was slowly settling into the comfort zone to which my pain was now becoming, I could still feel the fire within every inch underneath my skin but my mind tried to block out the pain, just like nothing was there, it was painful, but what part in my life isn’t?

    The overwhelming pain was beginning to reduce with every slow breath I took, but with every breath I took I felt like my throat was lined with sandpaper, grinding together every time my lips parted to breath or when I began to exhale through my nose. But the pain was moderately fading due to an overpowering feeling of calming and comforting, this was all due to Logan. Even though I knew he had no clue to what had happened t he still sat beside me lying lifelessly on his bed caressing my tormented skin on my beaten hand.

    In my mind the smoothing dominated, leaving me with no scarring burn.

Even though I felt so content, I just laid in the vanquished form of my former self feeling absolutely conquered by hurt. Like always I was defeated.

****

It took me countless hours to open my eyes back up and stare directly at Logan, who hadn’t left my side for the duration of the war I was fighting against my own self harm.

“Lilly? Can you hear me?”

“No” I spoke bluntly in a raspy voice

“How do you feel?” I thought about my answer for a few seconds but nothing could really explain to how I was feeling, so I spoke a few words I did feel.

“I feel defeated, conquered, vanquished, overpowered, crushed... Would you like me to go on?” I watched him shake his head form side to side.

“Will you tell me what happened?”

“Negative”

“And why would that be?”

“Because I have no idea myself, I cannot comprehend what happened”

“Do you remember how you felt?”

“At first I felt comforted, truly relaxed which was a new feeling for me. But when my head sunk underneath the water surface I felt trapped, the feeling of contentment was so tremendous it trapped me and held me under, leaving me completely immobilised” he sat there taking in everything I said but once I finished an empty look splashed over his face, which obviously meant he was lost.

“Translate please?” Translate? This angered me

“Translation: My body didn’t want to survive anymore, but obviously my mind did. Translation enough for you?” I barked at him, in a sudden small burst of anger.

He was silent for a few moments.

“...You tried to kill yourself” his hand broke of contact with mine which suddenly sent the pain jolting back into my flesh and bones.

“Ridiculous”

“How dare you!” he raised his voice at me, staring down.

“How dare I what?” I asked puzzled

“I invited you into my home, trusted you to stay and be responsible while staying here and you abuse that! How dare you do such a thing?”

“You did not invite me! I was shoved upon you and you had nothing to do about it. I can’t help that I drifted of because I was happy” he let of a sarcastic laugh

“Being happy doesn’t leading to lost of control”

“WELL MAYBE NOT TO YOU BECAUSE YOU CAN DEAL WITH IT! I’M NEVER HAPPY; I GET FUCKING TORTURED AND THROWN IN AND OUT OF SICKOS LIFE NEVER DECIDING ANYTHING FOR MYSELF. AND YOU BLAME ME FOR TAKING HAPPINESS THE WRONG WAY? I’m sorry I’m not as fortunate as you to be happy” Every emotion drained from his face, and he stuttered “I-I’m sorry”

“Don’t be, I understand how frustrating I must be to you”

“No you’re---“

“Just leave me alone” I choked “please”

    With no words spoken Logan just stood and walked from his room, to leave me lying wrestling with my conscious. I couldn’t believe he had the nerve to say that I’m in the wrong because I’m never happy! Well I’m definitely not happy now.

    Morbid emotions were present in me, the happiness left once I no longer felt Logan’s touch. I was once again empty.