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LindaLisa

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My mother found the strength to end her life when I was a child. There was no cry for help. All of her pain she kept inside and could no longer hide. Both life and love could not be saved; she took them both to the grave. She not only took her own life but that of my family's as well.

She never said sorry.

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She died and left a blood kiss....:


On that day, my mother picked up my two older half brothers from Jr High school. She had been drinking a little, but she would never smoke. She didn't want cancer to kill her.

She drove to her fathers house, my grandpa. I was just a baby and she was so happy that she finally had her little girl that she wanted all of her life. At the house later that night, there was her father, her brother and his wife, her aunt, her two sons and I.

My family was there playing poker when she began to talk about leaving her new husband again, my father. My mother had been beaten and stab many times from my father She would leave him, only to later return many times. No one would believe her this time as she stated to everyone that THIS would be the last time she would leave him.

                                       She made sure of that.

She walked to the other room, found my grandpas 9mm, placed it in her mouth and pulled the trigger...

Everyone heard it and ran to the other room. Her two young sons got to watch as our grandpa held her crying and trying to suck the blood out of her month. He kissed her bloody lips. He was in so much shock that he could not see that the back of her head was gone. There was lots of screaming and yelling. This was the second time my grandpa held one of his children in his arms after suicide. His little girl Linda Lea, who I am named after, took her life at the age of 17.

The after math:

Everyone in my family went crazy after that night, but me. My real father ran. My half brothers want nothing to do with me because, they believe that if I were not born that she would be with their father and still be alive.  That is want hurts me the most.

My aunt was always crazy. My uncle later tried to kill his wife and two kills wit ha shotgun and when to jail. My grandpa was the only one that could take me in. I lived with him till he past away in 1999. I was 17 and left all alone with nothing. All this because of suicide. What a shame.

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What she did to my family is unforgivable.

                                                 She got off easy.

Suicide is a way for you to get away. But really it just leaves behind so much pain with the people that cared for you. I DO NOT feel sorry for her or anyone that takes his or her own life. I feel sorry for the people that have to live on after. I will not let the excuses of mental illness change my mind. Someone that kills others also have mental illnesses. I will not feel sorry for a murderer so I dont feel sorry for people that kill themselves. Many people have had bad childhoods and lives, not all resort to suicide or murder.

It is just an excuse.

I had to deal with having no family and all alone for the years that matter the most.  It is a struggle everyday of my exists without a helping hand or a place to go for the holidays. I have never had a mommy or a daddy ever kiss me goodnight.  No birthday parties or cards. I will never have someone to walk me down the aile at my wedding or have one person there that is my family.  I am not an adopted child that has hopes that someday I will find my real family.  All because of suicide.  I have made me who I am and that is all I could do.  I had to do it to survive.  It feels forced but I am not ashamed of what I had to do to make it.

My Notes To Readers:

I wanted to write about suicide, because lately I have heard so many talk about it. These people are play with the thoughts and words as if it were candy.

To me, it is like a loaded gun. Many of them use treats of suicide you get others attention, like a screaming child in a toy store yelling if they cant have something they will just die. Just like hearing that child's foolish begging, I really don't want to hear that you want to kill yourself for the sake of it being the next cool thing to get attention.
True, some of these people do have problems and it is hard to deal with. I have studied abnormal psychology for years with my mayor, because I wanted to have a better understanding with mental disorders and why my mother came to this conclusion.

People with suicidal tendencies have an unwillingness to seek help because of the stigma attached to mental health and substance abuse disorders or suicidal thoughts. A very few ever talk about committing suicide before they commit it. I am not saying that I will not care if someone comes to me saying that they are thinking about suicide. I take their distress seriously, and listen nonjudgmental.

I am talking about the people that are using this to get their way because they did not like the out come of something such as with school, parents, boy/girl friend, ect. I want to say to those people that suicide is not a game. You cant go around playing with peoples hearts in such a way. It is just like someone claiming that they were raped that was not. Both false claims makes it harder the people that have been raped or really need help about suicide to have others stand by them and take them seriously.


Please think before you do something like this. If this just help one past something like this or stops someone.  I am happy to share. I can only use my life and the pain to help others and take the power away from the evil.

Love,
Linda Lisa