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Before I could say or do anything Ben pulled me closer and kissed my lips. I didn’t return the kiss; I just stood there feeling like an idiot.

            When he realized I wasn’t kissing him back he stepped away, still holding my arms, while I stood there awkwardly. A single, one-syllable word escaped his mouth: “Why?”

            I remained silent as his eyes bored into my face, my own eyes staring at the ground. How could I tell him I didn’t love him in the way he wanted me to? How could I tell him that I was really in love with Matt? How?

            He saw the look on my face and drew away, his look hard now. Timidly I glanced up into his blazing blue eyes but then immediately brought my head down again. He knew.

            “Ben…” I bit my lip. “I-I know you think–”

            “No, Niki. Don’t even finish; you always used to joke about it.” He drew in a breath and continued, “You’d always punch my arm and say, ‘You only think you love me.’ I played along, Niki; I played along, all the while falling more and more in love with you.”

            Tears I didn’t know I had streaked down my face; he didn’t wipe them away or offer to let me cry on him.

            Instead he said, “I should’ve known you weren’t joking with Matt.” He spat out his little brother’s name. “No, you weren’t joking when you teased him with those stupid poems like, ‘I love you till the mountains tumble down.’ I’ll bet Matt wasn’t joking either!” He closed his mouth suddenly and seemed to snap out of his angry spewing.

            His eyes widened when he saw me crying.

            “Oh, Niki!” But just as he stepped forward to hold me I ran down the street, darting away from one of my best friends.

            I heard him calling me as he tried to catch up but I took a jagged path to the park, and there I threw myself onto a bench by the fountain, my tears flowing faster than they ever had in my entire life.

            I murmured the poem Matt and I made up ages ago:

I love you like the kids love Christmas

Like the Mom loves the kids

I love you like the light loves the switch

Like the TV likes the clicker

I love you like the nose loves the tissue

Like the pen loves the paper

I love you like the chair loves the table

Like the fire loves the logs

I love you like the sand loves the beach

Like the horse loves the grass

            That wasn’t all but I couldn’t continue, and my sobs were drowned out by sudden thunder and pelting rain. How could I be so stupid – how could I have fallen in love with my best friend’s younger brother? The rain poured down harder, soaking my jeans and jacket.

            I kept slapping myself, so hard that I was sure my cheek was bleeding. Just as I began to slap myself again a hand caught my arm and firmly held it back. Quickly looking up I found myself staring at the person I hoped wouldn’t come and who I prayed would come.

            I jerked my hand away and curled back into a ball, still sobbing.

            “Niki, you’re bleeding.” Matt sat down beside me and gently turned my face towards his. I wished so badly that I didn’t love him. But I did; so much.

            “Oh, Matt!” I threw my arms around his neck and was relieved when he didn’t say anything else, just held me in his strong embrace and stroked my curly wet hair.

            When I finally let go of him the rain had stopped and it was morning. Stiff and still wet I pushed my head off his chest. We were still in the park, sitting how we’d been last night, Matt looking at me with eyes that were the same color as Ben’s but instead of hardness they were filled with love and care.

            He took my hand and helped me up and, after caressing my cheek a moment, said, “Let’s get you home.”