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 Created on 2-16-07
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6) Days of Fear and JealousyThe few days following the news, Carrie looked over her shoulder constantly. She was afraid she would see him behind her. She prayed in her head everyday when she woke up for him to not be here, not to be waiting at the end of the drive way ready to take her away. Krys had returned from her trip and had noticed the change in C.J. and of course she was curious. Carrie hadn't told Krys of her father yet. It'd be too complicated to explain it all now. The only one she had ever told was Raine. Raine was all she had in this battle. Of course there was Deirdra, but she wasn't going to risk hurting Deirdra with discussion. To tell the truth, Carrie was afraid herself but what she was afraid of was Deirdra's reaction to this. If she had talked to her about it, what would she say? How would she respond to Carrie? She dared not risk it. For a long time before this Raine and Carrie had been planning for C.J. to visit soon. Those plans were smashed when Ron came into the picture, even though he isn't in this picture yet. He was like the nightmare that woke you up in the middle of the night with a cold sweat. The kind that you couldn’t fall back asleep after, that haunted your day and made you afraid to sleep the next night. He was all C.J. thought about, what she dreaded. He was on Deirdra's mind as well, and it was noticeable. Everyday C.J. noticed the crying and the fear in her eyes. She knew the fear could only be caused by not knowing if he's found them yet. The letter from Raine kept C.J. strong. It helped her keep breathing and held her head high for her. She had read the letter so many times certain parts were stuck in her head. She remembered them every time she felt her heart and soul weaken. She remembered those words every time she lost a little more hope. Raine's daily calls were changing. They had their laughs but the ends were always nothing but tears. Tears that were caused by Carrie's fear and pain and Raine's inability to hold her and help. Deirdra was greatly considering sending Carrie Back up to New York for a “breather” vacation. Just so she could clear her head and be with Raine. Raine encouraged it, but Carrie refused. She knew that if she left Deirdra would be left alone to fight him if he came or to fight herself while she waited for him to. What C.J. didn't know is that Deirdra was trying to send her so even if he did come she would be away; Deirdra was trying to protect Carrie. Carrie thought of school and Krystin. Krys would worry so much if Carrie just left out of nowhere with all of everything going on. Carrie’s thoughts of cutting became so frequent, that they blocked out all the thoughts in her head. It was no longer a tradition but it was becoming a need. She desired to pick up anything and run it across her skin. The last bits of happiness she could remember were of Raine and of the freedom and control cutting gave her. Every time she went to break, to pick up a razor, she thought of Raine's words and read the letter again. The letter had given her so many second chances at life. If there was no letter, if Raine had never written her feelings for C.J., Carrie might have taken it too far and given up on living altogether. Krys had always wondered about the letter but knew not to ask. Even though C.J. was her best friend, she knew that Carrie had her secrets. It did sort of upset Krystin because Carrie didn’t get as close to her as she obviously had someone else. Krystin wanted that sort of friendship with Carrie. She wasn't jealous of Raine, she had told herself she just wanted to have what she had. Carrie was giving something in herself to someone else, and Krys only wanted to know who that someone is. She thought a few times of writing a letter to C.J. and asking her who he was. Who really was this boy that Carrie was so in love with? She knew it was love. When Carrie would read that unknown letter, when she would close herself up and think; Krys could see a look in her eyes. There was this look of hope and comfort. Only real love could bring a look like that. Krystin knew that look all too well. She was in love once. Things didn’t turn out like they were supposed to though. She had lost him. Actually, he was taken from her. Decisions that neither of them had made had ended up taking the only person who made her happy. The only person, that is, until Carrie came along. Carrie was Krystin’s best friend and all Krys wanted was to find out what, or who, had gotten her so entrapped into this separate world. A part of her wanted to be that person. The one person who could make Carrie zone into happiness. Maybe it wasn’t happiness that Carrie zoned into but it was somewhere Krys wanted to be with her. Krys had a secret, like most people, that she herself didn’t even fully know. She had an idea but she wasn’t positive. All she knew was Carrie gave her this feeling she never felt before. Carrie hadn’t said much to Krys in the past few days, a couple of weeks in fact. They had their normal small conversations but something was missing in Carrie. Krystin could see it in her eyes. All she could do was ask. One day in Calculus Carrie was sitting working and Krys sat next to her writing. Carrie could see a lot of emotion in her face while she wrote. She knew that whatever was in her head was pouring out of her onto this piece of paper. What had been so securely on her mind? Carrie, since the day she met Krystin, knew something was weird. Krystin never looked at Carrie the way most of her friends would. Krystin had this lost but found look on her. Like she knew where she was but she wasn’t actually there. She was inside her thoughts and nothing but that pen and paper appears to be able to pull her out. The thing that happened next surprised Carrie. She looked over at Krystin and she was crying. Tears were running down her face, off her chin and down to her paper. What had gotten her so upset? She put her pencil down and shook Krystin’s arm. “Hey, are you okay? What’s wrong?” Krystin didn’t lift her head, she just shook it. Carrie hates when people tell her nothing or shake their heads when something is obviously wrong. “Don’t give me that, I invented the nothing. Tell me what’s wrong.” She just shook her head again, wiped her tears and folded the note. She wrote something on the cover, slipped it on Carries desk, put her head down and wept. Carrie just stared at the note. It had her name on it so it was obviously for her. Should she open it now or wait until Krys wasn’t there? Just incase she should wait until after class so that is she needed to she could still talk to Krys before they go Home. She had one period after this and then they had art together. They never did anything in art so it was okay. She’d read the note next period and then decide if she should write back or talk to her. What should she do now though? There is still 35 minutes left in class and Krystin is sitting there crying! All of her work was done and Krys seemed done with hers for the day so she’d what she could do. She zipped he bag and put it over her shoulder, walked over to Captain Major’s desk and asked him if she and Krystin could take a breather in the hall to calm her down. They only called him captain major behind his back because he was in the military and got dishonorably discharged. Every time he tries to justify his acts he changes his position. It was a captain and a major, a sergeant and a colonel. He never got his story straight, but still preferred the utmost respect from his students. He glared at her. “What’s wrong with Krystin?” Of course the insensitive prick hadn’t even noticed Krystin’s tears. No one but Carrie had. I think Krys preferred it that way. “I don’t know that’s why I’d like to take her to the hall and find out,” Carrie practically screamed at him. “Listen, if you don’t lose that sarcasm now then the only place you are going is to ISS. Now get outta my class and take that with you.” He pointed to Krystin, covered in tears and makeup running, who was stunned at what Carrie had just done for her. To stand up to Captain Major was a big thing. Carrie did a half solute and said “Sir, yes sir.” They walked out to the hall, with all of their things in their bags. When Carrie closed the door Krystin looked at her and said “You didn’t have to do that! Now every one will be asking me what was wrong.” Carrie, shocked by Krys’s anger, rolled her eyes and started to walk down the hall. “What is with you anyways? You’re so… I don’t even know what you are!” Krystin shifted her backpack from one shoulder to the other and caught up with Carrie. “Listen just read the note and it will explain everything.” Carrie looked at her and said “I was gonna read it next period so I can write back by art.” Krystin was walking with her head down. They stopped at a bench and sat down. “I’m not sure you can write back. I mean if you can please do but, just let it sink in before you answer alright?” They sat there, in silence, until the bell rang. Carrie was thinking again and Krys say it in her face she was back where she’s been hiding lately. Krystin stood up, gave Carrie a hug goodbye like she always does and told her she’d see her in art. Carrie walked away and head to her next class thinking of what Krystin had said to her a few minutes ago. Let it sink in before answer. What was there to let sink in? As she took her seat in debate, she read the topic on the board. It was another day of arguing whether or not skirts should be allowed to come pass the mid thigh. This topic was pointless to Carrie and she hasn’t participated in class in 3 days. She took out Krystin’s note. There were pictures in pencil all over it and a design added to the edges in green ink but there was a lot written, all in red. Carrie did always love Krystin’s cursive. She wrote sort of big though.
Dearest Carrie,
There is a lot I need to tell you. A lot I need to ask you as well. I’ll start with the questions. Who is he? Right when Carrie got to the question, an announcement sounded calling her to the office. She was being signed out. 7) The Truth in Red InkWhen the announcement sounded Carrie folded the note and stuck it in her pocket. She needed to finish reading it. What was that question asking in fact? Krys can’t already know who Ron is. They’ve never talked about it. She rode home in silence. She wasn’t going to read the note in front of her mom. When she got home she threw her things on her floor and lay down on her stomach on her bed. She opened the note and started from where she stopped.Almost every time I look at you, you are off in your own world. Someone gave me that look once. Who is this boy who has you so in love and so strung out? Who is this person who could make you retreat to a place where you are happy? What has been going on at home? You are always so jumpy. You look like someone is after you and you don’t know when they are gonna jump out and grab you. What are you so afraid of? You can tell me anything, you know that. Don’t you? I guess I should go on to the things I have been keeping from you. I wasn’t really all that sure until just lately. Carrie I hope this doesn’t change things between us. You’re my best friend, my only friend here. Carrie I’m gay. Well maybe not fully. I’ve been in love with this one boy. He was taken from me. Even when I was with him for those 2 years, I knew that there was something else. I looked at girls, and not the way most girls look and j judge other girls. I looked at them the same I looked at boys. Please don’t think any different of me.Carrie always knew this about Krystin. From the first day she saw her. Her wolf eyes always told the truth. They sort of screamed for someone to know the truth. Carrie only knew because she saw it every time she gazed into those gorgeous eyes. C.J. herself had felt something. The way that Krys played with her red hair or reapplied her eyeliner made Carrie smile. C.J. always seemed to notice the black around her eyes and the black of her pupil made the yellow stand out more, like a colored sunflower in a black and white picture. It had always made C.J. feel pleasantly uneasy. She felt like there was something she wasn’t telling herself. She glanced back at the note.Please don’t freak out or become uneasy around me. Carrie I Love You, as a friend and maybe as more. You make me so happy. I love coming to school everyday and hearing you voice. I get to wake up and see your smile. The smile on your face entraps me, but it’s the smile in your eyes that I have fallen so in love with. I’m going to stop now so you can gather your thoughts. I’m not sure what to say except I’m sorry for throwing this at you when so much is obviously going on already in your life. I hope to talk to you tomorrow, but if you don’t want to talk to me again, I understand. Just know that I’ve always cherished your friendship. You were the first and only person to be nice to me here and I appreciate it.
Krystin.Carrie was taken away. All the things Krys said about Carries smile and eyes. Carrie never would have guessed it was her that Krys would end up falling in love with. She had to write back of course but she also had to call Raine! What would she tell her though? That her best friend down here loved her and maybe Carrie loved her back? How would Raine take that? How will Krystin take it? Carrie decided just to not tell Krys that she might have feelings back. Carrie started on the letter to Krystin. Krystin,
I don’t hate you, you’re not a freak either. You’re my best friend. Nothing that you say can make me change my mind about that! I should answer your questions. There is no boy. The person, who makes me “retreat” as you say, is my best friend Raine from New York. She’s like my sister and has helped me through a lot of hard times. In the letter that I read all the time, she wrote a lot of things that usually calm me down, and that’s what I think about so much. I should have known I can come to you too. I need her help sometimes. Yes, to answer your next question, I DO know that I can trust you with anything. Someone is after me and that’s why I am so jumpy. His name is Ron. He’s my real dad. When you were on vacation my mom told me that he found where we are living and is trying to fight for custody. I’m afraid of going with him. I don’t want to lose you! Everything I have would be lost. You know I love you too right? You’re my best friend. You’re all I have and I couldn’t have survived this far without you. As to your feelings for me, I really don’t know what to say. Those feeling won’t change anything though. You didn’t “throw” anything on my shoulders and you have no reason to be sorry. I’ll see you in class!
Carrie.Carrie walked into school the next day and gave Krystin the note, only after giving her a really big hug. She smiled at Krystin and walked to class. When she got to class she sat down and decided she was happy and wanted to read Raine’s letter. She unzipped the little pouch, took out the envelope, unfolded it and began to read.My Dearest Carolina Giovannia Smith:
Hey monkey, sorry to see that you have to read this. It only means that you are in trouble and no one is there to help you. I wrote this so you know that I am ALWAYS there with you. We share blood, hearts and souls. Through all of the times we are apart, we are together. You’re my little sister and I will always be here to take care of you. Whatever is going on to make you have to read this, just think about it and think about it hard. I want you to think of all the possibilities that will come from this, the bad ones AND the good ones. If you can’t think of any good ones you’re not thinking hard enough. You know you have other releases. Take pictures and turn them into something meaningful. Draw or write. You have always been good at those. Call me; you’ve been good at that too. Just remember to live, always keep breathing. Even if that means you have to breathe through your blood. Rip through your skin with hope that every slash will give you another renaissance, a chance to become who you truly are inside. If that is the choice you make, to bleed through deep cuts on your wrists, which I know is very relieving, just remember the more blood you lose the more of me is coming out too. My blood runs through your veins and if you lose enough blood you may lose me as well. I don’t ever want to lose you and I know you feel the same. So when you get that urge to slice through the pain that courses every vein in your body and that is pumped into every artery just picture me on your skin. My face, my smile, and my eyes will be looking into you. If you can go through with it, and make another crimson line, you’ve overcome your dependence and will no longer need me in your life. We both know that you just couldn’t keep that decision from me. You have a choice to make now. Do you want to end it when things are getting hard, even though they’ve been hard your whole life, or do you want to keep fighting? Piss the world off with every breath you take because they expect you to fall and all you do is rise. Show everyone that you are stronger than them. Make me proud. No matter what you decide, I want you to do what is right for you. Make no one else happy. Your happiness is all that should concern you in life. If your happiness involves keeping someone else in your life, than you need to fight hard for that person to stay. If your happiness depends on being in a place, than plant your feet and never leave. If you’re happy, your life will work out well. Since the day that you left, all I’ve thought about is you. I miss you so much. I hope that someday you come to visit me. Maybe even come back for good. Maybe I can come see you too. You’re my little monkey, and I will never forget how much you mean to me. Since the day you left, a part of me went with you. I sometimes feel so empty and alone without you here. I felt that even when you lived in town. I take my sadness and my loneliness and anger towards Deirdre and turn it into writing and pictures. Every time I get a call or a letter from you my heart skips a beat. It feels like you’re home with me again. Carrie, I have to tell you, I carved into that willow that’s out in the cemetery. It says “C.J.S. + L.D.W. sisters forever.” I hope that’s okay with you. I know we used to sort of make fun of the kids who carved their names in that tree, but I really felt the need to do it one day. It’s our tree. We’ve had more memories with that tree than anyone of those other carvings. Someday some poor souls may be sitting in that tree, on our limb, eating cupcakes or some futuristic junky crap food and making stories up about us, the invincible sisters. Making up different ideas about what our names were and what are lives were like. We could be legends in our own time. We will be sisters forever. I really hope I see you again soon. Things will never be the same as they used to be, but we can create new things. L.Y.L.A.S. Lorraine Denae Wallas
Dearest Carrie,
There is a lot I need to tell you. A lot I need to ask you as well. I’ll start with the questions. Who is he? Right when Carrie got to the question, an announcement sounded calling her to the office. She was being signed out. 7) The Truth in Red InkWhen the announcement sounded Carrie folded the note and stuck it in her pocket. She needed to finish reading it. What was that question asking in fact? Krys can’t already know who Ron is. They’ve never talked about it. She rode home in silence. She wasn’t going to read the note in front of her mom. When she got home she threw her things on her floor and lay down on her stomach on her bed. She opened the note and started from where she stopped.Almost every time I look at you, you are off in your own world. Someone gave me that look once. Who is this boy who has you so in love and so strung out? Who is this person who could make you retreat to a place where you are happy? What has been going on at home? You are always so jumpy. You look like someone is after you and you don’t know when they are gonna jump out and grab you. What are you so afraid of? You can tell me anything, you know that. Don’t you? I guess I should go on to the things I have been keeping from you. I wasn’t really all that sure until just lately. Carrie I hope this doesn’t change things between us. You’re my best friend, my only friend here. Carrie I’m gay. Well maybe not fully. I’ve been in love with this one boy. He was taken from me. Even when I was with him for those 2 years, I knew that there was something else. I looked at girls, and not the way most girls look and j judge other girls. I looked at them the same I looked at boys. Please don’t think any different of me.Carrie always knew this about Krystin. From the first day she saw her. Her wolf eyes always told the truth. They sort of screamed for someone to know the truth. Carrie only knew because she saw it every time she gazed into those gorgeous eyes. C.J. herself had felt something. The way that Krys played with her red hair or reapplied her eyeliner made Carrie smile. C.J. always seemed to notice the black around her eyes and the black of her pupil made the yellow stand out more, like a colored sunflower in a black and white picture. It had always made C.J. feel pleasantly uneasy. She felt like there was something she wasn’t telling herself. She glanced back at the note.Please don’t freak out or become uneasy around me. Carrie I Love You, as a friend and maybe as more. You make me so happy. I love coming to school everyday and hearing you voice. I get to wake up and see your smile. The smile on your face entraps me, but it’s the smile in your eyes that I have fallen so in love with. I’m going to stop now so you can gather your thoughts. I’m not sure what to say except I’m sorry for throwing this at you when so much is obviously going on already in your life. I hope to talk to you tomorrow, but if you don’t want to talk to me again, I understand. Just know that I’ve always cherished your friendship. You were the first and only person to be nice to me here and I appreciate it.
Krystin.Carrie was taken away. All the things Krys said about Carries smile and eyes. Carrie never would have guessed it was her that Krys would end up falling in love with. She had to write back of course but she also had to call Raine! What would she tell her though? That her best friend down here loved her and maybe Carrie loved her back? How would Raine take that? How will Krystin take it? Carrie decided just to not tell Krys that she might have feelings back. Carrie started on the letter to Krystin. Krystin,
I don’t hate you, you’re not a freak either. You’re my best friend. Nothing that you say can make me change my mind about that! I should answer your questions. There is no boy. The person, who makes me “retreat” as you say, is my best friend Raine from New York. She’s like my sister and has helped me through a lot of hard times. In the letter that I read all the time, she wrote a lot of things that usually calm me down, and that’s what I think about so much. I should have known I can come to you too. I need her help sometimes. Yes, to answer your next question, I DO know that I can trust you with anything. Someone is after me and that’s why I am so jumpy. His name is Ron. He’s my real dad. When you were on vacation my mom told me that he found where we are living and is trying to fight for custody. I’m afraid of going with him. I don’t want to lose you! Everything I have would be lost. You know I love you too right? You’re my best friend. You’re all I have and I couldn’t have survived this far without you. As to your feelings for me, I really don’t know what to say. Those feeling won’t change anything though. You didn’t “throw” anything on my shoulders and you have no reason to be sorry. I’ll see you in class!
Carrie.Carrie walked into school the next day and gave Krystin the note, only after giving her a really big hug. She smiled at Krystin and walked to class. When she got to class she sat down and decided she was happy and wanted to read Raine’s letter. She unzipped the little pouch, took out the envelope, unfolded it and began to read.My Dearest Carolina Giovannia Smith:
Hey monkey, sorry to see that you have to read this. It only means that you are in trouble and no one is there to help you. I wrote this so you know that I am ALWAYS there with you. We share blood, hearts and souls. Through all of the times we are apart, we are together. You’re my little sister and I will always be here to take care of you. Whatever is going on to make you have to read this, just think about it and think about it hard. I want you to think of all the possibilities that will come from this, the bad ones AND the good ones. If you can’t think of any good ones you’re not thinking hard enough. You know you have other releases. Take pictures and turn them into something meaningful. Draw or write. You have always been good at those. Call me; you’ve been good at that too. Just remember to live, always keep breathing. Even if that means you have to breathe through your blood. Rip through your skin with hope that every slash will give you another renaissance, a chance to become who you truly are inside. If that is the choice you make, to bleed through deep cuts on your wrists, which I know is very relieving, just remember the more blood you lose the more of me is coming out too. My blood runs through your veins and if you lose enough blood you may lose me as well. I don’t ever want to lose you and I know you feel the same. So when you get that urge to slice through the pain that courses every vein in your body and that is pumped into every artery just picture me on your skin. My face, my smile, and my eyes will be looking into you. If you can go through with it, and make another crimson line, you’ve overcome your dependence and will no longer need me in your life. We both know that you just couldn’t keep that decision from me. You have a choice to make now. Do you want to end it when things are getting hard, even though they’ve been hard your whole life, or do you want to keep fighting? Piss the world off with every breath you take because they expect you to fall and all you do is rise. Show everyone that you are stronger than them. Make me proud. No matter what you decide, I want you to do what is right for you. Make no one else happy. Your happiness is all that should concern you in life. If your happiness involves keeping someone else in your life, than you need to fight hard for that person to stay. If your happiness depends on being in a place, than plant your feet and never leave. If you’re happy, your life will work out well. Since the day that you left, all I’ve thought about is you. I miss you so much. I hope that someday you come to visit me. Maybe even come back for good. Maybe I can come see you too. You’re my little monkey, and I will never forget how much you mean to me. Since the day you left, a part of me went with you. I sometimes feel so empty and alone without you here. I felt that even when you lived in town. I take my sadness and my loneliness and anger towards Deirdre and turn it into writing and pictures. Every time I get a call or a letter from you my heart skips a beat. It feels like you’re home with me again. Carrie, I have to tell you, I carved into that willow that’s out in the cemetery. It says “C.J.S. + L.D.W. sisters forever.” I hope that’s okay with you. I know we used to sort of make fun of the kids who carved their names in that tree, but I really felt the need to do it one day. It’s our tree. We’ve had more memories with that tree than anyone of those other carvings. Someday some poor souls may be sitting in that tree, on our limb, eating cupcakes or some futuristic junky crap food and making stories up about us, the invincible sisters. Making up different ideas about what our names were and what are lives were like. We could be legends in our own time. We will be sisters forever. I really hope I see you again soon. Things will never be the same as they used to be, but we can create new things. L.Y.L.A.S. Lorraine Denae Wallas
Comments
Please Login to post comments| On April 20th 2007 tswieberg Said : | |
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Very long |
