She Hides

Headstrong.  It was the only way to describe the passion she exerted on a daily basis.  She refused to give in to the pressure of life; and yet it was the thing she knew would be the end of her.  Even if she lived to be a hundred years old, her death would come earlier than that.  The pictures in the magezines and the words dripping from everyone's mouths told her that she would never be fit enough to survive the world . Whether it was her lack of confidence or her self criticism, one of them would rip her insides so that she couldn't bear to go on.  

He made her feel alive.  He awoke the woman inside of her and made her see that life was to its fullest when you were surrounded by those you love.  But even through his words, she still knew what everyone else thought; what everyone else saw.  No matter how close he held her or how many times he kissed away the pain, she would shake her head, knowing the feeling of inadequecy would be back, rearing its ugly head, in no time at all.  

The first time he touched his hand to her cheek, she shivered.  After the first kiss was planted on her forehead, she sighed knowing no one else could possibly make her feel the way he had.  He was the world to her.  And yet, there was a place inside of her that knew she would never be good enough for him.  She was a great person, but not nearly up to the standards of beauty that were laid out before her.  

Delicate.  Every second of every day was torture.  Her heart was fragile and her soul already broken.  It wasn't until she knew him that she started mending the threads that were long since unraveled in her heart.  She was delicate in every sense of the word.  Impressionable; her mind still believed in the fables of love.  It was what kept her clinging to the life she use to have.  Back when she thought she was something special.  

And it all drizzled away over the years.  As people grew and changed, she stayed the same humble person she had always been.  In a world of cutthroat antics, she kept her honesty and moved forward with a positive insight into the clockwork of life.  No one could get her down.  No one except herself.  And even if the whispers in her ear told her that she was beautiful, gorgeous, perfect, amazing, strong... she knew that none of those things mattered unless she could see them herself.

Kaitlyn sat in her flat, staring out the streaked window facing the sunset.  Her hands were trembling and her eyes were refusing to cry as they did just before he was due to come home from work.  Things had changed since her time at the university; everything was different.  It was a new time and new life.  With her friends preoccupied with their lives in the fierce battle for balance in the capitolized world, Kaitlyn was left alone.  She never found the will to move past her barriers.  Anxiety lurked everywhere for her and it wasn't something he wanted her to be caught up in.  He watched out for her; he cradled her and made sure she never cracked.  

It was an internal strength that she could only muster when the going got tough.  It was unique to only her, a part of her that had never relented even through all of the changes that had taken place.  

A click of the doorknob caused her vision to jerk from the window.  Her frizzy, caramel hair flung in her face and covered her eyes for a fraction of a second, causing her to lose that first glance.  The one she always avoided.  It was always in his eyes; she wasn't enough, she never would be.  

He crossed the room, a grin spread on his face.  The jovial entrance stunned Kaitlyn; How could he see her so beautifully and she only saw herself as a decaying mess?  Nothing about her was worth saving anymore.  Everything had been stolen from her: the spirit she had mollycoddled was all she had left.  It was what she clung to in the world that hated her so much.

"Hi, love," he whispered lovingly, his hand gently touching her shoulder.  "Is everything alright?"

Kaitlyn sucked in a breath and forced a smile on her face.  "Yes.  I'm alright. How was your day?"

Small talk.  What kept her comfortable in his presence.  The ability to hold a normal conversation despite her pain, despite the horrible mutation she felt radiating from her every second of her drowning life.  He kept her feeling ordinary, until...

"You look beautiful."  He leaned down, his lips connecting with hers as if he hadn't seen her in a year.  Passion, desire, love.  It was all written in his kiss as he cupped her cheek and brushed his thumb under her eye.  A habit from her many tear falls.  

She pushed back a scoff and kissed him.  It tore her in two everytime he said it.  She was nothing of the sort.  Nothing more than an average girl with fundamental problems that no one but him could see past.  He held her in such esteem, probably from the way he knew her to be rather than what she was on the inside; scared and cold.  Or, love was blind and it was only a matter of time before he saw her for who she was:  nothing.

"I love you," she sighed, pulling away from his kiss.  She had to let him know, make him feel, that she was in deep with him.  Maybe it would make it harder for him to pull away when he really saw her.  

"And I'll love you forever," he answered.  He placed a small kiss on her forehead; a reassuring gesture that he knew she craved.  "What's on your mind, gorgeous?"

"We should go out," Hermione said hurriedly before he could dote any more on her, make her feel important.  She didn't need to feel that way; it wasn't the truth.  "I do with a walk in the park, yeah?"

He gazed at her, a small smile tugging the corner of his lips.  Everytime he saw those eyes light up he could feel the fear inside of her.  It was a mask he had gotten use to.  It took him a long time, but over the years he realized that she was like a child still learning the ways of the world.  She couldn't see it herself, but she was a remarkable woman.  The strength she exerted daily, just to survive in a time that didn't want her, was his favorite thing about her.

Reaching down, he clasped his hand in hers, entwining their fingers.  He squeezed reassuringly and nodded silently.  He would take her away if that was what she wanted.  He would do anything for her.  She had always been his everything; even when he, himself, couldn't see it.  

Apollo Park always had an intriguing appeal to Kaitlyn.  As strange as it was, she always found herself wanting to sit beneath the shade of the birch when she was caught up in inner turmoil.  It seemed like weeks since she had stepped foot inside the park, and even longer since she had dragged him with her.  It was her secret sanity, a place for her to collect her thoughts.  In time, though, she would have to let him in on the whirlwind thoughts in her head.  Bringing him with her to her safe spot would provide an easy opening.  The next step was keeping her voice even when she made her true self apparent.

"Kaitlyn?"  His voice flowed gently from his lips.  "You're awfully quiet..."

She grimaced and closed her eyes, taking a side step closer to him.  He wrapped his arm around her waist and held her other hand tighter.  She was shaking, but he could feel her trying to suppress it, hiding it from him.  She didn't know that he felt everything.  Even the tears she refused to let go.  He knew her...completely.

"Did you know that in Ancient Rome, it was normal for the female to feel inferior?"  Kaitlyn's eyes snapped to his, but the steely expression she was wearing would not give away the tornado tracing its way in her stomach.  "It must be in the genes."

Their movements paused as he grounded his feet,  not letting her take him any further into the darkening park.  A slight breeze tickled his neck and he pulled her firmly against his body, trying to shelter her from the cold.  He sighed, hugging her tight, letting her know that he wasn't going anywhere.  

"Do I make you feel inferior, then?" He asked curiously.  

Kaitlyn shifted from foot to foot. Her arms wound around his chest and she snuggled her head into him.  "I-I didn't mean..."

She let an arm fall from him and gripped his hand.  She tugged on his arm to force him to move.  It was too much.  Too much to tell him that she felt inferior to everyone.  There was nothing left inside of her that made her special.  She was just trudging on for his sake.  Just for his love. And it could be gone at any minute.  When he really saw how weak she was becoming.  

"No," she whispered forcefully.  "I'm just..."  A large sigh echoed through the trees of the park and Kaitlyn shook her head, clearing her eyes of the tears.  

"When will you see it, Riley?"  Her foot stomped on the ground, just like a two year old throwing a tantrum.  Was he that blind?  "When will you see that you can do so much better than a failure, a nothing."

"You're joking," Riley laughed, staring at her peculiarly.  "Why do you think I'm busting my bollocks every day for us?"

Hermione blanched.  "I didn't mean..."

"It's what you just said," he pointed out with a scowl starting to form on his face.  "You're not seriously questioning how I feel for you, are you?"

He let his hand go limp in hers for a second and threw a deft hand through his fiery locks.  Riley's eyes scanned the pavement, reluctant to meet Kaitlyn's.  It was the first time since they had been together that he had felt completely useless.  Here she was, pining to feel something other than emptiness and he couldn't provide her the satisfaction of such feelings.

"I know that you love me," she muttered quietly, forcing him to step closer to her.  She placed her fingers on his chin and moved his face so that he was looking in her eyes.  Frowning, she wiped a tear from the corner of her eye and sniffed.  "But you shouldn't."

Riley all but stomped his foot.  "Why the bloody hell not?"

A million reasons flew through her mind.  She wasn't beautiful.  Her intelligence was only because of the countless books she read; there was no secret hidden truth inside of her.  Her depth only went so far as the best novel she could clasp from a shelf.  Kailtyn felt small compared to Riley, he was the world to her.  He was her everything.  And she only wished to return the favor - and she would never be able to.  There wasn't a thread inside of her that could measure up to the man Riley Parker had grown to be.

"Because!"  Kaitlyn shot shortly.  Her arms extended out and her hands gestured to her body.  "I am nothing special!"

Riley's face fell.  That was all he wanted, all he lived for anymore: to make her feel like she was special, something that was worth preserving through all of the world's faults.  If he couldn't make her feel that way, then how was he making her feel?

Sitting on the ground with a loud thud, Riley glanced up at Kaitlyn who was fidgeting with the hem of her robes.  Nothing ever seemed quite right, but it was never so bold and shoved in his face.  Why now?  What was weighing on her mind?

"Kaitlyn..."  A loss for words overtook him.  He couldn't stand and comfort her when he had no idea what he was comforting her for.  "Do you remember the first time we spoke?"

Kaitlyn's wet laugh resounded across the park.  "You mean when you wondered if I was mental?"

"Okay," Riley nodded slowly.  "Forget that bit.  Do you remember the first time we spoke as friends?"  

Without thinking, Kaitlyn took a seat next to Riley and turned herself to face him.  No emotion could pass on her face, but inside she was bursting to know where he was going.  His words were what kept her strength over the last three years.  He kept her alive.  

Blushing, a small smile crawled up her lips.  "You still thought I was mental."

Riley put his arm around Kaitlyn's shoulders and pulled her toward him so their heads were touching slightly.  He chuckled solemnly and shook his head, causing red locks to fly into her eyes.  

"No," he admitted quietly.  "I thought you were the world.  I never thought I could be enough for you."

"You were twelve," she pointed out bluntly.  "You couldn't think that at twelve.  You were concerned with comic books and throwing worms at me."

"I was concerned with one of my best friends being bullied on the playground," he stated darkly, kissing her forehead.  "I wanted to protect you."

Speechless.  It had only happened once or twice in her lifetime.  But when Riley told her he had always wanted to protect her, Kaitlyn's mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water.  She couldn't form words.  Why would anyone want to protect her?  Was she worth that trouble?

Riley gripped her hips and brought her to sit on his lap, facing him.  He reached out and put his fingers through her wiry, frizzy hair and smiled at the untamable locks.  Feeling her apprehension, his other hand lifted her robes slightly so that he could caress the skin of her hip; let her feel the tingling that he felt every time he was close to her.

Their breaths were mingling together as he moved closer to her lips with his.  Hovering just above hers, he whispered.  "I'd give my life for yours.  I've always known that."

Kaitlyn closed her eyes and the gap between their lips.  Crashing down onto him, they both fell backward into the plush grass of Apollo Park.  A passion caught only by the invisible sparks flying between them caused the two lovers to forget their surroundings, their misgivings, their previous inhibitions.  What they needed to feel was the love between them; the love that wouldn't diminish... not yet.  

She shoved down her low esteem and let herself get wrapped up in his presence.  He had an indefinite talent of causing her to forget her trepidation and give in to the moment, to the feeling.  It scared her more than ever that when he let go it might be forever.

"I love you," she mumbled inaudibly against his lips.  

In that moment, Riley felt a tidal wave of sensations running rapid through his body.  He could sense her opening up, giving him all he had ever wanted; just to know that she was okay, that she loved him, that she was aware just how much he loved her.  

But as soon as it came, it was gone.  An emptiness took over again.  He glanced up to her eyes and could see the fear echoing in her mind, reaching out for something to grab on to.  He stroked his hand up her side and smiled faintly.  

"I love you too," he expressed firmly back to her.  "That will never change.  Ever."

Kaitlyn nodded, trying to believe him.  Those words were so fickle coming from the mouths of men who never saw inside of the mind of a woman.  She would give up the painful discussion for today.  If anything, he needed to know how much she loved him.

"Never," she voiced more forcefully.   

Riley's fingers danced along Kaitlyn's stomach, tracing patterns across her skin.  "You're beautiful," he complimented her gently.  

And you're lying, she thought sadly.  With a forced smile, she leaned into him and placed her lips on his.  "Thank you."