For all that Speak {2}

It was a little while after the "accidents" were now pronounced in my mind "cuts." I was now a cutter, and depressed. Alot for a girl of twelve to handle. Then school started back up. I wanted so bad to walk through those doors and be able to remember dumb drama. The kind at school, you know, "Who broke up with who" and "Really? She said that?" But then I walked through the doors and met Tiffany. She was pretty, and some-what smart. She wasn't a straight A student and neither was I. So we got along. Sat together because of all the other kids in our class were eaither unknown or unliked. We were always parnters and everything that came along with the "Friend" pakage.

One day, Tiffany told me she was going to tell me one of her most deepest secrets. I admitt, she looked like the type that would be beaten or abused, so I expected the worse. Only thing she did was, pull up her sleeve to reviel tons of scars, lining her arm like train-tracks. Trying not to look too surprised at them, I turned away. Who cut on their wrists? Then, I reliezed, I was the odd one because I cut on my ankles. Wrists would hurt a lot worse in my opinion so I avoided it. She would write me notes day after day explaining why she had recently cut and how good it felt. In my mind I was no crazier than she was. I didn't think it felt good. I thought it felt strange, but I kept doing it.

Then, there was Jacob. After keeping my crush on him a secret for who knows how long, I decided to tell Tiffany. She nodded and looked at him. "Really? Third grade?" Tiffany understood me for who I was and not who we wanted so deeply to be. Though she had dyed her hair what seemed like 30 times, she was truley a friend of mine on the inside.

I went home one day, and had the strangest and most random thought. I no longer wanted to share the constant hidding that me and Tiffany shared of our cutting. I wanted to quit. So when I took a shower the next morning, I tried my hardest to not do it on purpose. I lost my battle. The razor struck like it had a mind of its own. Reliezing I had no willpower of the situation I thrashed at it again. Deeply and truly, my mother seemed like the only one who could help me. But her child being an emo freak was just not how I looked. She would think I was psyco and send me to a mental institute. Exaggerating, I was, but in my mind it was so true.

The next day, Jacob came up to me and smiled. I didn't know why, but it felt good for him to smile at me. He asked me if I remembered the "TCJ" song. I did. The "TCJ" song stood for Tristen, (an old friend of mine that I never spoke to anymore) and Caitlin and Jacob. It was a third grade project that we had to come up with a catchy title or song for propoganda. We picked soap, and Jacob started whistling a catchy tune. I was young and creative and so it hit me like a lighting bolt. "That could be our song!" We came up with it, and everyone of us got an A for our presentation.

It truley amazed me that Jacob would remember such a thing. Again, he smiled and winked. "You always were the smarts." He headed for his little group and I stood frozen. Me. The smarts. I smiled for the first time really proud of myself. Because I was happy for myself. I had been depended on, and pulled through.

Tiffany asked me what that was about, and just started to sing the song to her. She laughed and sighed. "To bad he's a jock. You would make a great couple."

That hit me hard.

Because inside I knew that I would never have Jacob, and he was just remonising on child-hood memories that didn't really matter to him. Tiffany seemed to be dragging me down, but it was in such a way I couldn't see and have a chance to pull myself up. Emo was me.

Just when I thought I was able to recover from God knows what,

I just switch back to reality,

And remember.