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FruitcakeCaz

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My heart feels like it’s shattering as Jamie takes each step away from me. I can’t bare it. I’m so STUPID. I’ve ruined everything; I’m a horrible excuse for a human being. I wish as hard as I can that he turns around and takes me in his arms.

Suddenly I get a shooting pain in my arm. I gasp and lean against the wall. At that exact moment, Hazz comes out from his maths class. He gets let out early from lessons as he used to get severely bullied in between classes. He spots me and rushes over.

Hazz- Abi wot’s wrong?

Me- Nothing… I’m fine

Hazz- You’re lying… you always say “I’m fine” when you lie. C’mon, let’s get you to the school nurse

Me- NO no, honestly I’m OK

Hazz- Abigail stop lying to me! Didn’t you go to the doctor’s today?

Me- OK Hazz… Just promise you won’t tell anyone- not Rachel, not even Jamie

Hazz- Fuck… ok I promise, but this sounds really serious

Me- I have leukaemia… it’s really bad too, I gotta have chemo tomorrow

Then it hits me. The full extent of this. My life hangs in the balance, I could die. It overwhelms me and I break down. Hazz takes me in his arms and walks me to the office, telling the secretary to call my mum and pick me up. He sits with me until she arrives, just holding me. He doesn’t say anything, it’s not necessary. I’ve lost Jamie, but I know I can depend on Hazz through all this.

When we get home, my mum starts crying too. I’m her only daughter and she’s terrified of losing me. I go to bed after all my emotions are released and sleep until next morning.

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I’ve only ever been in a hospital once. My brother Kevin broke his finger about 5 years ago and had to have 2 operations. But that was in paediatrics, I was going on the cancer ward.

Chemo looks harmless enough, but it’s actually poison being pumped directly into my blood. Poison that flows around my body. After a few sessions, it feels like the chemo is doing more damage to me than the leukaemia.

After about a month, bald patches on my head become rather noticeable. I’ve learnt that if I scrape all my hair into a bun, then no one can tell. Unfortunately, it’s not so easy to hide my sickness and my extreme weight loss. For gym class, I have to change in the girls bathroom. Between lessons, I run into the toilets to throw up and take heavy doses of medication. Only Hazz and my family knew about my illness. I didn’t want anyone to treat me differently just because I was the little sick girl.

But none of this matters. Jamie matters. He swapped seats in all our lessons and I barely see him. He’s being stubborn as hell- something I used to see as a quality in him.  Turns out, he didn’t get picked on for being emo. I told Rachel and Hazz what I said and they worked their magic. Everyone was actually being very friendly to Jamie. But that still changes nothing- I don’t deserve him. I completely destroyed all trust he had with me. I miss him so much. I crave him, and a little part of me thinks he feels the same as every so often, I catch him staring at me.

After 3 months of chemo, I could no longer hide my balding head. Over the weekends, I’d cry frequently and experiment with different hairstyles, trying to hide. I gave up and my mum bought a wig for me. At first I had a cheap one that itched like crazy, but now I use a beautiful, comfortable one that no one notices.

Then everything changed…

I returned to school after another chemo session. I’d just been told that the cancer was still there so they made the chemo more powerful. I could really feel it now.

I walk through the halls on my way to English when I suddenly feel very sick and light-headed. I stumble into some lockers and collapse onto the floor. I breathe deeply, trying my hardest not to throw up. I began wheezing. I couldn’t stand up and my eyes blurred over. Tears ran down my cheeks. I couldn’t take this anymore.

Be brave Abi, c’mon, stand up and go to English…

I go onto my hands and knees and breathe hard. I throw my body backwards in an effort to sit upright, but I fail and fall back to the floor. I catch my reflection in a locker door. I’m pale- pure white- and I’m sweating. I lay there, convincing myself these are my final moments.

I need you again… please forgive me and save me…

And there he is. My knight in shining armour. He runs over to me and kneels beside me, pushing my fake hair away from my face. I look up at him. He’s petrified.

Me- I need you…

I’m gasping desperately.

Jamie- Abi… What’s wrong? Are you sick?

Me- I tried to tell you… I’m really sick

Jamie- Oh my God, I’m so so sorry Abi!

He pushes my hair off again and kisses my forehead. I feel my wig being lifted from my head. Jamie gasps at the sight of my head and I begin to cry uncontrollably.

Jamie- Abi… Oh my God, I… C’mon, I’m getting help

I try to climb to my feet but I can barely move. My school jumper slips up and Jamie sees my tiny body. He cries but brushes his tears away quickly. He picks me up and carries me to the nurses’ office. There’s rushing around and noise, but I can still feel Jamie stroking my hair. I’m so weak yet he holds on tight until an ambulance arrives. As I slip into unconsciousness, I whisper to Jamie three words I should have said months ago.

I LOVE YOU