chemical reaction 5

so they would never know that i brought it with me, my medicine that is.

it's still in its pretty red box next to the rose.

i was'nt nervous, frustrated, upset, or angery.

but i wanted it anyway.

i missed it.

im sure it missed me.

i walked over to my bedside table were it sat waiting for me,i took it out of its box.

i flipped it over back and forth between my hands.

the shiny metal glinted in the light making it that much more appealing.

i sat down on my bed and rolled up my sweatshirt sleeve revealing what was left of the past.

they were all closed to healing, i brought the razor down to my white flesh but thought before pressing down.

i start that rehab group in a couple days and i know there gunna wanna see my arms.

grandma is gunna wanna see my arms.

but if i did it just once tonite it could heal some before anyone got to see it.

that was it, it's settled.

without further thought i pushed down into my flesh and a familiar sting rose across my arm as i brought the razor across.

one line.

two lines.

once more and well be okay, i brought the razor down on my skin watching the other lines begin to release my blood.

you could ask me why i did it but the only thing i could tell you was that it's been apart of who i am for so long.

in a way it gives me strength when im weak, but yet it makes me weaker.

it stops me from cowering in a corner crying feeling sorry for myself.

but yet it makes me an even bigger coward than to acutally face my problems one on one.

it may make me feel better but then it doesnt because when i catch the scars out of the corner of my eye it turns my stomach.

my mind flip flops over whats right and whats wrong and ultimately i know its just wrong, it's not normal, theres other healthier ways to deal with my problems.

so i've started the rehab group and after one session i know im on my way to becoming normal agian.

but one thing i know for sure is that ill never be a whole person agian.

one true thing in my life that i know i had complete and utter control over was taken from me.

my virginity.

that was mine, something i had the power to either hold on to or give to someone i wholey and trully cared about.

but no, it was ripped away from me, taken without my consent.

when you were little did you ever wanna play with the older kids at recess but they just turnt you away? how disapointted you felt.

but then maybe a kid a year or two older than you offered to let you play with his or her friends, but when you get to the group they shun you away and the kid that invited you doenst even care and returns to his or her friends ? you feel so let down and used in a sense for there greater purpose? well thats how i feel now but in a worse sense

i wasnt just humilated one after another on the playgroud but humilated by having something taken from me that shouldnt have, because i was weak.

what satisifaction did the kid on the bus get out of it? seeing me cry and cower. did that make him more powerful or his ego bigger?

that i can never anwser what i can anwser is that im hurt and i can never a be whole person agian.

so along with the rehab group i also have to be counseled.

by choice the counseler comes to grandma's house so i am within the comfort and safety i need to feel.

were seated at the kitchen table now.

"Ceena, so lets start today on you telling me how your feeling about everything going on here so far" my counselor plastered her face with a fake porfessional smile.

"well i hate being here and i hate talking to you about my feelings but if its on the road to getting me back to myself ill live threw it" i said crossing my arms and leaning back agianst my chair stareing at her deffinatly.

"well good that's a start, since your so optimistic about being striaght up with me then im gunna get straight to the point of todats lesson" she nodded her as though she wanted to make sure i understood not to get upset. " tell me what your feeling inside about being raped" she leaned forward in her chair placing her hands together on the table stareing me down persistantly waiting for my response.

i wanted to explode and yell at her that she was the counselor here she should be the one telling me how i feel since she thought she knew so much about me but no i kept my calm and responded with a simple but powerful anwser.

"ever lost someone very close to you?" i said leaning forward in my chair so that i was close to her face and eye level.

"well yes but that doesnt anwser my question"

"well then you know what that emotion feels like" i paused and she nodded her head assuring me to go on " well thats how i feel but it wasnt someone close to me that died, it was me that died and HOW CAN YOU LIVE KNOWING SOMETHING LIKE THAT?"

she flinched a little at the sudden raise in voice pulling back " but ceena your not dead your fully alive and i dont think-"

"PHYSICALLY I AM ALIVE BUT EMOTIONALY AND MENTALLY I AM DEAD, IM GONE FOREVER AND YOU AND NO ONE ELSE CAN EVER BRING ME BACK" frustrated enough i got up letting the kitchen chair slam against the wall behind me and making it known i was angery i stomped out of the room and down the hall to my safe haven.

it was true everything i said was the truth they can try and try to find that person that was i used to be but they can never bring me back to life.

i was wholely and truely gone forever.

i would never feel the same agian.

never smile the same agian.

never think the same.

nothing will ever be the same agian.