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Aleera (part 2)
Short
 Created on 5-15-07
 Views(211)
 Story Rating G
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"Aleera, Aleera" a gentle voice called, Aleera opened her eyes and found herself standing outside her house. The damp grass lay beneath her slender feet and the cold nights wind blew about her long black gypsy skirt. Again the voice called "Aleera" she began to follow it seeing all the suffering that had begun.
Her mother was the first to die from it, but now her father and the king had it... the disease was spreading fast
She soon found herself at an almost running pace closing her eyes because of the horror in front of her with women, children and men all scared and in pain. She saw a young girl with tears of blood, a woman with a baby in her arms but the infant was pale and deformed, there was a man who's arms and face looked burnt and frail. There were hundreds more who had been deformed all calling her name or begging for help, the whispers became louder and louder until her mind was filled with a thousand voices each one piercing into Aleera's thoughts, she grasped her head and fell to the no longer soft grass but cold hard stones still trying to stop the terrifying sounds and horrible sights.
She then awoke in complete darkness, it had been long since she first went to sleep it was no longer day but well into the night.
Again please let me know what you think.
Comments
Please Login to post comments| On June 14th 2007 nikkithemom Said : | |
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This is so plain there is no color or life in it at all. It reads like something you saw in a movie...a boring plain movie. I agree with LokiSeto!
It is too short even for a short story...it seems like you got bored of writing it yourself and just stopped.
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| On June 5th 2007 LokiSeto Said : | |
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Follow a sound? You could say something alot better there especially since the next thing she starts talking about is "seeing". Period after "deformed". "had been" should be "were". Comma after "deformed". Period after "help". Period after "thoughts". "fell to the no longer grass"? What's "no longer grass"? That bit does not make sense and yes I'm adding in the other bit but this is how you've made the sentence. Rework that bit. Wait... "it was no longer day but well into the night." When was it day? "been long since"? Doesn't make sense. Rework it. Over all... it's going good. I did enjoy the imagery but working on your sentences is your main concern. |
| On June 4th 2007 sexyqtpie Said : | |
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wow! its really getting good! it makes me want to read on! |
| On May 16th 2007 Shell00 Said : | |
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Hey its more of our story |
| On May 15th 2007 kiss2378 Said : | |
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this is getting interesting. |
