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ShatteredTulip

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             It has been a long while since I have ever stepped foot in the depths of that cavern; the same cavern that still affects me in memory today. But sometimes, I believe that it is never a good idea for me to forget what is behind me; especially the changes in the stages in my life.

            As I first recalled, the first thing that I had ever remembered after birth was being bound by something; I didn’t know what it was but nor did I care. My body was stiff and it felt fragile on the inside as if I could only be helpless and wait for nothing. Everything I felt in myself was empty from those first moments of my life to what seemed like years from there on. At a certain point, I began to, for the first time, open my eyes and realize the feeling of sight; it burned so badly as I could scarcely realize the images that were being presented ahead of me. It was a painful experience then but for me to be finally able to think and realize that I existed gave me a bit of purpose for myself to live. But as hard as I tried, I could not break free and set my mind elsewhere but where I was now.

            But the time came when I began to depict something in my existence: the recognition of two strange figures that seemed to hover around where I existed. I could only gaze at them as time went on where I noticed that they were pointing at darker figures on the walls of the dark surroundings. But as I didn’t understand the meaning to what point the figures were making, I began to grow insane through not being able to understand. Something I called a voice came from myself and it suddenly breached another sense of mine that I had never realized: my ears. But as I used more and more of my voice, I realized that the two figures that stood before me became violent and struck at me with objects right into my mind; I could only cry in fear as I shouted to be released from the pain.

            As each of the days went on from where I stood, I began to recognize more and more of each of the figures that moved in my life; so I decided to name the things that moved across the surface of the wall. There were so many things that I could enjoy with my new found senses as I realized that I was slowly understanding more than I believed I could. And as the days went by, I could see some figures passing by my vision and coming closely to me with a sharp tool of some sort. Taking that tool, I noticed that they struck me with it; but there was very little pain compared to the kinds of pain that I suffered from the very first days of my existence. Instead, I could hear a soft clang as something small fell to the ground at each passing moment when a figure would come by and strike me. With each strike that I experienced, I could feel that slowly, I was feeling more resilient to the pain that had struck fear to me years before; I felt stronger.

            But feeling stronger did not mean that I could be free yet since there was the day where I had only one more thing to be known before I could fully remove all the pain; and that was just to meet a certain person. I assumed that I knew enough to pass whatever test this person held against me but foolishly enough, I was perplexed about how this person spoke to me when he stood on front of me. I could only remember the phrase, “You are a disciple and you must never lack faith or belief in me,” as I fell and was caught in the midst of my fall.

            As I was left on the ground of the cavern, I noticed that there stood before me were the two similar figures that I had always seen on the majority of the moments of my life. My head was bent upward toward their direction and I felt tingly all over my body; it was resisting movement commands. For the first time in a long while, I felt helpless on by just laying on the ground motionless at the moment; wiggling and squirming as I felt that no one was going to help me. Then I heard something only I could have understood: “There comes a time when you’re going to have to learn how to pick yourself up; that time happens to be now and we are not going to stop for you anymore.” That was the last I had ever heard from those two figures; they seemingly vanished from my senses and I was left to figure out the world on my own.

            On my own… That was what I struggled through as I hopelessly let tears flow across my face and onto the ground. As I stayed there paralyzed by lack of movement, I had enough strength to lift my head and realize the flowing objects that fell from my face; I looked at the small puddle on the cavern ground as I saw something; a figure, as I only could explain it and this one seemed to also be letting out tears the same way I had been. But it was only a matter of time before I could only believe that that was my reflection; the very image of myself that I had never actually seen since my existence was created.

            And strangely enough, as I began to note my true existence, I smirked and chuckled to myself that it had been such a long time for me to have realized my true self. Laughing out of a strange joy, I could not have felt happier that moment in my life as I began to acknowledge myself while I lifted myself off of the murky floor of the cavern. My vision was clearer now as I viewed the area from where I now “stood”. Despite the eeriness of the cavern and the strangeness of people with objects walking, I smiled profoundly as I knew that from this day forth, I was free!

            But even with freedom, I didn’t know where to belong; I needed a purpose so that I could truly live with a reason to my existence. As I began to stagger across countless bound people, I heard strange words from their directions as they slowly acknowledged my presence unmindfully. I noticed in the great distance that there was a large bright hole in the cavern wall as I finally passed by everyone who was bound from movement; a great tunnel stretched between the two paths from me to the light and I could do nothing but follow my way towards it.

            As I started my journey, I noticed a flood of other people that were also following my similar pathway to the light; they looked all different from each other but most of all, when I continued my walk toward the direction of the light, I fell into as a part of the entire crowd. I heard voices all around me; some which were greeting me and some that warded me away. But still, my path was clear to me as I realized that the light became brighter and brighter as each step took me closer to the light.

            The trail continued onward without any bumps in the road and no one tired during this part of the journey; but by then, I had learned about each individual that followed along in the large crowd. I was never ahead of the group, nor was I ever behind the group when I walked in the direction toward the light; the light was our only guide and we continued to walk toward it.

            But eventually, there came a time when I felt fatigued through years of long travel and I was only left behind; the journey did not wait for anyone as I soon realized when I sat exhausted near the tunnel’s wall. Weariness gripped me as I rested on the wall without any care to what happened to the group that I had traveled along with; that had been the last time I had ever seen any of them. But soon enough, when I was ready to move again, I slowly lifted myself with ease and began to double up on the distance that I had lost by resting. Dashing toward the direction of the light at the end of the tunnel, I wished that I would be able to make it.

            As I was speeding along the trail, I began to notice that the tunnel began to twist and swerve a little around in every direction; there were diverging tunnels that were placed on both sides of the main tunnel I followed. But still, there was no time and I had to move faster to catch up with the others that I wanted to find. I eventually stopped however, in the path of another small crowd that were all going in the same direction that I was: toward the light at the end of the tunnel. Feeling indifferent, I spent a long time walking at the edge of this new crowd and silently learning about them as we approached our goal slowly to the light.

            But the longer I stood by this group, the more I realized that more cavern tunnels were diverging from the main path; some of which small parts of the crowd decided to leave into. All I could see were that the caverns were pitch black with darkness and the people who left into them never seemed to reappear. With a small sense of uncertainty, I noticed an increase in more and more cavern tunnels as I approached the slowly widening light opening. There was a sense of enthusiasm as I approached the bright light but I felt slowly strange as more people from my group were beginning to leave again; some going through new caves, some stopping from exhaustion, and many other reasons.

            The caves that surrounded my small remaining group were now beginning to light up as we each passed by them one by one. At some point I started to notice some people in the group beginning to leave in pairs toward the false lights that came from these new tunnels; light that shown a color that had a mix of red, orange, and yellow. I was perplexed by the new light but I didn’t diverge away from my main goal toward the main light at the end of the main tunnel.

            But I quickly lost confidence as I saw more of the group fall apart into new different caverns; some of which where some people were luring my group members away with new colored lights that were more appealing than the common bright light we saw ahead. Remorsefully, I slowly continued onward with the very few people who stood last of the crowd that hadn’t ventured away yet.

            Long years went by however, as I still continued my long journey toward the direction of the bright light; I had experienced hate from new groups that blended within my small group and I was also faced with loss as more people that I got to know vanished into the depths of other deceptive tunnels along the way. The journey was a painful experience as I slowly began to feel an urge into the direction of a false tunnel; a place where I could rest and sleep away all of my thoughts. I couldn’t be sure though since I had already come a long way from birth to the search for existence; the bright light was the only way I would ever find answers.

            But once a little more time came by, many of the people who walked the long journey grew tired of the search for truth and moved toward a pitch-black tunnel to let themselves leave from the strain. As more and more people left from the group, my heart sank as I saw people who had been held dearly to my heart leave away to never be seen from again. But alas, there was only me and one other girl that remained on the main path toward the bright light.

            It was strange though, that she was the very last person to hold a place in my heart; the only one I hadn’t lost to another tunnel.

“What do you see at the end of this tunnel?” she asked whenever I felt the urge to select a dark alternative tunnel. I would always answer the same way to her, “Nothing…” and we both would continue toward the direction of the brighter light. I felt something strange for her but I didn’t have the courage to express it but when the time came when we reached the close end to the main tunnel; the light was now shrouding me with a strange feeling.

 But still, I did not say anything about my feeling to her; I was afraid of what was to occur if I decided to change her mind about something. The time came when we were merely steps away from the outside of the tunnel; and only one diverging tunnel was left in the midst of our path. That path blazed a beautiful crimson red color as I noticed that the two of us were drawn toward it; however, I quickly drew myself away from its deception. But I could only realize that the last person in my group shifted her way toward the final diverging tunnel; I yelled to stop her from getting any closer.

“The color…That is the answer that I’ve been looking for…” And with that phrase, another person within the tunnel holding the torch with the shimmering crimson red light took her into his arms and led her away into the deep tunnel. In the middle of my tears, I saw a crimson red colored flame appear right below her left shoulder blade; it liquefied slowly into a deeper red as I realized that the shimmering torch was slowly dying out. Slowly approaching the gate of the bright light that I had dearly traveled so far to all my life, I cleared my eyes from trouble as I stepped into the light…

As I stepped into the light, I felt a huge moment of change as the light consumed me; there was now nothing left to hide or to be hidden. Feeling the burn to my sight, I quickly turned away from the source of the light only to be keen to one major thought: was there a point for me to come up all the way this far and be afraid of what would enlighten me? Would there be a point to wasting all of my efforts to get here and yet, throw it all away because I fear the pain that this light causes me?

I didn’t hesitate when I finally opened my eyes to the blurring light that seared right through my vision, my eyes, and into my mind. The pain of it all was unreal at an extraordinary level and it felt unbearable as I fell to the ground, realizing the real truth of my existence. The truth of reality spread throughout me, burning through all of my past beliefs and replacing them with scarring truths that I regret ever learning; my beliefs left me completely as I was left without the use of vision, but the sense of truth drowned my empty heart. I knew now that those chains from the cavern were going to pull me back into the darkness but I was too tired of resisting anymore; it was best to leave my senses to the light…

Without the misguidance of vision, the truth could be understood when I stood bound to the stake that I had been bound to since the first moment I existed. No longer did I see illusions of the shadows along the walls that other people believed were real but knowing the real truth troubled me; my experience would only be denied. But even if no one bothered to listen to me, I felt safe to know that I existed now, in a real world where the cave was merely an actual haven, and reality could be changed in a moment for a single reason: it was my reality and none of my senses could change that...