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BillysGirl2005

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All I could feel was this empty hole inside me, this devastating pain. Pain like I had never known before. I realized that my husband of two and half years was gone and he was never coming back. The dam I had built up inside me shattered into a million peices and my tears were uncontrollable. I cried harder than I had ever cried before. My body shook and I could hardly catch my breath. I thought I was going to die. I wanted to die. I didn't want to live alone. I didn't want to live without him.

I took the steak knife from it's place in the wooden block and I put it to my arm. And with little thought I began to cut myself.

Deeper than I had ever done before untill every line was a line of blood. I sunk into my own world. I cut and reminded myself outloud why he left. "I'm not good enough." "I'm not perfect enough." "I can't do anything right." "He doesn't love you."

All my anger and despair poured out of me with every cut I made. I cut his shirt that I was wearing.. cut the stomach into shreds, I cut the sleeves. I cut so hard it's a wonder I didn't end up with cuts on my stomach.

You wonder why, you wonder why I hurt myself. I didn't feel it. I didn't feel anything. Nothing except months of pain and hurt and rejection and an empty hole in my chest. I cut and cried and finally I picked up the phone, blood running down my hand and arm staining my white shirt. I called my mom and dad they weren't home. I called my sister. She answered the phone, but I couldn't find my voice. "What's wrong, Jamie?" she asked scared as I sobbed into the phone. "Did something happen?"

"He's gone..." I finally was able to say. "Who's gone?", she asked.

"Jason's gone, he left me." I told her and I broke down again. "He's gone."

"Oh, God. Did you call mom and dad? Do they know? Are they there?" she asked frantically.

"No... they aren't home."

"I'm calling daddy's cell. Stay there, I'm on my way. Don't do anything." she said. I hung up the phone thinking it was already done. I cut some more, wishing it would kill me. I sank down into the floor and sat in a corner next to the cabinets.

The phone rang, I got up slowly and went to get it. It was my dad, he said they were on their way.

I sat back into my corner and waited for them to come. Wanting to be alone, but knowing that they would want to be with me. I dropped the knife onto the floor, it's edge bloody. Finally the dogs came into the kitchen. They nosed at the knife, I shewed them away. They tried to see what was wrong with me I didn't want to be touched. They left me alone to eat at the food that was laying all over the floor. Atleast someone will get to eat it, I thought.

I sat there only moving to smoke and then they came. My sister, neice, nephew, mom and dad. They all freaked out.

"OMG, she's bleeding!", My sister cried. My neice and nephew might have started crying, I don't know because I didn't really see them. I sat there staring at the floor. My mom and dad came over to me and all I could say was "He's gone."

Over and over again. My sister thought he had hurt me. "Did he do this?!", she asked "I'll kill him!"

She wanted to call him, I told her no. She said that he needed to be called. My dad was the one who called him. I don't know if he talked to him or his dad. There wasn't anything they could do to help me. I was too far gone.

They finally realized what I'd done to myself and they check me over to see how bad it was. Making sure I hadn't cut my wrists. I wish I would have, but I didn't. Someone called a preacher friend of ours and his family to come over for help. They thought maybe I would talk to them. I didn't want to talk to anyone.

Before long the preacher, his wife and their two daughters were there. I didn't know what time it was, nor did I care. My mom had bandaged my arms in a towel and I went and sat in the recliner. Staring into space I sat, not talking, barely hearing anyone. The preacher and his wife came over and talked to me. I didn't answer back. I guess I was in shock. I guess I had, had a nervous breakdown. I don't now, I'd never had one before.

Finally after what seemed like forever I started to talk, tear rolling down my face. They prayed for me and slowly I pulled myself together to do what I had to do. I wanted to stay there, but everyone said it wouldn't be a good idea. I wanted to stay in case he came back, but they wouldn't let me. My sister said that I could come and stay with her. So I changed my torn shirt and the preacher's oldest daughter helped me pack some of my things while the others tried to clean up the mess.

Before I left the house that me and my husband had shared for only a few short months I looked around knowing I would never live there again. We were being evicted in 2 weeks anyways. But, now my life would never be the same even if he did come back. Oh, how I prayed that he would, but a part of me knew he was gone forever. I left there with my sister, my neice and nephew and my two dogs. And went to try to get some sleep in an empty bed.

The next day came, my sister was sitting out on the sidewalk with her two neighbors. I was ashamed of my cuts, I didn't want anyone to see me. My sister told me it was allright and for me to come outside. I did, but I felt like an outcast. Later that day my mom came over. They wanted me to get help. I thought I needed help, but I didn't want to go alone.

I wanted to wait and go to the hospital another day, but they told me that if I was willing to get help that I needed to go now. So as fast as my life had changed before, it was fixing to change again. Mom and my sister drove me to the hospital. I sat in the waiting room and cried. I was so scared. I'd never been admitted to a psychiatric ward before. I had only visited one once.

My mom held me and told me I was doing the right thing. She stayed with me the whole time of being admitted untill it was time for them to leave and for me to stay alone at the top floor. Mom promised she'd be back to visit as soon as she could.

So my first stay in a psychiatric ward started. It wasn't that bad. I actually like it. It was a place to get away from the world.

Where no one judged me. The food was actually good. I stayed there for about a week. Jason never called or came by to visit. I don't know if he didn't know what to say or if he was scared. I went home, glad I could smoke again. Jason finally called a couple days after I got out and told me he felt we needed a seperation for awhile. I was sad, but I thought maybe we could work it out over time. Before he hung up I told him that I loved him.

"I know." he answered. He never said it back.

Note from the author:

My story doesn't end here. I would like to tell it all, but I won't. I wrote this story because I felt as if it would touch someone who is going through something hard. I wanted people to know that life doesn't stop after someone stops loving you. And any trial you may face, you can get through it as did I. Sometimes, when people fail you, you have to stand up and take hold of your life and be your own person. Hard as it may be. You just have to reach down within yourself and be strong.

~Jamie Lynn