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Someone saved my life tonight |
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Someone saved my life tonight
Short
 Created on 3-7-08
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She fell asleep in my arms and my mind kept racing. I started to think back to when we first met.
It was a night full of pain for me and I was so lost and she had stayed with me never leaving my side. I looked at her now sleeping here next to me so beautiful.
I always called her Angel from the begging but did not know she really was.
Some how she knew the dark place that I was in and something must have told her quietly a whisper in her heart don't leave her.
I remembered crying God help me as I started to follow though in my mind of my plan getting the pills out and putting them in front of me so I could see them all through the night so I would have them there for when I would get the courage to follow though.
I never thought help would show up in this way and to be honest I had given up and did not think it was going to come.
Everyone had said everything and nothing seem to be calling me out of the darkness that I had found.
I knew I only had one way out and I was pretty settled that this was the day.
In the beginning she wrote me a few times and then made a request could you please sit still for one moment???? that made me laugh because I did bounce off of walls. So i did just that... I slowed down... I wrote her back and waited.
I loved it that she already felt free to tell me to stay put... she was trying to talk with me and I would be on and off responding to her messages but never staying on long enough
for her to talk to me and I am sure she was getting quiet frustraighted....
I started to share my world with her piece by piece and she seem to recognize this puzzle very well.
She had worked out this puzzle before in her own life and she shared with me that things were looking up today for her. It took time but once the puzzle got completed she was very happy with the end results.
Hope?? I thought?? You mean this CAN get better?
I thought no she does not know where I am at but as I shared with her each thing she always came back to me and said yes I understand and I too have been where you are now with her own reckoning that a change of perception might be the answer to set me free.
She always let the choice be mine and challenged me to think about what my own answers could be rather then what I was saying and that felt good.
She was not telling me what to do she was not tell me anything other then she understood and she had made it through the storm and made it clear in many ways the very storm I found myself in now. She wanted me to know and understand that I was NOT alone.
She suddenly moved in the covers next to me and sighed... I reached for her back and touched her gently and then brushed her hair away from her face. I loved just watching her as she slept. I remembered the first time I saw her and I knew it was just a picture but from the moment I looked at her something called me to home. She was safe... I could see her standing in front of me with her arms open. Someone to run to and she would be there to hold me.
I did not want sex I wanted love. She had not said a word to me yet and she was the only one that I had written me back.
She did not scare me..Even her smile comforted me...
She never once took away any of my own strength but some how looking inside of me and reminding me of who I really was. Words she said to me were words as if my mother and her had met and had a good chat on how to reach me.
How the fuck do you know me I would think and then get angry that I was listening to her. She was messing up my plan.... My set in stone plan... and that could not happen. She was getting in to my head but most of all my heart....
I would look at the pills and type some more telling myself to calm down it was ok. I would finally get to be with Terry, Mom and Dad.
I was no good to anyone here.
Then she told me sternly in the chat to listen because I was again I was bouncing off the walls.... She brought me back again from my head. So I did...over and over again she would slow me down and bring me from my own head back to her to continue our conversation no matter how many times I would move away from my pain and what I was afraid of she always directed us both back to the issue at hand.
She knew I was so into my story that I could not get out of what I had told myself.
It was like a best friend coming along and saying HEY I KNOW YOU and you are going to listen to me so sit down be still and hear me out...but in a way that I did not feel that I was being given any altamatum.
However I was tired of talk... I wanted the pain to stop.
I always even in my darkest place however would always look for a sign. I based my whole life off of signs and I was willing to watch for that but even that didnt seem possible at this point.
I didn't want someone telling me what I wanted to hear nor did I want them telling me what they wanted me to hear.. There really was no win in this conversation.
I just needed to listen to someone that had nothing to gain and nothing to loose. Someone I did not owe..... anything to.
I listened and she began to ask me questions.
I would answer them. I did not answer all of them but to the best of what I was willing to share with her I did.
She spoke to me in a way that she knew me.
She knew enough to know what I needed to hear. I opened up a little more. She was not telling me what to do she was only reminding me of who I was.... and how she was once where I am now. God she knew me I would think as she talked... tears would start to well up in my eyes. Id try stop her and change the subject 'she was getting to close'
Id tell her I want to send you a song so I made an email to send her that song. At the very least I could give her Angels All Around You.
She would not know who I was but I wanted her to have that song....
She was so patient with me... even when I would charge in the other direction she never loss focus as to why we were here... or at least why she was here.
I thank God for her insight. I knew that had she not been who she was I would not be here today.
Suddenly she wrote me on chat with a warning that if I was going to email anyone else with that email address I had better change it? I felt my face get flushed and I was fightned.
Why I responded can you see my name? she responded yes... but for some reason right then and there I was not scared I felt completely safe.
She told me she knew my name and of course she could have kept that from me. I was certain she had already googled my name.. I had made it very clear that it would not be hard to find me if my name was given.
I responded thanking her for telling me and asked her if she had googled my name yet half joking and half not? She responded yes I did and again I trusted her a little more.
Had she said no I would have not believed her.
She was too smart not too have done that.... This was not a ignorant woman on the other end of this chat. She was brite and full of life and strong.
She needed nothing from me.
I then responded to her saying well I knew you were going to say yes and I then told her that I was ok with that.. I told her I felt safe with her.
She had already seen my picture on the chat pic but then shared with me she did not care for it because she did not believe that was me and I asked her to explain and she said I have seen your other pics and one looked like you very much..
I said which one and she chose the pic that I looked like when I first met Susan. How could she have known? She continued to say that is you being you...
Oh My God she knew me.....
The pic I put up was the bio pic I had done for my music... me being what they told me to be...and no it was not me and she was right..
I was much more down to earth.. I was playful.... I was not some woman with two pounds of hairspray in my hair with back coming and fluff.... why did I become that???
I felt myself open up more....
I continued our talk and found that I wanted to share things with her... I wanted to share things with her about me from the past when I use to laugh and I wanted her to know who I really was... not just the singer.
I started to remember a time when I was fun... When I liked me..
I wanted her to know she was right about me.
Suddenly I had her in stiches laughing.
I shared a story with her and I would see
LMAO would come across the chat screan as I told her a story of taking a bus to work and how I had a routine and that I would always sit in the back of the bus so that no one would bug me.
I shared with her how everyone that sat in the back of the bus did not speak english and how one day I looked up to pull the rope that got the bus driver to stop at the correct stop that was coming up and when I looked to pull that rope there was none...
I was frantic and looked at the proffessional writting that was there and it said to get bus driver to stop please yell Ape.
As I typed this to her in chat a LMAO would come across from time to time to tell me she was with me and enjoying this story I was telling her.
I continued telling her that I looked across the way at the seat across from me and the same instructions were printed, to get bus driver to stop please yell Ape..
I tried to ask the people around me but no one spoke english so time was ticking down and my stop was coming up quickly and I sure as hell did not want to walk all the way back and it would have made me late for work.
So I typed to her that I had at the top of my lungs from the back of that bus I yelled APE........... suddenly a LMAOOO came over the chat window.
Suddenly I was laughing with her as I read her responses.
I continued to type to her that the bus driver was falling out of his chair as he pulled over with laughter and usually he would open the back door on the bus and let me exit that way but that day he motioned for me to make my way to the front.
The funny thing is that all the people even in the back of the bus where laughing too. Suddenly I guess they could speak english.... or the certainly knew what the secret code APE meant... cause I sure as hell didn't...
So I walked up toward the bus driver I continued to type to her and he was still laughing now I could see the tears coming from his eyes.. He was about in his late 60s.
He looked at me with broken moments of laughter and he said Lady Ive been driving this bus for 13 years and I have never seen anyone fall for what you just fell for.. and he continued to laugh...
he said you see we have a prankster that rides this bus and what he does is he takes out a nickel and scratches away some of the wording that is printed for instructions to get the bus driver to stop and what that usually reads is
To get bus driver to stop please press yellow tape.... and with that he started howling all over again along with everyone else on the bus.
it was quiet on her end and no response as I typed that last portion of my sad but true story but slowly in the chat window I could see what she was typing 'it hurts it hurts' LMAO LMAO she was in tears and she was laughing so hard..
I suddenly was laughing with her yet again...
I was making her laugh and I was laughing with her..... OMG I was laughing.
Not at my story but I was laughing because she was laughing and it felt good. I loved watching her LMAO come across the chat window...I loved it that she had tears and was laughing that hard.
Suddenly the pills were not my focus for the first time of the night. I looked at them and looked away with shame coming over me of my plan for the first time of how the night would end.
She did not know....she did not know what my plan was.
Not until now as she reads this... (I love you Kim and thank you from the bottom of my heart) she did not know that I was going to take my life that night.
It was like my last haraaaa with my BFF... we would have one more fun night together and I would get the courage to do what I needed to do...
But the night was changing.. I was off in a chat with someone that was with me.. never leaving my side. No demands no orders, no running my life... she was just there... she just showed up... I was starting to consider that this might just be a sign.
The night continued and she had to go away for a bit but I knew she would come back... and she did..
When she showed up I would see the little green light start flashing and I felt myself wanting to run to click it and see her and what she was saying to me....
She was that voice calling to me from the top of a long dark hole and when I would listen to her it felt like she would say help was on the way.... land she had a rope and told me to hang in there and don't be scared.
I did not want to talk about me anymore but she would not let me take us for too long away
I remembered wanting her to talk about her...
I was more interested in her anyday then I would ever be about me.
She was finding her way in.... into me... as if she knew.
She fucking knew... did she ??? I asked myself.
I had even told her serveral times as the phone was ringing that I wouldnt get it.
I would only talk to my BFF on chat or her.
NO one would get me on the phone.
No she was not someone that knew me but how in the hell did she know me???
Again I thought is this a sign??? Is she sent here? by Mom?'?? who knew what my plan was for the end of this night? or Terry trying to stop me from making the same mistake he had made?
She continued to address hope with me...
Ahhhh Hope I needed. I needed to know it could get better. I had so much guilt.. Guilt that I had become the woman I was lost and small and someone that would run at the drop of a hat.
I hated who I had become. I loved a person that was sick and would probley never get better at least not with me and I would have to bury her if I stayed and most certianly if I left. God only knows she told me if I left her she would clearly take her life.
I could not survive that. I would rather take my own life then be responsible one more time for someone elses death.
No I was not going to bury one more fucking person I thought as I continued how this conversation with myself that she was not invited into. That was it... I was done.. I was angry... but when talking to her I shared the words I am afraid.
Suddenly she asked me something that really hit home...
when I had shared with her of my fear.
She said listen to me.... to bring me back down again from my bouncing.... I slowed down again.
Are you afraid of loosing her or your security?
I stopped and I thought.
What do you mean? She continued and said are you in love with her and afraid of loosing her or is it that you are afaid of loosing your security of where you are? I said I am not secure here..
She said that is not what I am asking you....
You are safe where you are and you don't have to make choices and you do not have to go out and deal with the world.... and if you left her you would have to face the world again.
HOLY SHIT.... when she said that....
I just about fell out of my chair.
I was afraid..........I was scared shitless.
I was afraid to make any decisions I was afraid not to make decisions.
This was not always who I was..
I use to be a strong confident woman...
I never would have let anyone treat me the way I had been treated.
I had crossed so many lines so many times and given up a piece of me with each line I stepped over.
I was like that frog that they talked about in my Alanon group.
They said you put a frog in a boiling pot of water he will live because he will jump out before dying, however if you put the heat on low he will stay in that pot until he is slowly cooked to death. That was me....slowly cooked.
I had lost me....
As she told me how she found herself again I thought I want to find me....
I think I liked me at one time...
She shared with me that she loved who she was and was happy with herself just as she was and she did not need anyone to make her whole person.
God I wanted to be where she was emotionally, but she continued it is not going to be easy..
To love myself again.
To once again have my eyes on me and be free to look in the mirror and say I like you...
Who was this woman on the other end of this chat??????????
She was two hours ahead of me... and I remember I kept watching the clock not wanting to be rude and keep her from her life...
God I sure as hell did not want to come in as a distraction to anything she was already doing.
She was doing awsome....
I would tell her do you need to go to bed???
She responded to me saying I am fine and I will tell you when I am tired.
NOT GOING ANYWHERE was the message and I could see that...
and I had a somewhere I needed to be however at least at some point in the next 24 hours. I would send an email to the office of the complex so they would be sure to find me.. and not my family. I had the lock on the gate and they could cut it off.
Nope I was not going to change my plans...
It may have worked for you angel of the night but this was too big for me and I opened the bottle as to show myself I meant business and I popped silently 4 pills. No one was going to stop me... fuck the shame or guilt I didnt want to hurt anymore.
After taking the four pills
I remembered being sad... and tears started to pore down my eyes... I poured the rest that were in my hand back into the bottle.
How selfish is this... this is a cowards way out Dana.... I hated myself some more... Terry did this to you...
and then the chat window continued to light up green...Where are you???
I would respond Im here.... so glad she could not hear me cry....
with every quiet moment I would give her the more she would come through the window towards me...
Does she know I took four pills already??? Did she sense it....???
Not nearly enough to go away but she would be fine she would never see me again... she would simply think I had just disapeared...
She would be better for it to not have ever known me.
As I drank I opened up more...
You know what a truth serum that can be...
Suddenly as she contineud to talk to me I suddenly typed the first real honest words to her of the night and that was
Im sobbing as she continued to talk to me.
She was getting through and I was letting go.
I started to feel my pain.. It always was pain but I hid it with anger.
I continued to sob..
She read the words sobbing and responded Im sorry I made you cry and I said don't be...
She did not know I was surrendering.
I was letting go of the hate and the anger and letting it out. I was thinking... don't do this Dana.. don't do it...you are better then this.
Your family needs you.
I looked at the pills and held the bottle in my hand.... I typed to her that I was going to have a cigerette and she responded she would join me... I went to the bathroom and dumped the pills.. and cried and went to have my smoke.
I felt that cold wind hit my face as to dry my tears.. like a hand had come down from heaven and let me know it would be ok...
She did not know.. but she does now..
She was an angel that saved my life that night.
The four pills were starting to hit me but I knew I was not in any danger. I had not taken enough to cause harm but I was tired. I could barley keep my eyes open.... I could see the time and I was sure that the sun was starting to almost come up for her. What she did not know was although it was as pitch black where I was the sun was starting to come up for me too...
All I knew was that night... and every day after from that moment...She was my angel....
Here I was wrapped up in her arms..
feeling her heart beat... warm and safe and once again had a life and I once agian liked the person in the mirror.
It was a night full of pain for me and I was so lost and she had stayed with me never leaving my side. I looked at her now sleeping here next to me so beautiful.
I always called her Angel from the begging but did not know she really was.
Some how she knew the dark place that I was in and something must have told her quietly a whisper in her heart don't leave her.
I remembered crying God help me as I started to follow though in my mind of my plan getting the pills out and putting them in front of me so I could see them all through the night so I would have them there for when I would get the courage to follow though.
I never thought help would show up in this way and to be honest I had given up and did not think it was going to come.
Everyone had said everything and nothing seem to be calling me out of the darkness that I had found.
I knew I only had one way out and I was pretty settled that this was the day.
In the beginning she wrote me a few times and then made a request could you please sit still for one moment???? that made me laugh because I did bounce off of walls. So i did just that... I slowed down... I wrote her back and waited.
I loved it that she already felt free to tell me to stay put... she was trying to talk with me and I would be on and off responding to her messages but never staying on long enough
for her to talk to me and I am sure she was getting quiet frustraighted....
I started to share my world with her piece by piece and she seem to recognize this puzzle very well.
She had worked out this puzzle before in her own life and she shared with me that things were looking up today for her. It took time but once the puzzle got completed she was very happy with the end results.
Hope?? I thought?? You mean this CAN get better?
I thought no she does not know where I am at but as I shared with her each thing she always came back to me and said yes I understand and I too have been where you are now with her own reckoning that a change of perception might be the answer to set me free.
She always let the choice be mine and challenged me to think about what my own answers could be rather then what I was saying and that felt good.
She was not telling me what to do she was not tell me anything other then she understood and she had made it through the storm and made it clear in many ways the very storm I found myself in now. She wanted me to know and understand that I was NOT alone.
She suddenly moved in the covers next to me and sighed... I reached for her back and touched her gently and then brushed her hair away from her face. I loved just watching her as she slept. I remembered the first time I saw her and I knew it was just a picture but from the moment I looked at her something called me to home. She was safe... I could see her standing in front of me with her arms open. Someone to run to and she would be there to hold me.
I did not want sex I wanted love. She had not said a word to me yet and she was the only one that I had written me back.
She did not scare me..Even her smile comforted me...
She never once took away any of my own strength but some how looking inside of me and reminding me of who I really was. Words she said to me were words as if my mother and her had met and had a good chat on how to reach me.
How the fuck do you know me I would think and then get angry that I was listening to her. She was messing up my plan.... My set in stone plan... and that could not happen. She was getting in to my head but most of all my heart....
I would look at the pills and type some more telling myself to calm down it was ok. I would finally get to be with Terry, Mom and Dad.
I was no good to anyone here.
Then she told me sternly in the chat to listen because I was again I was bouncing off the walls.... She brought me back again from my head. So I did...over and over again she would slow me down and bring me from my own head back to her to continue our conversation no matter how many times I would move away from my pain and what I was afraid of she always directed us both back to the issue at hand.
She knew I was so into my story that I could not get out of what I had told myself.
It was like a best friend coming along and saying HEY I KNOW YOU and you are going to listen to me so sit down be still and hear me out...but in a way that I did not feel that I was being given any altamatum.
However I was tired of talk... I wanted the pain to stop.
I always even in my darkest place however would always look for a sign. I based my whole life off of signs and I was willing to watch for that but even that didnt seem possible at this point.
I didn't want someone telling me what I wanted to hear nor did I want them telling me what they wanted me to hear.. There really was no win in this conversation.
I just needed to listen to someone that had nothing to gain and nothing to loose. Someone I did not owe..... anything to.
I listened and she began to ask me questions.
I would answer them. I did not answer all of them but to the best of what I was willing to share with her I did.
She spoke to me in a way that she knew me.
She knew enough to know what I needed to hear. I opened up a little more. She was not telling me what to do she was only reminding me of who I was.... and how she was once where I am now. God she knew me I would think as she talked... tears would start to well up in my eyes. Id try stop her and change the subject 'she was getting to close'
Id tell her I want to send you a song so I made an email to send her that song. At the very least I could give her Angels All Around You.
She would not know who I was but I wanted her to have that song....
She was so patient with me... even when I would charge in the other direction she never loss focus as to why we were here... or at least why she was here.
I thank God for her insight. I knew that had she not been who she was I would not be here today.
Suddenly she wrote me on chat with a warning that if I was going to email anyone else with that email address I had better change it? I felt my face get flushed and I was fightned.
Why I responded can you see my name? she responded yes... but for some reason right then and there I was not scared I felt completely safe.
She told me she knew my name and of course she could have kept that from me. I was certain she had already googled my name.. I had made it very clear that it would not be hard to find me if my name was given.
I responded thanking her for telling me and asked her if she had googled my name yet half joking and half not? She responded yes I did and again I trusted her a little more.
Had she said no I would have not believed her.
She was too smart not too have done that.... This was not a ignorant woman on the other end of this chat. She was brite and full of life and strong.
She needed nothing from me.
I then responded to her saying well I knew you were going to say yes and I then told her that I was ok with that.. I told her I felt safe with her.
She had already seen my picture on the chat pic but then shared with me she did not care for it because she did not believe that was me and I asked her to explain and she said I have seen your other pics and one looked like you very much..
I said which one and she chose the pic that I looked like when I first met Susan. How could she have known? She continued to say that is you being you...
Oh My God she knew me.....
The pic I put up was the bio pic I had done for my music... me being what they told me to be...and no it was not me and she was right..
I was much more down to earth.. I was playful.... I was not some woman with two pounds of hairspray in my hair with back coming and fluff.... why did I become that???
I felt myself open up more....
I continued our talk and found that I wanted to share things with her... I wanted to share things with her about me from the past when I use to laugh and I wanted her to know who I really was... not just the singer.
I started to remember a time when I was fun... When I liked me..
I wanted her to know she was right about me.
Suddenly I had her in stiches laughing.
I shared a story with her and I would see
LMAO would come across the chat screan as I told her a story of taking a bus to work and how I had a routine and that I would always sit in the back of the bus so that no one would bug me.
I shared with her how everyone that sat in the back of the bus did not speak english and how one day I looked up to pull the rope that got the bus driver to stop at the correct stop that was coming up and when I looked to pull that rope there was none...
I was frantic and looked at the proffessional writting that was there and it said to get bus driver to stop please yell Ape.
As I typed this to her in chat a LMAO would come across from time to time to tell me she was with me and enjoying this story I was telling her.
I continued telling her that I looked across the way at the seat across from me and the same instructions were printed, to get bus driver to stop please yell Ape..
I tried to ask the people around me but no one spoke english so time was ticking down and my stop was coming up quickly and I sure as hell did not want to walk all the way back and it would have made me late for work.
So I typed to her that I had at the top of my lungs from the back of that bus I yelled APE........... suddenly a LMAOOO came over the chat window.
Suddenly I was laughing with her as I read her responses.
I continued to type to her that the bus driver was falling out of his chair as he pulled over with laughter and usually he would open the back door on the bus and let me exit that way but that day he motioned for me to make my way to the front.
The funny thing is that all the people even in the back of the bus where laughing too. Suddenly I guess they could speak english.... or the certainly knew what the secret code APE meant... cause I sure as hell didn't...
So I walked up toward the bus driver I continued to type to her and he was still laughing now I could see the tears coming from his eyes.. He was about in his late 60s.
He looked at me with broken moments of laughter and he said Lady Ive been driving this bus for 13 years and I have never seen anyone fall for what you just fell for.. and he continued to laugh...
he said you see we have a prankster that rides this bus and what he does is he takes out a nickel and scratches away some of the wording that is printed for instructions to get the bus driver to stop and what that usually reads is
To get bus driver to stop please press yellow tape.... and with that he started howling all over again along with everyone else on the bus.
it was quiet on her end and no response as I typed that last portion of my sad but true story but slowly in the chat window I could see what she was typing 'it hurts it hurts' LMAO LMAO she was in tears and she was laughing so hard..
I suddenly was laughing with her yet again...
I was making her laugh and I was laughing with her..... OMG I was laughing.
Not at my story but I was laughing because she was laughing and it felt good. I loved watching her LMAO come across the chat window...I loved it that she had tears and was laughing that hard.
Suddenly the pills were not my focus for the first time of the night. I looked at them and looked away with shame coming over me of my plan for the first time of how the night would end.
She did not know....she did not know what my plan was.
Not until now as she reads this... (I love you Kim and thank you from the bottom of my heart) she did not know that I was going to take my life that night.
It was like my last haraaaa with my BFF... we would have one more fun night together and I would get the courage to do what I needed to do...
But the night was changing.. I was off in a chat with someone that was with me.. never leaving my side. No demands no orders, no running my life... she was just there... she just showed up... I was starting to consider that this might just be a sign.
The night continued and she had to go away for a bit but I knew she would come back... and she did..
When she showed up I would see the little green light start flashing and I felt myself wanting to run to click it and see her and what she was saying to me....
She was that voice calling to me from the top of a long dark hole and when I would listen to her it felt like she would say help was on the way.... land she had a rope and told me to hang in there and don't be scared.
I did not want to talk about me anymore but she would not let me take us for too long away
I remembered wanting her to talk about her...
I was more interested in her anyday then I would ever be about me.
She was finding her way in.... into me... as if she knew.
She fucking knew... did she ??? I asked myself.
I had even told her serveral times as the phone was ringing that I wouldnt get it.
I would only talk to my BFF on chat or her.
NO one would get me on the phone.
No she was not someone that knew me but how in the hell did she know me???
Again I thought is this a sign??? Is she sent here? by Mom?'?? who knew what my plan was for the end of this night? or Terry trying to stop me from making the same mistake he had made?
She continued to address hope with me...
Ahhhh Hope I needed. I needed to know it could get better. I had so much guilt.. Guilt that I had become the woman I was lost and small and someone that would run at the drop of a hat.
I hated who I had become. I loved a person that was sick and would probley never get better at least not with me and I would have to bury her if I stayed and most certianly if I left. God only knows she told me if I left her she would clearly take her life.
I could not survive that. I would rather take my own life then be responsible one more time for someone elses death.
No I was not going to bury one more fucking person I thought as I continued how this conversation with myself that she was not invited into. That was it... I was done.. I was angry... but when talking to her I shared the words I am afraid.
Suddenly she asked me something that really hit home...
when I had shared with her of my fear.
She said listen to me.... to bring me back down again from my bouncing.... I slowed down again.
Are you afraid of loosing her or your security?
I stopped and I thought.
What do you mean? She continued and said are you in love with her and afraid of loosing her or is it that you are afaid of loosing your security of where you are? I said I am not secure here..
She said that is not what I am asking you....
You are safe where you are and you don't have to make choices and you do not have to go out and deal with the world.... and if you left her you would have to face the world again.
HOLY SHIT.... when she said that....
I just about fell out of my chair.
I was afraid..........I was scared shitless.
I was afraid to make any decisions I was afraid not to make decisions.
This was not always who I was..
I use to be a strong confident woman...
I never would have let anyone treat me the way I had been treated.
I had crossed so many lines so many times and given up a piece of me with each line I stepped over.
I was like that frog that they talked about in my Alanon group.
They said you put a frog in a boiling pot of water he will live because he will jump out before dying, however if you put the heat on low he will stay in that pot until he is slowly cooked to death. That was me....slowly cooked.
I had lost me....
As she told me how she found herself again I thought I want to find me....
I think I liked me at one time...
She shared with me that she loved who she was and was happy with herself just as she was and she did not need anyone to make her whole person.
God I wanted to be where she was emotionally, but she continued it is not going to be easy..
To love myself again.
To once again have my eyes on me and be free to look in the mirror and say I like you...
Who was this woman on the other end of this chat??????????
She was two hours ahead of me... and I remember I kept watching the clock not wanting to be rude and keep her from her life...
God I sure as hell did not want to come in as a distraction to anything she was already doing.
She was doing awsome....
I would tell her do you need to go to bed???
She responded to me saying I am fine and I will tell you when I am tired.
NOT GOING ANYWHERE was the message and I could see that...
and I had a somewhere I needed to be however at least at some point in the next 24 hours. I would send an email to the office of the complex so they would be sure to find me.. and not my family. I had the lock on the gate and they could cut it off.
Nope I was not going to change my plans...
It may have worked for you angel of the night but this was too big for me and I opened the bottle as to show myself I meant business and I popped silently 4 pills. No one was going to stop me... fuck the shame or guilt I didnt want to hurt anymore.
After taking the four pills
I remembered being sad... and tears started to pore down my eyes... I poured the rest that were in my hand back into the bottle.
How selfish is this... this is a cowards way out Dana.... I hated myself some more... Terry did this to you...
and then the chat window continued to light up green...Where are you???
I would respond Im here.... so glad she could not hear me cry....
with every quiet moment I would give her the more she would come through the window towards me...
Does she know I took four pills already??? Did she sense it....???
Not nearly enough to go away but she would be fine she would never see me again... she would simply think I had just disapeared...
She would be better for it to not have ever known me.
As I drank I opened up more...
You know what a truth serum that can be...
Suddenly as she contineud to talk to me I suddenly typed the first real honest words to her of the night and that was
Im sobbing as she continued to talk to me.
She was getting through and I was letting go.
I started to feel my pain.. It always was pain but I hid it with anger.
I continued to sob..
She read the words sobbing and responded Im sorry I made you cry and I said don't be...
She did not know I was surrendering.
I was letting go of the hate and the anger and letting it out. I was thinking... don't do this Dana.. don't do it...you are better then this.
Your family needs you.
I looked at the pills and held the bottle in my hand.... I typed to her that I was going to have a cigerette and she responded she would join me... I went to the bathroom and dumped the pills.. and cried and went to have my smoke.
I felt that cold wind hit my face as to dry my tears.. like a hand had come down from heaven and let me know it would be ok...
She did not know.. but she does now..
She was an angel that saved my life that night.
The four pills were starting to hit me but I knew I was not in any danger. I had not taken enough to cause harm but I was tired. I could barley keep my eyes open.... I could see the time and I was sure that the sun was starting to almost come up for her. What she did not know was although it was as pitch black where I was the sun was starting to come up for me too...
All I knew was that night... and every day after from that moment...She was my angel....
Here I was wrapped up in her arms..
feeling her heart beat... warm and safe and once again had a life and I once agian liked the person in the mirror.
Comments
Please Login to post comments| On March 8th 2008 LOVERLIPSLADY Said : | |
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Yes it is a true story... I am glad you enjoyed it... take care... |
| On March 7th 2008 fruitymangopea Said : | |
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omg this is great...you are an amazing author...is this a true story? |
