abused at 16 part 4 the end.

there i was day after day in that same place.

she had no choice but to put me here... they made her... if she could have it her way id be at home so she could beat me so that i wouldnt try it again. i never concidered my self crazy but aparently thats where they put me in that crazy place "the mental institute" i thought of it as a vacation away from her.it was so boring in there all they did was ask questions and try and make you happy but all i could do was sit there and think about the fact i almost died... i wondered what it would be like when i got out... wondered what she would do to me. she came and seen me almost everyday acting like the best mother in the world... i acually started to believe it.. believe that she loved me. i was in there axactly 1 month and two days before she took me home... the wierd thing is she looked so skinny like in a sick way i wondered howd she lost so much weight.

when we walked into the house it didnt smell of booze and i wondered why its so not like the house to smell good for once.

"why dont you lay down for a while and rest" she said, i was worried she seemed too nice to me.

"ok" i said and went to my room and layed there wondering what would happen next. then i slowly went to sleep.

then next day i woke up and i didnt know where my mom was usually she was up before me drinking since it was a saturday.

"mom?" i said not too loud but so that she could hear me... but not a sound the house was so quiet i couldnt bare it..

i looked out side and there her van was sitting in the drive way the same place it was when we got home yesterday.

so i said it again "mom?" no answer.

i slowly step by step went up the stairs hoping maybe she was just asleep which would be good so i would have alone time before she woke up and drank.

there she was laying in her bed.

"mom are you awake?" i said moving my self next to her bed.

i looked down and noticed she wasnt breathing... my mom... the mom i thought was so horrible was dead... i called 911 and told them that she wasnt breathing the lady said they were on there way. i didnt panic i didnt move... i just stood there... confused... and lost... my mom... was dead.

i didnt know what to do next so i just got on the bed and layed there next to her.. i loved my mom and for a sec i felt loved laying there with her like she was holding me when i was little and sick. i didnt think i just layed there with her...

the paremetics came along with my moms doctor.. thats when i found out exactly why my mom was dead... she had cancer... lung cancer. she refused treatment and everything... the doctor said he gave her two weeks she was lucky she lived this long... i was in shock... i never realized.. the day she went to the doctors was the day she found out.

two days later...

there i was sitting on her bed in my black dress.. knowing in minutes i would go bary my mom... the mom that abused me the mom that yelled at me and told me she wanted to die... but some how i knew she loved me some how i knew that she held on that long to see the day i was out of that place... i some times wonder if i didnt try and kill my self would me and my mom have gotta along for the month she lived or would she be mean... and now i will never know..

i stood there as they lowerd her coffin into the ground... i felt as if i should have cried but i couldnt... all i wanted was for my mom to be happy... and for her to love me.i wish for one minute i could have told her i loved her and that i forgave her for what she put me threw day by day.. but i couldnt. with my family all around me my sister and my two brothers crying i was the youngest. i held them close looking at them bary her... i didnt know what to do next.. i couldnt even move i just looked at the ground.

one week later i moved in with my sister.. i started school agian in a different town.. everynight i pray and thank god for all he has givin me... even though my mom put me threw so much pain i miss her sometimes miss coming home and always know shed be there drunk or not she was there... i wish i could have been there to hold her when she was going threw pain while she was slowly dying each day.. im not sure what my future is but all i know is that now i can have one.. i dont do drugs anymore i just thank god im alive... my mom will always be in my heart. i know i couldnt go threw life hating her for what she did to me. i will always love her... no matter what she did.

thanks to all that read my story =]