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High Class Punx Obsessed With The DEAD!: Episode Trois
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 Created on 2-16-07
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*intro opening song*
High Class Punx Obsessed With The Dead! Episode 3: HOW TO BE GOTHIC
STARRING: MISTRESS RAVEN MORBIDA AND COUNT BARON DOOM
Raven- Normal people try to persecute us everyday and get the blackwearer down! When you Go Goth, you can stop struggling against the cruel nature of the universe, and start living fully in it. By becoming a death-obsessed goth, you surrender your harmful notions that a happy life is desirable or possible. Instead, you'll accept that suffering and misery are the hallmark of life on this feeble planet. This discovery will prepare you to revel in sorrow, embrace mourning, and look cool being depressed. It might just be the beginning of a whole new life -- a Goth life.
Baron- Now kiddies here's our little portion of our show where Raven and I teach you baby bats how to be true dark followers of the afterhours!
Raven- Yeah!
Raven- "...being Goth, for me, is seeing beauty, and its coming destruction, at the same time. For me...It's the last dance as the walls are crumbling around you..."
1.) Whine about everything. This is an important part.. You broke a nail? People don't understand you? People who are popular mock your good sense of dark fashion? Whine your pain away!
2.) Have no sense of perspective. Remember, anything that happens to you has never happened to anyone before. Or, if similar things have happened to others, it was with nowhere near the same demise that is still destroying your life.
4.) Create a web page that tells all of your most embarrassingly personal secrets. This step is crucial. With it you join the vast online cult of doomy bloggers. Also involved in this step is to get into online cat fights over whose webcam pics are hotter. It's important as well to complain how you can't trust anyone, and dedicate pages of web space to describe all actions said and done.
5.) Dress like Morticia Addams but never be satisfied with your looks. Looks are important, but remember, it's important that you never think you look good. You're going to be a Goth Girl. If you want to be happy and self confident, go become a cheerleader....
Baron- Ok Raven weren't you on Pep Squad in like eigth grade a year before Antichist Superstar came out and you went goth?
Raven- I had to have an extra curricular!- anyways, dyeing your hair every other week is recommended, as is paying overattention to fashion. Pointing out fellow Goth Girl's appearance issues as derogatorily as possible is encouraged.
6.) You are smarter than everyone else, thus better. This should probably rank higher on the list. It's the most critical self realization of the awakening Goth Girl. There's a reason you've been reading books instead of talking to people; now you know it! Make sure to use obscure words as often as possible. The true mark of a Goth Girl is for the plebes to read what you write and need to refer to a dictionary at minimum once a sentence.
7.) Hate Drama Queens, but be one. Wouldn't that make you a hypocrite, you ask? No. Self loathing is of course required to be a Goth Girl, but is unncessary in this instance. There is nothing worse than a primadonna Goth Girl Drama Queen who blows everything out of proportion. At every instance you must point out acts of Drama for what they are, but also seek Drama of your own, which you will blow out of proportion, write about on your web page, and defend yourself against fellow goths who attack you for being a Drama Queen.
8.) Enjoy the most Goth music. Choice selections include The Cure, Bauhaus, and Depeche Mode. Any band that has never had a Top 40 single is automatically approved. Remember, it's our common embrace of unknown groups that makes us so individual. If someone else talks about the same band as you bring up a different more obscure one instantly, one you know no one has heard of. Then they will have to look at you and think you are the most underground.
9.) Value pets above humans. Animals now mean more to you than people. . If you have to swerve to avoid hitting a kitten but that means hitting a human, there are too many assholes in the world anyway. Have conversations with your pets and dress them up for Halloween. Skull barretes are recommended to in order to make your pet goth as well.
10.) Accept that no matter what, you are doomed. Your parents won the lottery? You know the ticket will burn before they turn it in. You won a scholarship to Harvard? Massachusetts is cold, and your roomate will call you Marilyn Manson and constantly steal your money. You're a Goth now. The world is a conspiracy against you. Fate controls and hates you now!
There you go! 10 Quick and easy steps to becoming a Goth. Follow these and you are well on your way. The journey is not yet complete, but you have a good head start Thanks to me baron and the most goth girl RAVEN- (Rock on Yeah!). The key is to observe others on the internet that are goth, and copy from them to secure your originality!
Baron: Now for some acceseries every goth must own.
There are a few musts for the gothic wardrobe to be complete. First, there are the bracelets...black or silver. You will need about 100 bangle bracelets, in which case you are to put 50 on both arms. How are these goth, you ask? Well, Madonna, a popular singer from the 80's and 90's of the 20th century, had made them very desirable during the 80's. How is Madonna goth? Two words: "Frozen" video. What? The "Frozen" video was made in the late 90's? How dare you question me, I am Baron Doom the uberest!!
Raven- A plastic, black spider ring, like the type worn at Halloween should be handy. Any reference to Halloween is about as goth as you can get. Spiders and bats are now your two favorite animals. Remember this when you go to expand your wardrobe. Spiderweb shirts and bat rings are a must!
Baron- and finally, a cross or BIG ankh to wear around your neck. Hey Raven what does a goth goose sound like?
Raven- A goth goose? I dunno, what?
Baron- Ankh, ankh!!...
Anyways, Religion is now to be despised, and mocked by you constantly. But there is a certain appeal of religious art that make you even more gothic...Perhaps Jesus on the cross, with Nails pounded through his flesh...Tres Goth, trust me. Who Knew Mel Gibson would be a goth icon?
Raven-Now for our callers to ask us questions about our dark and sordid lives.
*RING*RING
Baron- Who do we have on the line?
Caller- Dave from Pennsylvania
Baron- Ohhh thats almost like Transylvania! Dark. I love it.
Caller- This question is for Baron Doom. Where do you live and with who?
Baron- Well Pennsylvanian Dave, I dwell in a dark lair between the underworld and the doomed surface of the Earth.
RAven- Don't let him lie to you he lives in his mom's basement and she pays for him to go to Devry!
Baron- You are no better Miss Morbida. I do believe you had to move in with your cousin and his family from west virginia because your mom didnt want you anymore!
Raven- That was way harsh, Baron!
*Ring*Ring*
Raven- High Class Punx Obsessed With The Dead who is calling upon our dark chamber this eve?
Caller- Put Brandon on the line!
Baron- Greetings!...oh hi mom, Im in the middle of something. Uh yeah let me look. (shuffles through lunchbox pulls gothic stuff out) yeah yeah its here. (holds up eyeliner) OK ok sorry I wont take your 8 dollar eyeliner anymore...ok I gotta go ok mom ok...i love you too.
Raven- Your so dark "Brandon"...haha...man she was pissed off!
Baron- yeah but at least she still loves me.
GOTH FIGHT!!!!!
(fight out)
go to a commercial- one thats not goth at all
Comments
Please Login to post comments| On February 20th 2007 phoenixkat Said : | |
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lol i love it. ~phoe-kat~ |
| On February 16th 2007 manicxxmandy Said : | |
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lmao. Hilarious. |
