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FruitcakeCaz

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After my appointment, I returned to school. My mum tried to convince me to go home as I was probably in shock and needed to rest, but I ignored her. I needed Jamie right now, not rest.

I get to school five minutes before the end of Maths, so I linger in the halls.

Cancer, cancer, cancer…

I keep my head down and just think. Some live, some die. Some fight for years, for others it’s just a matter of months.

Cancer, cancer, cancer…

I’m numb. I’m not scared, worried or angry. Just numb. I need Jamie- where the hell is he?

And right on cue, he walks around the corner. His head is down, his hair is messed up as though he’s been running his fingers through it. He glances up, spots me, and turns to walk away from me. I chase after him with tears in my eyes.

Me- “Jamie please listen to me… Jamie please, just listen for 10 seconds!”

Jamie- “Want some more secrets to blab about?”

Me- “NO! Jamie I’m so so sorry, I didn’t mean to say it- I was just angry and scared and-“

Jamie- “OH YEAH I feel sorry for you because YOU’RE scared! I have to take crap from the entire school cos you were scared.”

Me- “I’ve said I’m sorry”

Jamie- “Apologies are just words, they mean nothing!”

Me- “WELL EITHER WAY I’M SORRY- I DON’T CARE IF YOU DON’T ACCEPT IT but please just listen to me”

Jamie- “Why the hell should I?”

Me- “I need you right now! More than you could imagine”

Jamie- “Abi, I don’t care”

Me- “How can you say that after six months? I’m sorry OK? But can we please deal with this later, I have something to tell you”

Jamie- “Abi how do you not get this? I DON’T CARE”

Me- “Please Jay, I’m sorry”

Jamie- “Shut the hell up Abi!”

Me- “You know what? I’m done with this you hypocritical ass”

Jamie- “What did you just say?”

Me- “You heard me! You kept pestering me about me telling you about this stuff, and you haven’t even told me why you cut”

There’s silence.

Jamie- “Like I’d trust you with something like that now”

Me- “I’VE GIVEN UP WITH YOU, you have no idea on how your stupid behaviour is affecting me. I thought you didn’t trust me, I thought you didn’t like me enough to tell me-”

Jamie- “Abigail you fucking idiot I’m in love… Look this doesn’t matter. I didn’t tell you because I wanted the right moment. But that doesn’t matter either”

Me- “WE MATTER JAMIE! You’re my first serious boyfriend and something as stupid as this shouldn’t-“

Jamie- “My family leaving me is not stupid you heartless bitch”

Me- “What?”

Jamie- “I cut because last year- on my birthday- my parents just left me. They literally just left me alone in my house. One day I woke up, and they were gone- they’d taken my sisters with them. That’s the reason I moved here- a couple of months after they left, I passed out at school. I hadn’t been able to afford food anymore, so I’d gone without. They sent me to the children’s Home here.”

And with that, he walks away from me again.

Me- “Wait Jamie, I need to tell you something”

He pauses. He appears soften, yet remains harsh.

Jamie- “Fine”

Me- “You wanted me to tell you so I will. I wanted to walk away that day, but I couldn’t ignore you. Three years ago, I had my first boyfriend- Deckland. Deck had problems he didn’t tell me about. Instead of talking, he cut- just like you. Only one day, I found out. He claimed it was nothing. He broke up with me because he didn’t want to hurt me. The next day, he had an argument with his parents and his mum yelled “I wish you were never born” and that was the final straw. Deck called me, told me he loved me and then… then he… he just kept on cutting and he… he killed himself. And I’ve always blamed myself because when he told me, I shouted at him for being ridiculous and I didn’t try to help”